14 Months Secret Separation: talking mediation

[adinva]

I think there's more to this 'doing for me.'

I have struggled with the idea that because of who I am, I'm just an inferior spouse and not worthy of being with someone.

My H wouldn't be leaving me if I were... prettier, kept a neater house, more fit, made more money. Isn't that what we all think when our H's first leave?

So we go crazy doing things "for us." Working out, doing our hair, putting on makeup each day, cleaning the house more. To "fix" the problems that caused our marriage to break up. But it's not really for us. We say it is, and we do feel better about ourselves, but we're really hoping and praying that H will notice we really do look good and we really aren't slobs and he is a fool to leave us.

I've had now 14 months to work through this and figure out who I am and what I want.

Do I want to become a neater housekeeper so I can attract my H or some other guy and so I can feel good about myself that I'm a neater housekeeper? Do I need to check off the list anyone whose needs don't match my needs? Do we need to feel equally about clutter?

I don't think so. The secret that I learned is to know who I am and what my needs are (right now I'm a bit overwhelmed with work and parenting and tend toward being messy - this might change in the future) and to know who my partner is and what his needs are (right now he's overwhelmed with job stress and tends toward OCD - this might change in the future). And to work out agreements and do things, both of us, to get our needs met in conjunction with the other.

If I can clean the house as an act of love toward someone who likes a clean house, that to me is BETTER than for me to try to become more like the person who likes the clean house. Because we'll have other needs that conflict and the ability to negotiate them and meet them will work in any situation.

In the meantime I may just decide that I like the house clean too, and my needs will be different. At that point, H's underwear on the floor that he doesn't notice will become a source of stress to me. We'll need to be able to negotiate that when the time comes.