MLC with depression....double the fun!

[albamarie]

I spoke to a C last night. Gave him the gist of what's going on and his last line was the most helpful.

Learn to not know, (not care)...ignore that H has this lakefront crap in his life. (I know I've read that here).

I am too smart and tech savvy and really need to channel that into looking for a job or hobby, instead of mapping his every move throughout the city.

I'm going to take a class maybe. Not to finish that psych degree...had enough of that for now. Maybe try a nutrition class.

I do like getting a male point of view, guys tend to be straight forward in their advice. H is like that and I need to really hear the good stuff he says....really listen instead of pondering the few negatives allll dddayy loonggg.

[albamarie]

Again, anyone! Please tell me how to BootCamp.

[albamarie]

^

[Cadet]

Again, anyone! Please tell me how to BootCamp.

It is sgctxok's project.
You must tell her that you want to do it on one of her threads above.
The problem right now is more people are doing it than there are mentors volunteering.

The other suggestion I could make for you is to start a thread on the MLC board.

How are you doing with all the homework I gave you?

[albamarie]

Thank you. Your the first person to answer that question.

I have been reading a lot of the information. Just trying to comprehend everything while I'm also living it is tiring.

I will look into the project...maybe I'll get lucky.

[~ kd ~]

DM, I've gone back and read through your thread again. I had asked you when you first started this thread, what do you want for you and your kids, even if your M is not saved...

What I am reading, you are way overwhelmed and consumed by your H.

Think about this:

You somewhat suggest that everything short of (or perhaps including) and intervention with your H has not worked. He keeps denying help.

Now consider... why do you think that you are not seeking help... for yourself...? And focusing on yourself and getting yourself emotionally and otherwise stable? Even though it has been suggested a few times...

Bootcamp might be great for you. It helps keep the focus on you.

You can also get that in your own thread, right now... if you are prepared to pull your focus away from your H and put it on yourself.

Are you prepared to really commit to focusing on you?

[albamarie]

Today H's EA crap called my cell. She likes to do that to say H needs to stop coming around and then she proceeds to make sure I relies information is current.

DLS-wrote on another thread: Standing in and being strong in the face of this affair, allows him to build up his EGO in this over time. The longer you hang in there, the bigger and stronger the EGO that thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife gets. You can deflate it or minimize it by getting out of the picture, not helping him, and mean it.

Wow! That really hit home for me. I am standing tall in the face of H's need have an OW in his life. Standing my ground, that's what I think I'm doing.

H did say he's amazed at how much he seems to be getting away with doing what he wants a few months back.

I can't not help him because I run the business. I control the work flow and money. I pay everything and maintain the account.

H said if I stopped it would hurt me because he just wont work. His MLC, depression, what ever, gives him this power by believing he can just give up on life.

The more I'm nicely out of his way, the nicer he is at home and to me personally. What is there to "come back to" he's cake eating.

Then EA crap makes sure I know it was that Fri (with his new jeans) on the front seat of MY SUV, that she dowsed the inside with beer. Or, he stopped by with those "new glasses".

Then I think I'm such a lonely pathetic door mat. Thinking how nice I need to be, or how I need to listen and validate him.

He comes home tired, stinky, curls up in a ball with depression while he maybe spent the early part of that morning walking the beach with EA crap. Why, because he needs the camaraderie. I'm too pure! The kids are good! Our home is too comfortable!

I just bought a new phone and found an app that will finally reject her messages. Some of which I put in my itune folder first because she threatens to have H beat in the head on the street with a bat.

Does he not leave because "we are what's safe and familiar"? H says this is his family and even if he left it will always be his family, he trust me more than his own mom. He'll come back, he's not trying to leave us, but himself.

H keeps insisting he wants to go off in his own direction, but know one here is stopping him. He says I should let him go, but I did, I'm not his obstacle.

Am I his crutch?

[~ kd ~]

DLS-wrote on another thread: Standing in and being strong in the face of this affair, allows him to build up his EGO in this over time. The longer you hang in there, the bigger and stronger the EGO that thinks it's ok to cheat on his wife gets. You can deflate it or minimize it by getting out of the picture, not helping him, and mean it.

So if you liked this, than take a look at the other side of the coin.

The more you stand up to your H, the more he will dig in his heals and stay with OW.

....

Your M is dead.

Now...

What about you and your kids?

[albamarie]

KD: I am trying to learn everyday how to focus on myself. I think "no it's about me" when ever my mind wanders into his camp. I am sick of the anxious rush that comes over me when I think wrong thoughts. I swear my blood pressure is rising.

I have been a stay home mom, wife, homeschooler, self employed business coordinator, and strength for this family for over 23yrs.

Doing "me" was always on the back burner.

I didn't finish my, psychology degree at university. I made H my bff, and my adult kids ( especially my D 18) and I are very close. Not too much about me here.

I really have no direction. I did speak to a C last nigh and that was good. I can only find AA meetings in my area.

I have to learn how to do me. I don't do alone well (only child). I was looking forward in life to this point as the great yrs, more money, less work, no kids, freedom! All with H of course.

Now I face the second half of life just a little more free than I wanted to be. I am very significant other driven...I take care of people, that's who I am.

It's like everyone is leaving me at the same time. Though know one has really left, they GAL without me, I was ready for that from the kids, but H, that's the killer.

So me is whom I'm left with, I better get to know her soon!

[~ kd ~]

Good.

I see fear and uncertainty, which is understandable.

I also see anger, which is understandable.

I see someone who is supportive. A care giver and nurturer. And an intellectual with a lot of interest in things and a fairly diverse skill set.

So...

The question you appear to be stuck with is...

Now what...

Well, you can't keep doing the same thing since the sitch has changed around you. That would be a little silly and borderline insanity... Still, it's all coming down on you at once. Your eyes are only now opening to the reality that doing the same thing is no longer working...

So...

Do something different...

You have a fresh beginning in life, even though it did not happen as you expected...

BTW: I do see a huge amount of expectations in your posts, as well.

How about making a list of about 4 things that you might investigate for this new phase of life you are entering?