If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[MrBond]

" If her plan is to go out with the OM more to make me upset,"

Do you honestly think that? She's going out with OM because she has feelings for him. It [censored] but it's true for now. Doesn't mean that those feelings are always going to be there.

[wont_stop]

"It's almost as if she's pooping in his face and getting a huge laugh out of it."

Mindreading. Assumptions like that just get people angry and doesn't help with interactions with children.

That's why I need to detach. I need to separate my emotions from her so I don't mind read or make assumptions. I just believe that as long as I stay, I cannot do this. I want to NC and GAL and not let my feelings for her get in the way.

[MrBond]

"I just believe that as long as I stay, I cannot do this. I want to NC and GAL and not let my feelings for her get in the way."

You will always have feelings for her. Understand that right off the bat. It's just that you won't be blindly in love with her. She's more like an acquaintance now or a friend whom you only occasionally see.

[chatterbug]

Feelings change to memories with time.

[2chiquitos]

That's why I need to detach. I need to separate my emotions from her so I don't mind read or make assumptions. I just believe that as long as I stay, I cannot do this. I want to NC and GAL and not let my feelings for her get in the way.

When H went on a trip with OW back around xmas I FLIPPED!! I totally ripped him a new a--! I think back on xmas eve and xmas day and it was HORRIBLE! The following day I left for 2weeks with the kids. I was out to for vengeance. I came back believing that I would detach if only I saw more evidence of them. I found pictures of them kissing and a very romantic email from H to OW. I thought that would help me detach for sure!

Here I am 7mos later and not detached! My advice to you. Don't take that trip personal! She is pushing the limits but you need to set boundaries (ex. I should have said, I don't want you spending any of our money on your new R) Regardless, it's going to hurt, a lot! So as unconsoling as this may sound express your anger and hurt in positive ways. Ex. exercising (bike riding, swimming, running, golfing). I wish I had done this instead of taking it out on him. It took us a long time to recover from that trip.

Talk to neutral people (us for example!). write out your frustrations. dig deep when you do this. Learn something new. Something that requires a lot of brain work. Ex. play an instrument, get (another) degree.

You are still int he early stages of this journey and may (or may not) have a long road ahead of you. Take care of yourself! so you can take care of your kids. They are watching your every move...

[DaddyLongShanks]

"I just believe that as long as I stay, I cannot do this. I want to NC and GAL and not let my feelings for her get in the way."

You will always have feelings for her. Understand that right off the bat. It's just that you won't be blindly in love with her. She's more like an acquaintance now or a friend whom you only occasionally see.

Cosigned.

[25yearsmlc]

"It's almost as if she's pooping in his face and getting a huge laugh out of it."

Mindreading. Assumptions like that just get people angry and doesn't help with interactions with children.

thank you for saying this ^^^bond...a lot of projecting is going here from some folks who were or are very hurt.

I get that.


But please, as bad as the affair is, I seriously doubt that 1) she INTENDS it to disrespect you


in part b/c 2) I doubt she's thinking of you much...sorry but she's not making this about you at all.

It's all about HER and how SHE FEELS when she's with OM...


OR maybe you two had issues that you need to work on and if that's the case, then get on them! Maybe she used those reasons to justify leaving in the first place...

But the idea that she's sticking a dagger in you and "twisting" it

is just NOT KNOWABLE

but it is harmful to you and your attitude, I would imagine. I can't see the value in talking or thinking like that.

I don't find anger helpful in these situations at all, although there are folks who claim it 'strengthens" them. I'd have to ponder that a long time.

BUT we are not in your shoes, atm...so

If you can't take it anymore, if knowing she had an affair at all, is just too much for you to ever get past,

and if you

truly know this, then you know it's over.

But if you are not sure, or think you could hang in there another day or week, OR that maybe a part of you COULD get past this under certain conditions, either way

your course of action is the same for now.

(Except maybe for filing)

But you still make YOUR LIFE as good as you can and you are totally there for your son.

You become the best man YOU can become, a man only a fool would leave, which YOU control,

not for her - but FOR YOU and for your son...

That's my main point.

The only little quibbling thing I had was a question about the weekend being so special to you and that it was THE weekend you two spent away.

So you knew that... and then you told her that for the first time, YOU would spend some of that away...? Did she ask why or did you make it clear it was either to teach her a lesson OR b/c you were hurt or did you think she knew why AND cared?

I mean, all I can tell is that you informed her that YOU were choosing NOT to spend the weekend with her and that you'd take the middle night to yourself, correct?

Hey I'm not defending her

but I can imagine how, in her mind, that was permission.

In fact she may have felt that you blew it and didn't want to work on things or talk to her so, she'd show you.

YES I'm mind reading here ^^^and I know that--but its to show you how useless it is.

We can all come up with various causes for their actions but sometimes there are no "causes", or reasons behind, or motives or we totally guess the wrong ones.

Hence keeping the focus on US, OUR motives and OUR children's welfare.

Did you read the DiV busting book or the Div Remedy book? I found the second one more helpful b/c the first one harps about how bad divorce is, which I feel that I already knew.

But do what helps and read what resonates with you.

[wont_stop]

She was gone the whole week except for Tuesday night. I was alone most of the week. It is Saturday morning, and she is here. We are supposed to go meet her mother and the kids at her timeshare. She came home at around 2 a.m. I am trying NC, deflecting her attempts at small talk and only saying short answers while trying not to sound angry. I want to tell her how I feel about what she did this week, but that's probably the wrong decision. How do I handle the 3 hour car ride? Thank goodness I decided to come home early on Sunday and work the week.

[25yearsmlc]

She was gone the whole week except for Tuesday night. I was alone most of the week. It is Saturday morning, and she is here. We are supposed to go meet her mother and the kids at her timeshare. She came home at around 2 a.m. I am trying NC, deflecting her attempts at small talk and only saying short answers while trying not to sound angry. I want to tell her how I feel about what she did this week, but that's probably the wrong decision. How do I handle the 3 hour car ride? Thank goodness I decided to come home early on Sunday and work the week.

Okay WS, not sure if you really processed what I said but here's ONE option for you to consider.


When my h was planning to leave us to live up NORTH (as in near the Arctic circle) he had a conference about 7 weeks before leaving, in Palm Springs and wanted me and our 2 d's to attend with him...

I balked, I thought, "no way am I going to fake like we're all fine when he's about to leave us/our marriage," etc.

But my DB coach had a totally different take on it. First she said,

"Why can't you give your kids some good memories of time together, esp if it's the last time together you'll have?"

"Why can't you give your h something to miss?"

SO for four days, just FOUR DAYS I felt I could act as if. I prayed about it and prayed about it b/c I knew I'd need strength. It was a 4 hour car ride and hotel rooms, etc for 4 days.

I believed I could be positive and maybe neutral at times (but NOT negative) maybe, for FOUR DAYS.

The fact that I knew I "could always be angry again later" actually helped me which is a tad embarrassing.

But I was angry and hurt and fearful.
But I chose to make those 4 days GOOD ONES for my kids and b/c I did not want to fuel any negative images or justifications in my h's mind for leaving.

I knew if I sulked or criticized, he'd want to flee faster. Esp if he had OW to jump into the arms of. (I had to ask myself "Why would he choose ME if I was closed off to him and angry all the time?")

So I put on my Mother Teresa mask at first but then I also decided to THINK differently...not to just act that way but to try and BE that way.

For instance, when my h would discuss the birds of prey we saw flying in the desert (h used to be a veterinarian and knows a lot about wildlife) or some biological event,

I sometimes thought "geez he's being nerdy OR he's monopolizing the conversation". Instead I CHOSE to see the value there is in having a smart educated partner and father of my kids.

I really stopped the negatives when they entered my mind. Like the STOP SIGN image popped in and I"d replace it with a positive spin IF I COULD

or at least change topics or go neutral.

I vowed that nothing negative or critical would come out of MY mouth for those 4 days. One significant part of this was about being in the present.

NOT letting myself freak out about the future around the corner

OR bemoaning how we got there and re-hashing the past..

"Just be here now" was my mantra for those 4 days.

It's made a huge difference in how I handle things even now. So much of my life before, was about fretting over things I could do nothing about...I wasted a lot of energy on negative feelings that did NOT help me live a good life.

ANYHOW---After about a day or so, I actually saw that H relaxed around us more. HE was funny and I was able to laugh.

I started to see his worth and good traits again for real-and appreciated them,

and he became warmer too. He became kinder in a short time when he saw that I was not seething. If he was curt, which he was on the drive up, I ignored it or changed the topic with the girls.

We had a great wonderful trip and I know my atittude helped shape it so much.

I think what all that was, was a glimpse of what forgiveness would look like.

if your wife feels that there's no way you won't hold this over her head forever

or throw it in her face every time you fight, she'll understandably not want to try and restore the m.

She'll flee that much faster.

The more negative you are, the more she'll feel "right to leave" and you have to counter those negatives that she uses to rationalize leaving. The negatives can only be countered by positives

not arguments. Not questions like "How can you do this?" That only generates her defensiveness AND her justifications.

The more you challenge her choices, the more she defends them instead of looking hard at them, reflectively and pondering the effects. When the effects are pointed out by YOU, they will be countered and argued. You dont' want that.

You want her to 2nd guess her choices...don't forget that.

Being a doormat is NOT what I'm suggesting.

I am saying "give her something to miss. Be in the moment. And give your kids a good memory".

Make sense?

[chatterbug]

Being a doormat is NOT what I'm suggesting.

I am saying "give her something to miss. Be in the moment. And give your kids a good memory".

Make sense?

If you do not understand any of 25's post.... Understand this. And when you understand this. Reread what she wrote.