Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

Kaffe Diem-Interesting push you gave me, my previous C kept trying to advise me to "share your anger", "tell your H how angry you are at him"...I didn't, thank goodness. Wouldn't have been productive. This process felt productive, difficult and a bit humbling, but productive. Thank you.

1) I fear embarrassment of failure
2) I fear rejection and being discarded
3) I fear his reasons behind the anger
4) I fear my H isn't emotionally invested in our family
5) I fear my H is content
6) I fear that by missing him I am condoning behaviors that hurt me

It seems I am full of fear...My H has been such a primary support person and sounding board for 24 years, it is a terrifying realization to be on my own and have it be him that is the one that I am struggling with. I fear the loss of comfort, even though the comfort was not the happy M we had up until a few years ago. I fear the loss of connection. Being vulnerable is uncomfortable for me, and having to process what my fears are in relation to my anger makes me want to run and hide. But I didn't.

[~ kd ~]

Yes, we are all full of fear. and, when we conquer one fear, we find another takes it's place or pops up having been underneath the surface of the prior.

The layers of fear which we ultimately rationalize in order to allow the fear to be normalized in us can be very limiting for people.

If you knew you were not a failure, that you would not be discarded, that you would not be "victimized", that you had a stable family...

What could you do? How much freedom would you have to do more, be better, feel as though you were truly contributing to something greater than yourself?

This is rhetorical: How long do you want to keep living in fear?

This is not: How could you conquer the fears you've listed?

[dj21]

I don't even know where to begin. Fear is so difficult for me to get my head around, I wish I could just drain some of the crap that floats around up there. I don't have a beginners mind. I need to focus on clearing some garbage out. I am laughing at myself, literally as I type, if my body is made up of mostly water, than my brain is made up of mostly fear. Did that even make sense? Probably not very funny, but really to me it is a bit comical. If I knew I wasn't a failure, or I wouldn't be discarded, and so on, I would feel so free, light and relaxed. hhmmmmm, that would be a nice place to be, I hope tickets go on sale soon.:) I don't think I have ever thought about fear do deeply as I did today.

[dj21]

It is a great morning...I have been reading "How to improve your marriage without talking about it" and it is interesting. I continue to stumble into each day thinking I have all the answers and I have the magic plan of how things "should" be. Uhhh, not a chance. While this journey is painful, frustrating, and uncomfortable I am finding AH HA moments. I know my actions aren't genuine yet, because they are still so uncomfortable to do, but I do them anyway. I hate to admit that I believe I am thankful that my H and I are separated. I have a lot to work on, and not having the daily face to face just might be a gift. I would love to have everything turned around quickly, H to recognize my change in actions over the last month, and the lack of contact. But, do I really? No. Because I know, that I wouldn't be able to maintain my changes, and I cannot contribute to a happy healthy marriage. Today I will be positive, I will not be fearful, I will not be angry. I will be okay.

[bustingout]

Here's to a good day dj21!

[~ kd ~]

Those were a great couple of posts, dj.

I'm sure you are aware that some people "walk on fire".

Now, from where I sit, I don't see the value or need for me to actually be able to walk on water, so that's a fear that does not constrain me.

Although... the purpose of doing so is more about transformation in oneself... learning tools about how to conquer fears...

Now, I'm not saying walk on fire... just take a moment to consider that, though... how do people "fire walk"? Well, first, it's generally not a fire, it's hot coals. Second, people prep their feet and the prep their mind, in order to walk on coals. And they also have some form of safety net, in the event that the walk goes bad.

So it's not perhaps so much to be able to walk on fire, as it is about realizing that conquering fear (or flying to the moon) is figuring out how to do it. And then doing it. Sometimes, that just means duplicating what someone else has done in order to achieve the same goal.

Like walking 1000 miles... conquering fear begins with taking a step...

And know that sometimes, when we point out our fears to ourselves, they don't seem so difficult, or even important, once we really look at them.

So start with item 1 you listed above:
1) I fear embarrassment of failure

First... really take a look at this. Yes, you wrote it and I believe you were honest and do fear embarrassment of failure. I think this is fairly common with people.

Dig a little deeper with this one. Embarrassment of failure is something more than just failing. It's being embarrassed about it. IOW, it's often more about shame.

What about shame are you afraid of? Where does shame come from? In your words and thoughts?

[~ kd ~]

erm... that was a little weird, me talking about walking on fire and then saying I didn't feel a need to walk on water... lol...

I meant of course, that I don't feel a need to walk on fire, so that fear doesn't constrain me.

[labug]

Hi dj, just wanted to say I think you're doing great for where you are in your DB journey. The emotional rollercoaster eventually evens out a bit. Keep working on yourself. Don't focus on what he is or isn't doing, you couldn't change it even if you could understand it.

About the fear and other strong emotions you are having. They will not consume us, they will not kill us. It is the fear of facing them that often gives them so much power. My advice is not to fight them but to invite them in, sit with them, ride them out, see where they take you. Once you are over the uncertainty of what might happen, it becomes much easier to experience emotions without being controlled by them.

Meditation is great for this.

KD is also giving you some interesting thought exercises.

Keep posting.

[dj21]

Thanks Kaffe Diem- The brain work is refreshing, challenging and pushing the garbage out of my brain..thank you.

labug- Thanks so much for your words, perfect day for them.

Today...bit my hiney...I knew I had to pull myself together today for a challenge. Today was my grandsons birthday, a great day to celebrate, warm and beautiful. But my mind took over. I thought of my H so many times, constant thoughts of fear consumed me. Will he be there?, will he bring the OW?, Look my best, act my best EXHAUSTING. I kept telling myself, I will make it no matter what happens today. Actions, Actions, Actions...Be the person he fell in love with. It is my grandsons day and nothing else matters. I still bought a new shirt and made sure I looked amazing. Yuck, thank goodness I am not transparent. This would most likely be where detaching would have been my greatest asset. Well, he didn't show. Apparently he and the OW left town for a wedding, and that fact shouldn't matter either. I know. But, it did. Grrrr. and our D18 was driving the OW car, ahhhhh, I know, it shouldn't matter. It is in my face everyday..."mommy, OW stirs her juice this way", "mommy, when OW and daddy bla bla bla..." it is just hard somedays to pleasantly smile, while our children talk about their daddy and OW....Just venting tonight! I know I am afraid of detaching, not that I know what it really means today, but I am afraid of it. I think it will bring me some relief, but then I am afraid that I might not feel so connected to my H. Tomorrow is a new day, and I am going to face a fear. Head on. Eye contact, and I really don't care if I pee my pants a bit out of fear, I will complete it. It is what I want to do, for me, about me, all for me.

[labug]

Detaching is hard and a lot of it has to do with time. Keep up the positive self-talk, you'll get through this.