Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Hey Rough,

Thanks for popping by. Post-noodles updates includes me feeling in the dumps as you can read above, and W coming around again today and suggesting a family outing.

When W found out that me and D8 were supposed to go fly her kite at a nearby park but cancelled because she called to say she was dropping by (D8's idea), she suggested we all ride our bikes and go together.

Other than the fact that I felt the way I did and had to make a tremendous effort to act "as if", I suppose things went well enough except for one incident which leaves me wondering.

W had asked me to put her phone in my backpack so she wouldn't need to bring her purse so i did. At the park, while I was running around with D8, trying to get the kite off the ground (not enough wind), I looked in W's direction and noticed that she was reading a book, then I realized what she was reading.

In my backpack I had the only self-help English book I could find at the local book shop (and it turns out it's a useful one too). It's called US, by Lisa Oz and it's about transforming ourselves and the relationships that matter most. I'm only at chapter 2 (there are a lot of exercises to put the advice into practice) and I've underlined loads of stuff so far.

I'm not sure what she found in this or what she made of it, but I got scared, thinking about all the times I've heard "do not let them see what you're reading to improve yourself". By the time I got back to her, the book was away again and she didn't mention anything about it but now I find myself worrying.

I had a look at the stuff I had underlined and it's all good stuff which is rather general about making changes that last.

Now I wonder if this can have a negative impact.

On the way back we stopped for dinner at a food stall and after I took care of the bill she thanked me for dinner. I got down again when D8 and her were playing at kissing one another and my imagination went wild again, I long to be kissed by her so much and then I had to stop myself from actually kissing her. She was laughing, and it looked just like the old times and it's what I would have done then, but now, I can't anymore.

Needless to say, the remainder of the way home was tough. I kept my brave face on but she probably noticed that the mood had switched. Hopefully not. Another time in the evening when I got saddened was when it was time for D8' shower. We usually shower together and then W needed a shower as well before leaving so D8 opted to have a shower with mommy. What is sad is that we used to shower all three of us together in the old days and play in the water and all and then this reminded me that we weren't in the old days anymore.

W left a few hours ago. I wonder if this wasn't too much contact for the last few days. I'm not detached anymore, not that I ever was detached all that much but I think I was getting there. Now, little things affect me. The good times we had yesterday are clouding my judgment. I'm starting to see her as my companion again, but she is not. And that affects me. It also affects D8 who cried more than usually when W left.

Tonight, as I was reading 25yearsMLC's response, I started crying, and D8, who hadn't yet fallen asleep turned around and caught me. She then started crying uncontrollably. I hugged her but she wouldn't stop crying. She started talking about all her friends at school who have "happy families" and asked me when we would too. I told her we had to be strong and that mommy needed some time. I told her we both loved her and that I was trying very hard to become a better person and that one day, we might get our family back.

She just fell asleep again. I feel like hell. It's good that I have my D8 with me otherwise, sometimes I'd just go out to get myself a stiff drink, and perhaps do something stupid. She keeps me in check and focused on what is important.

And how are you doing Rough? Any updates on your sitch since the issue over you scheduled time with your SS?