A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

dear vera - i have so many friends here, and so many turtles surrounding me that i am in awe of where i have landed up - slightly sad smile.

i've been hitching rides on my way back to the blanket - actually i don't think i got off so much as went for a very deep swim.

i've been riding Acceptance for a while, and then taking a turn on Letting Go, and then back to Acceptance for a little longer.

Yes vera - turtles do take their time, but it is time well spent, don't you think? in getting things right?

thanks for coming to call me - i do need that right now
((((( )))))
zig




journaling
I do believe that h is ready to file, and even though I would want it differently, I've decided to face the brutal reality and let go

I won't say it hasn't been a difficult 2 days.

OTOH, we haven't talked yet, but I have been emotionally preparing for the worst, as that is what I sense is coming.

he has been calling everyday this week, hinting that we have to talk but not really going there, and I have been avoiding it, and he hasn't pushed for it. Today, he called twice and left no messages (back to his old ways) and then finally left a really tight sounding short one asking that I call. I did but he didn't pick up and i left a friendly message. When I spoke to s tonight, he was right there, but didn't ask to speak to me and I didn't either.

So it's a bit odd. I think he's getting angry/impatient, but then again I don't know, and actually don't care all that much. He's suddenly ready to get the ball rolling and needs me to jump to attention to help it happen, but I have other things that are important to me right now that I need to focus on.

I see his pattern so much more clearly - slight hints at what he may want, but never getting straight to the point and being direct when it's time to take action. I am supposed to know exactly what is on his mind, if he hints at it and take it from there.

I don't choose to do that now. I need to focus on this new job and getting that established. I have a lot of my own hurdles to cross and am struggling a bit with that right now also.

I did speak with Joann today - and that helped really a lot to center and ground me. Until then I was struggling quite a lot and I'm not exactly sure what about. Partly that it was down to the wire with him very likely ready to file, but mostly really messed up about the possible spew and reactions from h if I so much as brought up anything that he may not agree with.

I was also dreading having the conversation with him - my own avoidance issues, I suppose. And i think dreading that I felt that I needed to sit there and act nonchalant and not show anything.

But Joann reassured me that it was okay to show my feelings as long as I didn't act on them. She also helped me see that I could keep the conversation short and to the point and that I didn't need to subject myself to 1 or 2 hrs of whatever he might want to say around the issue. She suggested that I make a date with a friend which was not too long after we met to talk, so that I had a good reason to leave and end things before he could go off on a schpeel.

We talked about a couple of good reasons which I could present to him why he shouldn't file right away next week, which she thought could buy some time but more importantly indicate clearly to him that I was taking care of myself.

She urged me not to fight him in anyway during this process. Including not prolonging having this talk, but to have it whenever he wanted in the near future. Her words were:" in general, you don't slow a train down by getting on the track = they'll try to move faster" that if he felt I was trying to slow things down he would just react by speeding them up.

at the same time, co-operating did not mean letting him have everything his way, but to protect myself on all accounts.

She urged me strongly to accept what was going on and to let go and accept what is right now. and the second half of the conversation was mostly discussing me, my beliefs and the progress I had made.

To focus on myself and take as many pain breaks as I could ( I liked that :)). I told her about my new job and she said that yes use that to get a pain break while you need it.

At the end, she said out of the blue - I haven't given up, and neither should you but for now you need to really let go .


while i was speaking to a friend this morning, she asked me what the cooling off period for D was in this state. I googled it and got a bit of a shock - 2 months!! so that was something I had to work on accepting today also. If there is nothing to object to or discuss, it could possibly be through in 2 months - wow - that was a bit of an eye-opener to me. also made me realize that i have not done any kind of job about preparing myself for this, so it is really time to wake up and smell the coffee here


Joann did ask me that was I so upset because of the present reality or because of what i was building up in my mind, and was that a thing i often did. i was a little shocked to realize that even before i knew what h was going to talk to me about, i had already decided what it was, seen the worst and started reacting and preparing for that. (of course, otoh, it was not such an illogical conclusion to come to either)

her pointing that out really helped me to see what i was doing and calmed me down tremendously. aaah so so much to learn =about myself, still. how i reacted this week, showed me how i still struggle to stay still for myself.

I've calmed down since then and even started to feel a slight sense of relief - and the possibility of being somewhat free of this.

The best part today was the sudden realization that came to me while I was talking to my friend again in the evening - and i think that this will be hugely instrumental in my process of letting go:

I have done everything I can, and it's okay. I can let myself walk away from this knowing I did everything I could.

In the moment that I was telling her that i think i've done everything i could - I saw how i had been holding on to this, because i kept thinking that I hadn't done everything yet.

So a certain amount of peace comes from that thought. i think I have been so worried that just like in my marriage i didn't do enough, that i believed i had to keep trying

but it's okay for me to stop now. i don't believe i will carry the feeling of not having done enough.

i'm still very sad tonight, but already in a much better place than i was 24 hrs ago, so i am just focusing on how things change all the time, and that if there are downs there are also ups and that they ebb and flow just like the waves i'm in on the back of my turtle right now


i'm sad, but expectant - of a good future, and as my mom said to me tonight you are going to be so fine zig, everything is going to be okay.

so i'm just going to focus on that and only that, no matter what comes up for me ...