Where do I go from here?

[Hopeful84]

I don't know how to explain my current state of being.

First off, its been almost eight months since d day (I notice I round up, and my husband rounds down) for instance, D day was January 2nd, so with it being almost August 2nd, I say eight months, he says no seven months... anyway I think its funny.. I laugh often...

Anyway, H has been gone for a few days- and not really hanging around much the past two weeks, yeah he calls, but for the most part is non existant, and I am getting used to him not being here, and its okay. I totally painted my closet this weekend, planned out a meal plan for next week and an exercise routine, I was 100 percent engulfed in me, and it felt like a breathe of fresh air. I had these amazing job opportunities pop up, and they may not result in a job interview, but for the first time in my life, it feels good to feel like damn, I did something right.

Growing up I never had that ahha, moment (how do you spell ahaha?) where I was like, I want to be ______ when I grow up (My cousin used to say she wanted to be a virgin when she grew up, wonder how thats working out for her). I used to say I wanted to be a pediatric oncology doctor (what? a cancer doctor for kids? for real?). So all these years I've been going to school, I just settled on a degree I could do online, happened to be Criminal Justice Homeland Security (no, I'm not using it, but hey I turned out to be quite the investigator when it came to A). Anyway, i just happened across this job three years ago when we moved to DC, and I didn't think I was qualified, but the 9 months I worked as a hotel front desk clerk, paid off and wow, I was an assistant manager at a Fisher House. How cool. I was working for a nonprofit who helped combat wounded warriors and veterans. Its an amazing job, and then when we moved to Texas a job was open here with the same organization and I am still doing it. Now, I have the chance to possibly be a manager, and I just feel excited that I actually can possibly be considered.

Here is where my work has done an upside down change lately. Used to, the one thing I never questioned, was that my husband and I would be together, supporting eachother throughout our journey, but everything else was blurry. My career, children, where we would live, etc. Now, he is the only thing that is blurry. I can see my career, I can see living anywhere, and being okay. I am realizing that wow, I can live without him, and I want a monogamous, nurturing relationshp. I want a fullfilling job, where I come home and talk to my partner about my day at work while cooking dinner, and exploring our area on the weekends. I want to take a vacation anywhere once a year, just because I can. And I can do that.

My husband doesn't seem to like how calm I am when we talk about the A, or his mistress, or gf. I make jokes constantly, and he thinks I am trying to make him feel bad, but really I am not, why can't we laugh about it? does that make me sick?

This is what I told him today at lunch, and I didn't even cry. Yes, I welled up once, but not because I was sad really, but more out of habit I think. I told my H, I don't want to be your roommate. I don't want to be with you because we financially need eachother. I want a monogamous, nurturing relationship where I am someone's everything, and I know you want the same thing too. I don't want to go clubbing, and gyrate on someone's penis, I want to go on a walk and get to know you better. I want to come home after a hard day's work, cook dinner, drink some wine and talk about my day and my future. I want someone who makes me a better person, and who inspires me to always reach my maximum potential. I used to think you were the only person who would want me, and no offense, I am desirable. I can be happy with someone else. No, I don't want a divorce, but at the same time, I just want to be happy and I'm not. I want you to be happy. Perhaps our marriage has run its course, and we aren't whats best for eachother anymore. You want to go back to college, can we really deal with the temptation you will face there? And you be faithful? I am not so sure. I am not pushing you, because hell I don't want someone who feels forced to be with me. But I am getting used to you not being around, and its okay. Its okay to say I love you, but you are what I need in my future. And no offense, thats cool. If you need multiple women or the kind of attention I can't give you, please move on. I can't be the girl who covers herself in makeup, and shows half her body to go have a good time. I am a simple, southern girl who likes the simple things. I can't be someone I am not. I am reaching my goals and learning how to be me and love myself, and I'm not done. I'm not ready to come back into this marriage and say this is what I want, and you aren't either. I just want you to know, its okay to say, I love you but i need to move on. I'm okay with that and we will be fine with or without eachother. I hope we can be friends again one day if we do divorce, and I can call you up and go out for a drink and just catch up, but I don't know if I can do that yet. All I am saying is, I love you, and I think you need help, and I love you, and our marriage needs help, and we can be happy together, I really think so, but we can also be happy apart."

So wow.. did you really read all of that? But wow.. I mean every word... I am like at this weird stage.. where I accept that my husband had an affair... and I am also accepting that we may not be right for eachother anymore.... I don't want a business arrangement marriage... I want a hot passionate fun amazing loving marriage... and I'm ready to start taking the next step... I have my deadline in my head (which also ensures i am taken care of) and I know I will be ready to file those papers, and not argue or fight my way out of this marriage, but walk away saying i gave it my damndest... and I'm going to be okay...

I think my husband has problems and issues he needs to sort out.. before ever coming back and trying to work on this marriage.. and I need to continue to search for the me I want to be and love to be... does that make sense?

SO be honest.. did I lose my marbles? Do I need to check into a mental hospital? any clue s to what is "wrong with me"?

On a side note, I am really torn on what to do about our living arrangement. He drops by the house whenever he pleases, and thats hard. I don't have many places to go. I thought about asking him to do a schedule of being at her place Sunday-Thursday, and then when he comes home to his alone time on Friday and Saturday I can sleep at a friend's place. That would be more like a separation. I was going to get an apartment, but it seems like I cannot afford it, without forfeiting on my part of the mortgage payment and our bills, which would ruin my credit. But why should I be stuck here in our "dream house" waiting for someone to love me enough? Any advice on how to handle these emotions?