Lost and need some guidance on my next steps

[AlkalineThoughts]

Thanks so much for the reply! I'll try to shine a bit more light via responses to your statements:

I am taking this is her first time ever moving away from central Florida? Usually it is at about 6 to 18 months that this happens. Takes time to work through. What you said to her was true. But she said her complaints with out offering any solutions. The words were fix this. Perhaps they should have been can you help me through this any suggestions. And you two could have joined clubs ... etc....

No, this isn't her first time moving away from the mouse. She was a navy brat, moving her whole childhood... Then she moved to Georgia a couple years after high school, stayed a few years before moving back to the mouse and then quickly down to South Florida with me.

I did suggest clubs etc, but that never really happened... She's admitted that she could have tried harder, but she just felt that she wouldn't make friends as close as the ones she left behind.

That was very good of you and your brother to get her this job in such a difficult economic time.

It was a simple decision really, as she is fantastic at what she does (marketing)

No. You had thoughts that something was not right with the relationship. That she was hiding something and not giving her share to the marriage. So instead of going off the handle and accusing her of your thoughts. You verified and then confronted her on her poor boundaries with the ex boyfriend.

While I understand what you're saying here, the fact that I snooped made me feel terrible about myself and is a trait that I don't want to deal with. While I did find things I didn't want to, I could have gone about it a better way without compromising myself.

Typical rewrite of history to match the current poor boundaries and her choice to go sleep with another man. [\quote]

Yup, I'm learning that.

[quote=chatterbug]This is typical.... Rewrite. She had her hook up or set it up.

So now she packed her bags and left to find her independence in the city she knows surrounded by familiar friends, family , buildings and EX. Her words of independence = affair. They are that plain and simple.

While OM certainly had something to do with it, I think it's a fallacy to place all of her quest for self-identity on an affair. But I can understand what you're saying.

Independence was something she was experiencing when she moved to Miami. She could have made some different choices for some free time. Such as joining a running club with other women, taking night school , art classes, volunteering and getting a part time job. The list is endless. Then she could have offered the other solution of heading up the turn pike to Mouseville every other weekend. That way you would be given the opportunity to get to know her family and friends.

Strangely enough, she did go up to see the mouse about once or twice a month, sometimes with me sometimes without. As most of my family is also in Mouse-ville, we made frequent trips up there. I became close with many of her friends and her family as well. She did complain sometimes that most of the times that I went with her to mouseville, my family monopolized our time (I have a very large and very close family) and she didn't feel she got enough time to hang with her friends or sister... so she started heading up there on her own once in a while, which I wholeheartedly supported.

And around this time she was complaining about not finding work. But how active was she looking? And you worked and offered a solution to her problem.

Honestly, I'm sure she wasn't looking TOO hard, but when she'd suggest bartending or waiting tables, I told her to keep looking instead, as I know she would have been miserable doing those things.

So with that problem resolved..... She switched it to were spending too much time together. Yet offered no solutions about getting some hobbies or studies or sports to gain some independence.

I agree, its horsehockey.

She quit a job in a small company that you and your brother work at after being there for a short while. No doubt this looks bad. Because it is. She just quit and left. After complaining that she could not find any jobs.

Well I'd left the company a few months before, and she, rightfully so, was extremely uncomfortable with us going through what we were going through... having to work closely with my brother every day (as there are only three people in that office). Plus, her boss was pushing her out the door, so if she hadn't "quit" she would have been let go in a few weeks time. I know this for sure. I know this sounds like justification, but it's clarification.

Does she have a job in CF ? How is she paying for her life there ? I hope the words are not "I am giving her money"

She has a part time, work from home job in CF (working for a very small marketing company which I own, doing data-mining work. She needs 0 supervision for the position and we almost never have to discuss work at all. Maybe once in the last 6 months) I do not send her any money, and in all honesty she wouldn't accept it if I did. She is very strong-willed in that way. She's gone so far as to try to send me money for the tolls that she's incurred on our shared E-pass.

She complained that you are too affectionate. I am guessing that you are always like this. So this is something she decided was fine when she married you as I am guessing it was not an issue before the marriage. She told you that your primary love language [censored] and she wants you to change it or else.

Yes, I've always been very affectionate, but it got to the point of being smothering, by my own admission (in retrospect of course). The further I felt her pulling away, the more affectionate I got, the more I touched her or hugged her or kissed her... And that continued to drive her away. I was trying to fill a hole in her heart with affection, and it was only making the hole more visible, as no matter how much affection I give her, I can't replace having other friends, hobbies, direction in life, a career she can be proud of... etc...

Do you see the issue here. It should have you been saying. Wife. I hear what your saying on always touching you. But this is how I like to express my love and desire for you. For it is important for me to make sure you know this. It helps with our marriage when I can freely express my primary love language to you. So I would like you to work with me on this as it is good for the marriage and I will work with you on your primary love language and show my love for you that way as well.

Fantastic advice that, if we get through this fog together, I will certainly bring up.. Might even have to read exactly what you've written!

It's like what she is saying now.

You did not fight to make me stay.

How could you? It is a statement with only one outcome. You lose.

Almost EXACTLY what IC said to me. She put me in a double-bind where I had no correct move to make.

How do you think she would have liked it if you said a very truthful statement to her.

Wife you are always complaining about everything to me. Yet you never offer any solutions and just expect me to change. This is not how I envision our marriage to work. I am not here to fix all your issues. Work with you and support you yes.

What do you think she would have said to that?

As tough as this sounds to admit, I think she would have been receptive to it... But I never expressed it in such an explicit way...

I think you better not make the mistake of following your cheating wife to CF.

Stay with your job and learn to gain some confidence. I would pick up a sport or a hobby where you will regain your self esteem.

I will not be chasing her to the Mouse. I've made that decision, that the only way I move up there is if things between us improve dramatically. That means no more OM, an admission of OM, frank talks about what went wrong and plans for how we can work on them... But these are all things SHE will have to bring to the table. I won't ask for any of this.

You have the choice to say D. Move on. Which is an option here based on her actions and poor choices.

Won't be pursing this option, as I know I have plenty of work on myself to do before I'd even consider this.

You continue to work on yourself. Build your self esteem. Be honest with your brother on why your wife quit her job and moved back to the mouse. His support will help you through these tough times. Especially when your work slides. He can call you out on it and support you on it.

Exactly my plan. Continue GAL, building self-esteem etc. W was honest with my brother as to why she left, and he understood and agreed with her. Even told her that they might be able to work something out that she works remotely from the Mouse, but she's not comfortable doing that right now... Plus the pay would be so dramatically reduced that it would make little sense.

Other good news on this front, my "new" job and boss are aware of my situation and are completely supportive of when I need to take off early to see IC, work from home in the mornings or afternoons or when my work slips a bit. It rarely does.

Really think about the woman you married. Not how you envision she is. How she really is. Her strengths and flaws. You know she is the person to drop everything , hurt you to the core , sleep with another man , and then when you confront she will say it was your fault. You know she complains about everything. You know she does not take ownership for her issues. You know she is not honest with you and will string you along. Then she expects you to wait it out and then win her heart back ( Change to her liking ) These are part of who she is. You need to wrap your head around this. And truly decide if this is something you can live with and overcome.

Thanks for this! I've done a good deal of soul searching on this. As bad as it sounds, especially coming 100% from my perspective, she gave me plenty of signs of her unhappiness, is the first to admit she needs to work on a lot of things (NOW she is at least).

So while you're right on many of your assertions, I also know that she's not the person she's become over the last few months. No, she's far from perfect, as we all are, but I know that I can and will work through this so long as she will do 50% of the work. I won't change WHO I am, but I will change the things I don't like about myself, the things that need changing, and will compromise on what I need to... but only compromise... not give in, not change myself.

But to do that means strong boundaries. So you need to learn them. They need to be communicated.

You need to learn to communicate your issues with solutions offered. If you have no solution then you need to work on and resolve your issue.

This is very helpful advice.

You need to realize that your wife dumped you and your family. That it is absolutely absurd for you to be chasing her , when she left you to try another guy out for awhile.

Lesson learned...or in the process of being learned!

You are always available when she calls. You answer her hook R talks. Some are set up to justify her poor choices. Some are set up to determine if your still hanging around in limbo.

True... But it's really tough to not talk to her, especially when 90% of the time the conversations are light-hearted and sweet with no R talk. Plus, we have some living situation related issues we need to talk about soon... I'll just have to be more vigilant about not getting into any R talk with her until the living-situation stuff is worked out.

If I was you. I would stop with any money payments to her if they are happening.

They're not

I would work on communication issues with the IC and work on solutions to rebuild your self esteem and why you felt it was necessary to not have a voice in your marriage. And why the IC feels that this is an appropriate response to being cheated on.

All things we work on!

Next R talk about fighting for her to stay I would tell the wife that I will not court you back into the marriage. She quit her job , her marriage , moved 400 miles to break her vows. I will no longer have these R talks with you while you treat me as an option. I am removing myself from this. Good night.

Good advice...

Path two would be self improvement. Self Esteem. New hobbies. Better shape. Exercise. Join a running club or what ever sport you like. Read , do what ever... GAL ... Get more involved in church. What ever you like to do. Or something you thought about.

Already started down this path, thankfully. Exercising every day, lost a ton of weight and I'm starting to get good muscle definition! Started hanging out with some new friends, going out a little more often, taking the dog on tons of walks, meeting new people as often as I can... Still spend a lot of time alone, but I'm enjoying it more... Writing a ton...

I would work with IC on learning communication skills and solution oriented problem solving. Learn how to not be Mr. fix it. I would read MEN self help books and join some of their forums. Communicate with MEN on issues and resolutions.

IC is, thankfully, extremely action and solution oriented, and is helping to not be Mr. Fix It.

I would look at my relationship with my wife. Its strenghts and faults. Hers and yours.

I would write them out and see which ones you can work on to make you a better man. This is 180's

I would review her complaints about the marriage , you and determine which are just smoke and which are real. Which are her trying to force you to change and which are ones you should work on to improve yourself as a man.

Will do this tonight!

I would make myself more of a mystery with my wife at this time in the marriage. I would stop meeting her EN's and being an option. I would not make myself available for when she calls. For I would be working on my GAL. So if she calls when I am GAL'ing I would not answer. And send a text later.... Was out , could not respond, what's up?

Emails. I would respond after 24 hours. Some that are not important I would not respond to at all.

Great advice!

I would always start every conversation with her name. And every time I had an important point to say. I would start it with her name.

I started doing this a couple weeks ago, and I can't tell you why. I'm glad to hear someone else say it's a good idea!

I would decide if she is worth being with.

I've made that decision, and it's yes. Hence my presence on these boards and the hard work i'm willing to do on myself.

I have offered some good ground work to frame around.

Yes you have, and I am eternally grateful for this! I will be re-reading this post and keep reading other posts, making action plans and sticking to them. I'll keep reaching out to this wonderful community for support, ideas, encouragement, and a good kick in the @ss once in a while!

Thanks again Chatterbug. I'm looking forward to hearing more from you!

And I'm looking forward to being off moderation!