I wonder if it would be a bad idea to just ask her. You two seem to be in a place where you can talk like this. How about telling her how conflicted you feel, that you want to mark the occasion but it's obviously not your happiest anniversary. See what she thinks about it?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
So we went to MC yesterday... She agreed that she wants to go again, she says she likes how she really digs into our relationship while keeping it about talking and not blaming or fighting.
She extracted a OT of info out and even saw us for 1:20 instead of the normal 55 minutes. I was impressed and now I am scared too.
We found something out, through the discussions we found out that its not that something I am doing is turning my wife off its that for a LOOOOOONG time (since before we have been married) she has not been turned ON by me. She has basically been trying many many different things (except us really talking about it) to figure it out with no success.
This has brought on loads of doubt and guilt. She says she feels like she is cheating me out of my needs and in turn it makes her feel like $hit.
The MC said we def. spend too much time together and that the free time we send together we are in a routine rut.
So out in the car after the MC session my wife says she wants to go again, that she thought a lot of information came out in a short period of time and she wants to explore that more. She also said she wants to try a suggestion that the MC made of each of us planning a simple no pressure date night for each other.
The MC also said we need to find some form alone time apart from each other, time to work on ourselves. Its the second thing my wife brought up to me in the car ride home. She said that since we had moved in together we have NEVER spent more than 2-3 days apart.
And me I am a NEEEEDY guy, I am constantly wanting to surround myself in her presence. So while I truly feel that spending a week apart from each other is not going to be a solution, if she wants to try it then there is nothing I can/should do to prevent it. It will give me a chance to detach while knowing that she still has not once mentioned divorce or any such thing.
If you are going to do a week apart, you may as well find something to concentrate on. Get some things done while you are apart, she will be there when you get back.
I wonder if it would be a bad idea to just ask her. You two seem to be in a place where you can talk like this. How about telling her how conflicted you feel, that you want to mark the occasion but it's obviously not your happiest anniversary. See what she thinks about it?
Yes I like it... Simple yet to the point.. Maybe we can each do our no strings attached dates then... Like a no strings attached anniversary..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Anyone have any insight to how I have been doing lately??
I keep reading the 37 rules and trying to follow them, I know that it always helps for someone to read progress thus far as a vet and give me a grade lol... Still waiting for my copy of DB..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
W went to my socce game with me. Still no real physical contact. Made conversation on the long ride home about things I never knew about her. The goal was to create the atmosphere of how we felt drivin together when we were just getting to know each other. We laughed a LOT..
Not convinced in the least that she thinks we can make it. But it's a better place than some. I am going to do some meditating tomorrow. Focus on m inner person and let the controlling go. I am in charge of me and me alone.
Hope to get some feedback of above post soon. gnight
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
God it kills me to see her feeling like this. She seems to be detaching herself from me too. I really am starting to see how much time we spend together and how it can tax the relationship.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Man today was strange... This is like a friggen roller coaster! W gave me a peck on the lips (something she hasn't initiated since the ilybinilwy talk). I know it might have just beef force of habbit that caught her off guard but man. Maintained a good outlook all day. No backsliding for me. Now sleep time which I'd say is the hardest time for me.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Wife said "love you and sweet dreams" last night before passing out. Didn't take it as anything more than habit but I helped me fall asleep. Man I cannot wait to get some sense of direction.
Going mountain biking with her uncle (we are really close) to give her some time to herself this weekend.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
You have mentioned a couple of times how needy you are. IMHO you must stop showing any signs of this while the R is on the rocks. When men appear "needy", it can cause him to be seen as weak. I believe it's the nature of women to be drawn to those men who show strength. Not so much physical (although that sure doesn't hurt), but strong in other ways.
When the M is in trouble, you must be careful that you do not act or talk in ways to show you to be needy. Frankly, it can be a big turn off! I believe that's the case with either gender, but if your W sees you as weak, then she loses respect. Respect for the H is major for the W.
Needing to hear your W tell you xx times a day that she loves you, or needing to know every thought she's having, every move she's made throughout the day, calling throughout the day when you aren't by her side, needing to touch xx amount of times per day.......are some examples. That's why it's so important to pull back, because you already feel panic and your needy ways will surface more than usual if you don't work to stop it.
You can feel your W detaching from you. I suggest that you get a life that does not include her (nor her relatives). Working together every day is not a good thing right now. I don't know many couples who can be together around the clock all the time!
She told you she feels smothered. Take that statement as serious as a heart attack!!
Oh, and speaking on her respect, no woman......NO WOMAN respects a lazy man!! It is nothing to laugh about. Do whatever it takes to prevent the appearance of laziness.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
gnight