This is what I told him today at lunch, and I didn't even cry. Yes, I welled up once, but not because I was sad really, but more out of habit I think. I told my H, I don't want to be your roommate. I don't want to be with you because we financially need eachother. I want a monogamous, nurturing relationship where I am someone's everything, and I know you want the same thing too. I don't want to go clubbing, and gyrate on someone's penis, I want to go on a walk and get to know you better. I want to come home after a hard day's work, cook dinner, drink some wine and talk about my day and my future. I want someone who makes me a better person, and who inspires me to always reach my maximum potential. I used to think you were the only person who would want me, and no offense, I am desirable. I can be happy with someone else. No, I don't want a divorce, but at the same time, I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want you to be happy. Perhaps our marriage has run its course, and we aren't whats best for eachother anymore. You want to go back to college, can we really deal with the temptation you will face there? And you be faithful? I am not so sure. I am not pushing you, because hell I don't want someone who feels forced to be with me. But I am getting used to you not being around, and its okay. Its okay to say I love you, but you are what I need in my future. And no offense, thats cool. If you need multiple women or the kind of attention I can't give you, please move on. I can't be the girl who covers herself in makeup, and shows half her body to go have a good time. I am a simple, southern girl who likes the simple things. I can't be someone I am not. I am reaching my goals and learning how to be me and love myself, and I'm not done. I'm not ready to come back into this marriage and say this is what I want, and you aren't either. I just want you to know, its okay to say, I love you but i need to move on. I'm okay with that and we will be fine with or without eachother. I hope we can be friends again one day if we do divorce, and I can call you up and go out for a drink and just catch up, but I don't know if I can do that yet. All I am saying is, I love you, and I think you need help, and I love you, and our marriage needs help, and we can be happy together, I really think so, but we can also be happy apart."
So wow.. did you really read all of that? But wow.. I mean every word... I am like at this weird stage.. where I accept that my husband had an affair... and I am also accepting that we may not be right for eachother anymore.... I don't want a business arrangement marriage... I want a hot passionate fun amazing loving marriage... and I'm ready to start taking the next step...
Well, heads up, cuz now that he smells the sincerity of all that, he's likely to go into full-bore PURSUIT OF YOU.
