A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

do you mean because i'm expecting the worst?

yes you are right, i am guarding my heart - always done that very well. guess i'm still doing it.

i fear my own vulnerability with him - just as he has told me he fears his with me. i thought only he felt that all this time, but what you wrote made me realize that that fear lies within me too and it's even possible that i am more fearful of it than he is.

thanks for helping me to see this, labug

and i am glad that you are well

zig

[strongerthanever]

Zig,

I think it is amazing how you do not drop your world for H when he decides to show up. Just remember your inner peace, let that be your rock, your lighthouse. No one can shake that or take that away from you.

Even in the presence of H. I know that feeling of H being near, and I can almost see his awkward uneasy vibe. But I let him own and swim in that, and I just vision myself with a cleansing, serene soft white glow radiating from me. No one can alter the way I choose to feel in any given moment.

I use the same trick J mentioned, about having something lined up to do after meeting with H. I would plan a shopping trip, lunch with a friend of a visit to a bakery/ice cream store and REALLY hype it up for me. So in my head it was like, "I'm so excited to go to _____, but first I have to stop and see H real quick". It really works.

I really want to talk about the D real quick. I was so paranoid the day I got served by the sheriff. Thank goodness I never mentioned it to H. I'm pretty sure he wondered if I even got served, bc I acted as if it hadnt happened whenever we interacted. Anyhow, here I am 2 months later and so much has changed.

We have even gone to court already for our initial status confrence. And you know what? Nothing has happened since. I seriously blew everything up in my head and now I look back and laugh at the mini crisis I created for myself. So much time I wasted in my head reacting to H's filing, which now comes across more as a temper tantrum.

In 2 weeks the case will be closed and dropped due to lack of forward motion. I have never discussed what needed to happen, I just figured I would let him lead and then respond as necessary.

It is beyond obvious that you have your stuff together (yes, you do), while H is swimming circles. IF the talk really is D related, don't overplay it in your head. Stay serene, leave him to his tantrum and focus on YOU. You got this girl.

((((( <3 )))))

[zig]

thanks stronger.

are you saying your h filed and because he didn't continue it, it's going to be dropped?

i will use your tricks to get excited about other stuff while i have to deal with him in between

No one can alter the way I choose to feel in any given moment.


i am going to make this my mantra.

i need to focus on not reacting at all, even if something happens. i am now just digesting this new awareness of how i protect myself emotionally even before anything happens in order to avoid feeling the hurt. one more layer uncovered...

thanks stronger for telling me about how you reacted - i need to keep all these things in mind as i go through the next few weeks

i think that busting needs to send Serenity back to me for a bit - I sorely need her

zig

[strongerthanever]

Zig,

There are documents that need to be filled with the courts in order for anything to proceed (sworn financial statement, parenting plan...) He hasn't done anything. Any paperwork given to the court must also be given to the S, as the court clerk says "you can not have a conversation with the court without your S knowing about it".

So, nothing. Nothing at all beyond the "Ha! I filled!" statement. I have since left him alone to his thoughts. I think had I felt the need to control and force him to make a decision, we would be well on our way to being divorced. There is a 90 day cooling off period here (Colorado), and we are 60 days in.

But you know what? Should we move forward, I'm ok! I'm ok either way. If the wrong man wants to step aside so the right man can enter then get to steppin'

I'll put a slice of key lime pie on serenity for ya. Works wonders for me.

[bustingout]

I have sent serenity on her way, but put some rollerblades on her so she gets to you quick. Turtles can be slow you know, but as we know, serenity is often needed quickly so that we can then swim with acceptance.

I have attached a little wagon to her though so she can carry the key lime pie and the shots....

She Should be with you momentarily.

((((zig)))) I am pleased that you have had time to work through some of the tough emotions that you are conflicted with, that we can all relate to, and that you are more prepared for talking with H.

I think given the situations we are in, with WASs that seem to be running and looking for quick fixes for happiness, dropping bombs and making radical, life changing, seemingly knee jerk reactions, we freeze almost when we hear they want to talk even more. Because we have been conditioned almost to expect a bomb of one size or another.

I am like you my friend, I put up Walls to protect myself and I except the worse.

Usually what we fear in our heads is much worse than what the reality is. And that is because of you. You are ready for the next step, whatever it may because zig has grown, because zig has learned, because zig is the best zig she can be. You are stronger than you think and your fears are smaller than you perceive.

I have been swimming too for awhile. Think I will go back in for another dive. I have been trying to find acceptance. She swims deep.

I will meet you on the blanket. It's the weekend, so we can make this one an all nighter

(((( )))))

[vera be fierce]

I have to be quick here so I can't fully respond but I am glad you had joann to talk to yesterday.

not to also assume that he wants to talk D, but a few things... The cooling off period is short, yes, but I assume that you still have to give your consent at the end of that time before it can be "done" so just bc that pd ends doesn't mean it's final. Also when I talked to cheryl about this period I said that I didn't want to openly contest this to drag it out and she pointed out that it would take time to work out a fair agreement so I just keep reminding myself that i'm not going to rush, this isn't my emergency, but I want to make sure we reach a fair settlement and however long it takes to do that, so be it.

[ces67]

Hey Zig, plenty of good advice here for you so just letting you know I'm thinking of you! ((((Zig)))))

[zig]

stronger, busting, vera, ces

thank you so much for all you have written to me. i will respond more later.

don't have a lot of time right now , so just want to journal what just took place.

I decided to take the bull by the horns and called h this morning and said the if he wanted he could come over and talk before my intern got here.

then i went to meditate - and in the middle of it, it suddenly hit me: I need to acknowledge for myself and to him HIS vulnerability in this situation.

so the moment he walked in looking so tense and so nervous i went and gave him a hug and said - h, you and i are both in the same place right now, and i want you to know that i know you are hurting right now as much as i am.

it changed everything - the way the conversation went, how we talked and the way we talked.

we both cried openly - he had done some work on finding out what it entails to get a d. i was glad that he had prepared a bit.

he said our options were trying to do it on our own, both of us getting lawyers or using a mediator (he had just found out that they exist).

we talked very gently the whole time and it was really easy. i cried on and off and he didn't get freaked out by that. we agreed to try the mediation first and he said that he was going to make an apptmt (she's not available for weeks).

he wasn't upset at the thought that i may want to talk to a lawyer - which was a relief. also he said that he didn't think we should do it on our own because there was a huge amount of paperwork and he and i were really bad at that.

i asked how this was going to be paid for and he said i don't know, we are broke. i said lightly that many people have to actually save the money first to get a d.

then i asked directly about how we were going to deal with s in all this. how he was going to be told etc. we also talked openly about ow (for the first time since around october) and he agreed that how we tell s about everything both to do with the D and ow, we will decide together on everything (huge relief for me)

then i asked if i could ask some questions about ow and he said yes. i asked if there were plans for her to move up here. that i would like to be prepared for that in dealing with s. he replied: "we've discussed it. but i don't know what will happen there - I don't even know if that is going to work out or not" (almost crying)

i asked very gently well, if that's the case , you still want to continue with a D?

he said yes definitely - you and i can't live together. i validated that really well. then he said I think i'm supposed to learn some life lessons here but i'm not getting it. i'm so boneheaded that i'm just going to continue with this.

then i talked to him about both of us being really vulnerable and how we had hidden that behind anger. he agreed and talked about how fearful he was and still is (crying) and i admitted that i had the same kind of fears and how both of us had been so fearful of each other. i asked him if we could both promise each other and decide right now that instead of working from a fearful place we could realize that there was not anything to fear from each other any longer.

he seemed surprised in a way and then agreed. after that there was a lot of hugs - and some more crying - i initiated the hugs, he admitted that he had a lot of feelings for me and that he was going to be f'ed up over the next few weeks about this.

when he was leaving he invited me to be as much as i wanted at in-laws house during the celebrations from thursday to saturday, and also said that after the film tonight, they were all going out to dinner and i could come to if i wanted.

when he said i could be there, i asked if he was okay with me being there at the house, and he was very emotional and said of course i am, i like you. i smiled and said h, you more than like me and he started to cry again

and so, here i am being the person i want to be - i don't feel any negative emotions towards him right now - just a lot of compassion and tenderness and a lot of love. i think i was able to do it this way because i've let go.

the info that he and ow may not work it out - instead of giving me sudden hope, actually made me realize that he really wants this right now, ow or no ow.

so i am really okay - i more than gave him the message that this can be done with love, no matter how difficult it is, and that he really need not fear me.

and i need not feel feared or threatened by anything that he is doing.

be well, all my dear sweet friends and have a wonderful day

zig

ps. several times i freely called him babe and sweetheart - not forced but it just came out. he didn't seem to mind at all.

[Starsky309]

Hi Zig,

I'm sorry to hear that things are moving this way. I just wanted to add a note of caution about the mediator/lawyers thing. I think a mediator is a WONDERFUL way to go -- I'm a big fan, in uncontested divorce situations -- but you should each ALSO have your own attorney look over the final agreement and advise you before you sign anything.

If you let the atty know you're using a mediator, you should be able to find one that will let you pay them an hourly rate for their review of the document and their advice about it, rather than ask you for some huge retainer.

Whether or not your husband does this is up to him, and I'd recommend that you NOT try to give him legal advice (there's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties in these things). But you definitely should get your own family law attorney.


Starsky

[labug]

Hugs to you, zig.