Thread #8 - It's time.

[25yearsmlc]

most of your post again, shows such self awarness...such growth that I commend you

Tried talking to W last night about some of the details. It didn't go well...and we ended up going down the same old rabbit hole, going back and forth on our past.

Lots of her saying "you should have known better" and me saying "I don't see how I could have known, I never intended to hurt you". We're never going to see eye to eye on the past...I just need to accept that and stop those conversations before they start.

So how will you do that, in a simple brief and to the point way, from now on?

We did agree that our communication problems were the major reason we are where we are today. I asked her that we both really try to communicate throughout this S process...let's at least do it right this time.

W feels like I am not supporting her in getting a job and the separation process. I told her it is really hard for me to do. She specifically brought up the time where I was discouraging when she started talking about jobs. I admitted that was a mistake and that I had already apologized for that. But she kept on hammering me on it...


YOU

must stop the hammering...really. Tell her you have to go if htat's what it takes for her to modify HER own inappropriate angry behavior. It gets you two nowhere.


basically telling me that if I loved her then I wouldn't ever say something like that to her. I totally want to support her, but at the same time, I totally don't want our M to end.

blah blah blah....haven't we been thru this same scene a hundred times?

She said that if I support her and stay positive through our S it would really help her let go of a lot of her resentment toward me...

Gee, what would that be like? I mean,

So what? How will that help YOU? What would be different?

You still seem to think SHE has the right to feel angry

and she does NOT!



so I told her I am going to do that. Just listen and be there for her. I know I don't owe her that...but it is what I want to do. This M is ending, and I would like it to end on as a positive note as possible.

do not confuse a "positive note" with being treated badly, again....and taking it...again.


Here's what we've worked out logistically so far:

W is going to try for a govt. job that pays in the $40-50K/yr range. I am going to do everything I can to help her with that, because it would greatly benefit both of us for her to get a job with steady hours, job security, good pay, and good benefits. And it would be a huge boost to her self esteem.

We both want a 50/50 split with the kids, despite the counselor saying that it's not good for them.

that's the first c I've heard say that. Get a 2nd opinion or she may use that one in court...

We both agreed that we are married until we sign final D paperwork, and that a R/sex with someone else prior to that would be cheating.

Um, I think we already know how that will go. What are you going to DO if she lies or breaks that weakly made promse? (Sorry but it sounds weakly made TO ME)


I want to leave the door open to reconciliation...she doesn't see how that could ever happen.

Then stop bringing it up!

Start acting, finally, as if YOU GET IT....she' done-- So IT'S DONE...okay, and guess what?

YOU WILL BE FINE ANYHOW...the only possible way for her to "get it" is if she believes YOU get it

and so far, you kind of still don't. You still have hopes...and that shows and it comes off as neediness to HER

and that makes her run faster and farther....sure wish you could see that.


She wants to stay in DC. I am ok with that, and will stay in the Navy, at least for the next 2 years. I can always get out at a later time if they try to force me to move away from the kids.

IC today. Should have plenty to discuss.

Hang in there. A lot of progress is happening.

How is your support group helping you and ARE YOU availing yourself of them?