I called H this morning very early. I just told him I was thinking about him. That he sounded crazy busy on Monday when he called and that I was giving him a hug.
He said thank you. Then acted like he wanted to hang up. I asked how he was and he said, crazy busy. Then said he needed to get in the shower and if he has time later he would call.
Why is this bothering me so much?
He pages me and says he needs to SPEAK with me. Am I the only one that thinks that takes on a different tone than saying talk?
Then I don't hear from him for 2 days?
If it was something bad, like water, I want to move on with my life, or OW is back.... would you avoid that? and not want to call?
If it was something good, like water I want to work on this or see where this is going wouldn't you want to tell that?
Am I making too much of this?
I am having a hard time keeping the faith today. I am afraid. Afraid of the unknown. Afraid that the good times we have shared recently havent been for real. That he is not ready to make that step. That he still has too much pain and hurt.
How can it be so good one minute and not the next?
And I know, that not matter what I will be ok, I don't NEED my H, but D@mn it I WANT him. I know that my mind could just be on hyper overload and the evil forces are working overtime with me. I could get on the phone with him and he could want to know about his car.
Which is another issue I have. He was letting our oldest son use his car while H gets settled in Seattle. Now H wants me to buy it from him. In one of our middle of the night conversations he asked me to drive it as son got his own car so H's has just been sitting in the drive. So I drive it last week. It made me VERY uncomfortable. It had vibes of OW. I need to let H know that I cannot buy his car. How do I tell him that because of his actions and his involvement with OW that has made his car not an option for me? Of course don't want to hurt his feelings or make him uncomfortable.
OK, back to the faith thing.... I asked God to help me this morning. I told him I was having a hard time with feeling like in the end this was all going to work out for us being together. Ya know what God, I would really like that sooner rather than later. I waiver in my thought that we will create a new R together because I am afraid of being hurt. If I go all the way out on the tight rope and then H stays in the tunnel that hurts. I also wonder, what if I DON"T have faith am I writing my own future? I have the following taped to my PC monitor: Whatever you believe - with conviction - becomes your reality I DO believe, just don't want to hurt anymore. Is that contradictory?
I am with Tal today, I'm sorry to bring all this to everyone who also has their own trial and tribulations to deal with. It used to be that when something would hurt me I would turn to H and we would work through it. I wish I could do that now and have him understand.
Again, my apologies for being all over the board, it is just the unknown that is killing me!
