I think we failed because I was not there, truly emotionally there and communicativly. I always brush my feelings aside and let them "dissolve" its almost always been my thing. She would get mad at me because I dont get mad at her and its not that I didnt get mad at her it was that I never felt like I needed to vocalize when I was mad at her. I would say nothing or say "its okay" and let it go instead of confronting the situation.
In the beginning the sex was insane, I am an experienced lover and it was earth shattering. We also waited a few months to have sex for the first time, we got to know each other first. We then started to spend TONS of time together. She was the first woman I have ever said "I love you" to.
And then it was like a light bulb one day after we moved in together. She thought I was smothering her, she felt suffocated and felt that I pushed too much for sex and intimacy. I told her I would give her space and go out and do things on my own. Things improved for a while. Then she got mad at me one day because she said I was never the one to be aggressive about our sex life that she wanted me to initiate more. I thought I had been giving her the space she needed and was just waiting for her to show me signs of desire. Once again things got better for a little while we started looking for a house together, I proposed to her, we bought a house but all through that the sex life never got back to what it was after the "suffocated" incident.
When we got married she wanted an outside wedding, I agreed but I also wanted a catholic wedding, she sorta questioned it for a little but then said we could double knot. At the time I wanted a catholic marriage because of a pull towards the church still. I dont know whether it was my parents upbringing (SUPER strong Catholic) or why I felt this way but I will tell you that doing that second "catholic" wedding has been a source of many arguments. She thinks I did it for my parents and I never thought of it that way.
In our home owner years we had very few arguments, we should have had more. Constructive arguments putting my feelings out there. letting her know how I was feeling, whether it was neglected, pressured, or mad. I never initiated these conversations. When we did argue she would start it and I would try and throw the "Well I dont know why your so mad about it, you did the same thing 4 months ago to me". Thats when things started to fall apart at home. She gave me my first ILYBINILWY.. I was crushed but asked her is she wanted to rekindle, she said of course.
We bought the sex starved marriage, went to Therapy, sometimes together and sometimes just her, and I never felt challenged at therapy, never felt like she got to the root of our problems. But we were doing better so why should I question it??
Only we weren't doing better, it was masked but getting worse and worse and worse, until this past weekend where the 2nd ILYBINILWY came out, this time without a "I want that fire back" and a "I dont know if we can get that fire back" coupled with other comments like "I dont want to end up like my parents" and "I want you to have the relationship you deserve"
To sum up why I think my faults were and are;
Non confrontational when I needed to be
Brought up past issues when I never told her about them in the first place. Used said issues as canon fodder.
I am extremely needy, I NEED to hear "I love you" from her, I need to feel her touch, I need her to initiate the good night kiss sometimes. I need her to tell me she misses me when I am away even though that is rare. Wow am I needy... That cannot be an attractive feature..
I am lazy, I have not fixed any of my issues (that If I just looked I could see were there) unless SHE brought them up to me upset...
I never encouraged betterment of ourselves when we put on a LOT of comfort weight together, she had to get our asses in gear.
Wow, I can see why she wouldn't want to be with ME...
Damn... a Little lost now... A little stressed about tomorrow too..
I desperately want to show her that card she wrote me and tell her that I want to fall in love with her again too and that this all could have been avoided by me stepping up to the plate..
Ugggghhhh...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Also I am not sure if this would play a part in it or not, but we sold our house to minimalize our lives and move closer to work plus she and I up until recently had been trying to get pregnant since we were married with no success tests and all we were clean bill of health but nada...
She decided to use this as potential signs that we are not meant to be together... Just remembered that part..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Should I recommend my wife read DB or DR or listen to KLA after I do? Should we try to read or listen it together? She is very open to ideas at this point (I.E. seeing a marriage friendly MC) so I do not want to squander any chances...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
No! Don't let her read DB or DR especially since you're trying to apply those principles on her. Instead, I would suggest you have her read the 5 LL and His Needs/Her Needs. Also Project Happily Ever After is a good read for her.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
KLA?...maybe but only if she TRULY is interested in working on your marriage. And there is usually a difference between actions and words...saying she is interested...doesn't mean she is.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Ditto Bond and Jack for sure. Do NOT let her have access to your playbook. After 19 months of this, and even though things are going well, I still won't let my W see those books or this website.
I agree with Bond also that the 5LL's is a great book to suggest.
Good luck! Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Okay so no on th play book and the website. Got it! Now 2 things,
1 I know she is interested in salvaging our marriage because she is the one who set up the appointment with the MC I researched.
2 she is soooooooooooo emotional and scared of the possibility of the big D.
I am hopeful about this pro marriage counseling session tomorrow. Her outlook at most relationships being fixed by working on our strengths and not dwelling on the past is refreshing.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
