Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Hi all,

I think I just broke a few DB rules. Let me explain.

Last night D8 had an awful night. She woke up crying and while I was hugging her to comfort her she told me that she missed cuddling with her mom. She also said that all her friends had happy families and that she wanted a happy family again. She asked me if we would ever have a happy family again. I was at a loss for words and on the edge of tears myself. I just told her that both her mom and myself loved her very much and that we needed to be strong and have faith. I told her that her mom needed some time to figure some things out and that we would give her a bit of space. I told her that I too , missed W and that I still loved her very much. I told her I was trying very hard to fix myself and to make sure we can have a happy family in the future. I don’t know if this is good but I just don’t have it in me to tell her that it might be over between her mom and I.

Through the night, she moved a lot and kicked me all night, keeping me awake for most of it (we share a queen size bed in our boarding house). Of course, this morning we were both exhausted and were almost late for school.

**I will bring this up with my C in a few days and arrange for D8 to see her. I’ve already talked to her about the fact that talking someone you don’t know sometimes is easier and asked her if she would like to meet my C. I think she is receptive to the idea. She even finds it funny that I have homework to do from the C.

Ok, so to continue, after getting home from school, I texted W to tell her that maybe, we (me and D8) should move into a house as soon as possible, to give D8 a more stable home. I figured that with a bit more routines and her own space with her toys (which are now all in boxes at friends’), home cooked meals and local friends to play with she might be able to adjust a bit more easily. Also, in a house, W could even spend more time with D8 and even, from time to time, stay the night I her room (which she can’t do here since we only have one room - by the way, I didn’t say this to W). After all, we have been living out of suitcase since April.

A few days ago, we had seen a house which might do (W saw it with us) so I thought that maybe it would be a good idea just to get this even though right now, our financial situation isn’t great. In fact, a few days ago, we decided that we should wait at least until I get work, especially so that the boarding house where I am now is quite big and managed by the mother of a friend who told us we could stay until the end of September (that’s when they lose the lease on the house). This is also convenient because my friend’s mom also loves D8 and often takes care of her if I need to step out.

Ok, so since there was so much to discuss, I suggested we meet and discuss our options, to which she happily agreed. We met downtown in a coffee stall and the meeting went well enough. I kept my head for most of it until W told me that D8 had asked if she could live with W. I was saddened by this and had to fight off tears. W said that she had asked D8 if she liked living with me and D8 answered that she did but that she missed W so much (there W had to hold back tears).

Anyways, I’ll try to make this long story a bit shorter by skipping a few things and bunching another few together. We went to see another house together on my motorcycle after dropping off her bicycle at her boarding house (my first time there) and we eventually agreed that maybe it’s not a good idea to rent a house just yet, mainly because there is a chance we can take over the lease of the boarding house where I am now at the end of September. This would be great as it would provide us with a bit of an income as well as with a home.

W said that she would try to see D8 more often and suggested she could perhaps even spend the night in our room every so often (I can sleep on an inflatable mattress we have).

Now, I know I probably broke a few rules but remember how four days ago, W said she wanted a divorce because we weren’t friends anymore and that we weren’t compatible? Well I think that what I was doing then (being dark/dim and mysterious) wasn’t working. I suspect that she got angry at the thought of me being with OW (my lady friend) and that this is what prompted her impulsive reaction. Since then we have made progress, met everyday (twice her initiative and once mine) and had an overall good time which sounds good to me.

Here are some good things which I think came out of today.

We talked about D8 and connected on most ideas to help her cope with this. The talk included how W can be around a bit more and maybe even spend the night once in a while (her ideas). It also included the possibility of D8 seeing my C.

We had a good time and she let me take her to a local food stall I discovered for some local porridge (which W loves).

W mentioned that she had noticed many changes in me, and that she thought I was doing well.

W mentioned that when talking to D8, D8 had told her that I didn’t get angry anymore.

She commented on how good a ride my motorbike was, how great it felt and what a good purchase it was (just a few days ago she called me selfish for buying it).

During our conversation, at one point when I was talking about how great D8 was, she reached out and squeezed my shoulder gently and we had good eye contact and a laugh on some things.

There was no R talk.

W didn't seem too concerned about my knowing where she lives.

I ended the meeting by dropping her off at her boarding house said a quick thank you and good bye and left right away.

These are the negative things which took place.

I initiated contact, the meeting and the lunch invitation.

I became teary-eyed at the mention of D8 wanting to live with W.

At one point, when I was talking about business ideas, W said that I would need a local to register it. Then she said that she supposed she could do it if I wanted.


Again, I don’t know if all of this is good or bad but at least we agreed that D8 is both our priority and I hope that we can help her cope with this.

On the DB side of things. What do I make of it? Probably too much. I’m just happy right now that W and I are on talking terms again and that she has noticed (and approves of) some of the changes I’ve made. I also have a feeling that OM might not be as big a part of W’s life as I thought. She talked a lot about wanting to spend more time with D8, spending Saturday nights here with her. Taking her to gigs if she had to. Even offered to take D8 during Idul Fitri (Muslim week-long holiday at the end of Ramadan)so that I can go for a motorbike drive to do research on some business ideas (import/export). With all of this, there doesn’t seem to be much time left for OM. I know, I’m just making assumptions but this helps me cope, for the moment.

I felt that she was looking at me with different eyes, and although there is still a lot of distance, (and I’m sure a long way to go) it’s nice to see her that way. I also noted that over the last few days, she often commented on how good I look. I know. It’ s not enough for a reconciliation but right now, I’ll take encouragements anywhere I can.

I’d love to hear your ideas on this.

Thanks for listening.