In home separation? Off / On? Still WAW? Dunno

[chatterbug]

But it goes both ways.

There is

"you do not do anything around the house"

and you work 50 hours a week and then do the lawn and gardens for 10 hours , put kids to bed and your wife is a SAHM.

There you call her out on it.

vs.

you both work and you come home and wife does all the house work and takes care of the kids.

There you are called out on it and you better lead on correcting that. Either by getting a maid or doing the work.

vs.

your a SAHH and she is working 50 hours a week and coming home and doing the housework and dealing with the kids.

There she better call you out on it and you better make it your full time job until you get back to work.


There is legitimate complaints vs non-legitimate complaints.

What we as men need to learn is to communicate to both of them.

To be able to realize when we are doing the same.


But first things first.

Gaining your voice.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks for the reminder about genuine complaints, I'm th SAHH right now and yep I pretty much do everything.

This will have to change anyway regardless in Sept and stuff will have to done 50 / 50 on the house.

Thanks Bill

[breakdownbill]

Journal Entry

Had a long and on the whole fun weekend just gone.

My brother-in-law was getting a Civil Partnership with his boyfriend and good friend of mine on Saturday in London, so it was a family affair.

We went down on the Friday and didn't come back until the Monday so it was 4 days together with my W and kids.

The ceremony was really nice (Bollywood Theme) & it took place in a beautiful hotel in which we stayed at on the Saturday night.

Most of the ladies had saree's on and me and a few of the men were sporting Sherwani's, which are so comfortable, at times I thought I was in pyjamas

What really struck me was how happy and close my brother-in-law and his partner are. They have been together just over 6 years and have been living together for 5 of them.

They both can't do enough for each other, they are physically close - like you know they are a couple when you see them together and respect each other for who they are faults and all.

It made me kind of sad, because I can remember what that is like with my W and when I compare it to where we are now it upsets me, because we both neglected and threw away what we had.

My W never wore her rings for the weekend and it was noticed by my brother-in-law's partner when talking about his wedding ring asked to see my W's and her BIL just said she's not wearing them & she just ignored the situation.

This all happened in front of me & our children and I felt embarrassed and was worried incase the children got upset, but I never passed any comment & let it go, quickly changing the subject to their honeymoon.

Since I've been back, my Dad's not been well & I spent a few hours round at my Mum and Dad's place looking after him & took him shopping.

My dad's getting better, he's recovering from this infection between his ears, apparrantley when these little hairs get damaged inside it affects your balance and hearing. He'd been collapsing and throwing up a lot, but now his meds are kicking in & he's getting back to his old self.

My dad was asking about how things were going with me and my W as he knows most of what's been happening and I was telling him that things are no better, that I was looking into D.

He was a bit sad when I told him this, but said to me that whatever happens, things will be OK.

I said that I just want to make the time I spend with the kids good & I've got my teaching to focus on.

I said things are on hold really right now, until some changes happen I won't be moving towards R or D, explaining that money was the biggest obstacle going down the D route right now, which may or may not be a blessing in disguise.

I'm going to focus my energy on GAL, DIY, fitness and spending time with the kids.

I'm also going to make a bigger effort in my interactions with my W than I have been, the past few weeks I've not wanted to be a good listener, friend or sometimes even there.

I can make this effort again without conditions or expectations, because I want to just be who I am and do what makes me happy again. I'm no longer worried about an outcome and like being me again.

Bill

[breakdownbill]

Been putting my goals into action already today and I feel a lot better.

When my wife was at work today, I kept my messages light hearted and showed some humility joking about my haircut looking like forest gump. We both had a much needed good laugh about it.

I've been busy with the kids whilst doing plenty of laundry and cleaning and cooked a nice meal.

Been out for a run this evening in the rain and made plans to meet up with a few of my friends for a couple of drinks tomorrow night.

All in all a good day, feeling much more like my old self.

I just need to remind myself I don't have to be down, a jerk or bitter.

I can be positive, a gentleman, a friend and a great co-parent.

Bill

[chatterbug]

clap clap clap.

Sounding strong Bill.

[breakdownbill]

Thanks Cutter

Going out last night was good, only had about 4 drinks which is pretty respectable, it was nice to not get wasted and just enjoy some good company.

Quite a few of my friends who I haven't seen in nearly a year came out which was cool, but they were all asking about my W saying I haven't seen her for 2 years, which I glossed over and just said she was great.

My bf who I told what was going on a couple of weeks ago, asked me how things were at home and is very supportive.

He was in a long term relationship and his gf cheated on him and within 2 weeks of finding out she'd married this other guy and was pregnant.

So he's very, once a cheater always a cheater, you're better off without them attitude towards my M now.

I still haven't changed my view on what it would take from my W to work on our R - and we are still no closer to that, and I can't afford to file for D and I honestly don't know if I can go through with it (emotionally, physically and financially) when I do start my course next month.

I suppose they are all excuses and there's never a good time to do anything life changing, but life will still go on and these changes will still have to happen sooner or later.

right need to clear my head and cheer up, we are dog sitting my MIL's dog so I'm gonna take the kids the park to walk her and have some fun.

Bill

[chatterbug]

Actually the course and emotions are not an excuse. They are a very valid point. It is far more important to know what load you can carry. The schooling is extremely important.

This is not placing yourself in limbo. This is getting on with your life. If she files then you will have to deal with it.

But again. Its on your own time.

See. Keep this rope dropped and move on.

As DB says.

Do what works.

And this path will work for you.

It sets up the second part of your life.

[breakdownbill]

Actually the course and emotions are not an excuse. They are a very valid point. It is far more important to know what load you can carry. The schooling is extremely important.

This is not placing yourself in limbo. This is getting on with your life. If she files then you will have to deal with it.

Wow I needed to hear that, because that just validates exactly how I've been feeling these last couple of weeks.

Just because I'm not actively trying to save my M because of the sitch & generic WAW attitude, doesn't mean I have to be in a hurry to try & end my M, which could potentially jeopardise my future career.

I get it!! Thanks for putting it in your own words and explaining it better to me

I'm slowly getting my confidence and self esteem back now, which has everything to do with being able to completely detach, and as you phrase it 'let go of the rope' that kept on pulling me back in with unrealistic expectations and for my emotions to be hit out the park.

The best advice is always the hardest to take, when people say, 'you have to let them go', I get what that means to me now.

When you let go, you find yourself again, you grow as a person and become stronger.

You find your core, work out what's important in your life and you work on it and nurture it.

That's when you start enjoying YOUR life again, that's when you become good company again, that's when you become more attractive and that's when YOU'RE ready to move on with YOUR life.

This is the goal, this is my goal.

[breakdownbill]

It was W's birthday yesterday and I 'd made an effort making sure that we had cards and gifts sorted out in advance.

My kids wrote their own cards and inside each one was a gift voucher for 2 hot drinks and 2 cakes at a new coffee shop.

I said to my w that it would be cool for my kids to take you out for coffee seperately on different days like a fun date.

My W said , 'we could all go together' and I replied, 'nah, you should go seperately with the kids and let them feel like they are treating you'.

That's the first time in months that my w has suggested that we do something together (even as a family) that didn't involve other people.

I rejected the offer because it was not my intention for us all to go together and because I had so much fun taking D8 there on my own, I wanted my W to have fun with the kids 1 on 1.

I think maybe even just 6 weeks ago, I would have got 2 vouchers for that place with the hope that my w would invite me along.

It's good when an action just happens, so that you can reflect and see where you are at.

The rest of the day I made a big effort because my w's mum and dad are away on holiday and I knew she would miss them.

I made pancakes for breakfast and a huge roast for dinner.

I feel good about yesterday, knowing that I put the effort in for w's birthday without any expectations and for the kids to enjoy the day with their mum.

I need to get back on track with my running - setting myself a goal of 3 5k runs and a long bike ride this week.

I've got a month to get physically ready for this teaching course - need some of Adinva's will power and goal power

[YankeeCandle]

To be fair I threw myself into Uni and could have made more time to spend with my wife. But her way of dealing with it was complaining about everything and pushing me further away - and we just drifted.

I would say things like, 'i know it's crap at the moment with all this studying but it'll be worth it for us'.

I guess my wifes way was a textbook cheeseless tunnel approach which she exhausted herself with.

If my wife had used an approach like you suggested, I'd like to think I would have recognised how important it was to work on my marraige. I'll never know, because that's in the past.

What do you mean when you say you 'threw yourself into Uni"? Did you regularly communicate with her (which reinforces a sense of security for women)?

I remember when my H when he was first starting out in his job (years ago), he was so wrapped up in work I barely saw him, and we barely talked. It was a few years of this - possibly 2-3 years. He then started changing and I had a real sense of insecurity with all the sudden changes he was going through - and not being communicated with was pretty detrimental to our R. This is when I began the complaining.

Contrast this with my parents. My dad works 15 hours a day - nearly every day, and has done so for as long as I've been alive. But, he has always called my mother throughout the day - to this day! Sometimes up to 3 times a day just to touch base, say hi, say nothing at all at times. Now, my dad is not a great talker. When I talk to him, it's 5 minutes and that's all he needs sometimes to feel connected himself. But to him that's important, and he implements that in his family. My parents keep their connection (through communication) despite the fact that they live sometimes in separate countries.

So, how far gone were you when you were at Uni? And, since Uni is 3 years, how much of the 3 years were you like that?

Anyway...this is the classic pattern in soooo many relationships - mine included. I was communicating (I realise now), in a manner that did not enable him to hear me. It got his defenses up so quickly he never heard a word I said, and decided to also carry on down the cheeseless tunnels himself. Unbeknownst to me, I was reinforcing the very patterns I was wanting to break - but then so was he. But, a lot of people do this. Like, a LOT!

It's not just your wife Bill. I mean, how long was she complaining for, or hinting at things needing to change? Going to an OM is the last resort for feeling validated (unless your W is a serial cheater, in which case you definitely need to get out fast because those people need help you just will never be able to give and really has nothing to do with you anyway).

Bottom line, she clearly is not willing to commit herself back to the R fully, and I suppose I'm trying to understand why that is.

Is she simply too comfortable with the status quo? Is this OM validating her still? I get the lame excuses (and they are lame excuses), but why is she continuing to use them as justifications for not recommitting to the R? Has she always been a 'people-pleaser', more concerned with reputation than anything else?

Short of not knowing what the answer to these questions are, I do believe your best bet is to withdraw your emotions - and if that means leaving, then so be it.

I'm just concerned that you might leave with a ton of resentment that in the end will not do you any good, and will not have gotten to the bottom of the pattern that needs changing (in this R or in your possible future R's).

Congratulations on the B-Day celebrations. But, again, my question here is are you perhaps giving mixed messages?