is this the end....trying not to give up

[tonibertha]

Thot i'd journal a bit...

So my mum has been here almost two weeks. Its funny, i remember how much i looked forward to her visit as i'd have loads of opportunity to GAL, but i've not been doing much of that..

Went to see 'Think like a man on Monday evening by myself'. Loved it so much i ordered the book. It doesn't seem like it would be relevant to the current sitch, but I guess, if i started dating again...

Which I think i would do, if I met the right person. Cos i've been working on letting go of H and our marriage, and i think i'm starting to make some progress with that, especially since we have no contact these days. Looking back on the marriage, I have two regrets:

- That i didn't start posting here early enough (while we still lived together). If i had, maybe my marriage would have been saved.

- That i stayed so long, even as he continued to ignore my boundaries (the main one being his not coming home at night)

I have almost succeeded in forgiving myself for everything else (being controlling as he called me, lashing out at him verbally, calling his mum to complain in hope that she would speak some sense into him, not being fully 'there' when i was pregnant due to the fact that i was so sick, etc). I am working on letting go of H and forgiving him now, but I am finding that really difficult.


ATM, my mum is not talking to me. We had an incident a couple of nights ago where i got really angry at her and called her 'wicked'. She's been ignoring me since then, only responding to my greetings. She called my sis to complain yesterday, and my sis called and spoke to me (i was still quite angry). So when i got home yesterday, i apologised and she ignored me. Reminds me how she used to give my dad the silent treatment, which HE couldn't handle. Since i've apologised, i feel at peace with the situation. If she chooses not to talk to me, that's fine with me. i had enough practice with H. At least i don't have to listen to her complaining about H's behaviour and putting him down. That's all we ever tak about, so the silence is welcome...