thank you so much for all you have written to me. i will respond more later.
don't have a lot of time right now , so just want to journal what just took place.
I decided to take the bull by the horns and called h this morning and said the if he wanted he could come over and talk before my intern got here.
then i went to meditate - and in the middle of it, it suddenly hit me: I need to acknowledge for myself and to him HIS vulnerability in this situation.
so the moment he walked in looking so tense and so nervous i went and gave him a hug and said - h, you and i are both in the same place right now, and i want you to know that i know you are hurting right now as much as i am.
it changed everything - the way the conversation went, how we talked and the way we talked.
we both cried openly - he had done some work on finding out what it entails to get a d. i was glad that he had prepared a bit.
he said our options were trying to do it on our own, both of us getting lawyers or using a mediator (he had just found out that they exist).
we talked very gently the whole time and it was really easy. i cried on and off and he didn't get freaked out by that. we agreed to try the mediation first and he said that he was going to make an apptmt (she's not available for weeks).
he wasn't upset at the thought that i may want to talk to a lawyer - which was a relief. also he said that he didn't think we should do it on our own because there was a huge amount of paperwork and he and i were really bad at that.
i asked how this was going to be paid for and he said i don't know, we are broke. i said lightly that many people have to actually save the money first to get a d.
then i asked directly about how we were going to deal with s in all this. how he was going to be told etc. we also talked openly about ow (for the first time since around october) and he agreed that how we tell s about everything both to do with the D and ow, we will decide together on everything (huge relief for me)
then i asked if i could ask some questions about ow and he said yes. i asked if there were plans for her to move up here. that i would like to be prepared for that in dealing with s. he replied: "we've discussed it. but i don't know what will happen there - I don't even know if that is going to work out or not" (almost crying)
i asked very gently well, if that's the case , you still want to continue with a D?
he said yes definitely - you and i can't live together. i validated that really well. then he said I think i'm supposed to learn some life lessons here but i'm not getting it. i'm so boneheaded that i'm just going to continue with this.
then i talked to him about both of us being really vulnerable and how we had hidden that behind anger. he agreed and talked about how fearful he was and still is (crying) and i admitted that i had the same kind of fears and how both of us had been so fearful of each other. i asked him if we could both promise each other and decide right now that instead of working from a fearful place we could realize that there was not anything to fear from each other any longer.
he seemed surprised in a way and then agreed. after that there was a lot of hugs - and some more crying - i initiated the hugs, he admitted that he had a lot of feelings for me and that he was going to be f'ed up over the next few weeks about this.
when he was leaving he invited me to be as much as i wanted at in-laws house during the celebrations from thursday to saturday, and also said that after the film tonight, they were all going out to dinner and i could come to if i wanted.
when he said i could be there, i asked if he was okay with me being there at the house, and he was very emotional and said of course i am, i like you. i smiled and said h, you more than like me and he started to cry again
and so, here i am being the person i want to be - i don't feel any negative emotions towards him right now - just a lot of compassion and tenderness and a lot of love. i think i was able to do it this way because i've let go.
the info that he and ow may not work it out - instead of giving me sudden hope, actually made me realize that he really wants this right now, ow or no ow.
so i am really okay - i more than gave him the message that this can be done with love, no matter how difficult it is, and that he really need not fear me.
and i need not feel feared or threatened by anything that he is doing.
be well, all my dear sweet friends and have a wonderful day
zig
ps. several times i freely called him babe and sweetheart - not forced but it just came out. he didn't seem to mind at all.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
