Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

I think you're making a HUGE mistake if you try to reconcile with your wife without a mutually-agreed-upon (or at least mutually-UNDERSTOOD) transparency plan in place.

The recidivism rates for infidelity are high enough when people put the right things in place: MCing with someone specifically trained in infidelity; strict no-contact agreement; full transparency; etc.

WITHOUT those things? I'd put the recidivism rate way northward of 90%.

You're playing with fire. Giving kerosene and matchsticks to a not-yet-reformed pyromaniac. Your reconciliation can survive your wife's anger over having to do transparency; it can't survive her repeat infidelity. Bite the bullet and endure her anger now, at the front end, and give your marriage the BEST chance to heal and reconcile.


Starsky

We have the strict no contact policy in place. Transparency in the sense that we agree that neither of us should hide anything from one another. No MC though. W is in individual counseling at the moment and does not want to do MC. We had a bad experience prior to our S. W strongly believes that it could actually be detrimental to our recon because, in her words, it always ends up being a finger pointing session drudging up old complaints. The bottom line on the infidelity things is this:

She does not believe that it was infidelity. From her perspective, she is 100% faithful to the person whom she is committed to and always has been. She left me and made the decision that she was no longer committed to me. So, she dated. She moved out of her home before she made the decision to do this. It was not an affair. NOW... she has committed to me again. Thus, there is no chance that she will violate that commitment.

^^ That is how she views this.

Obviously, I see things a bit differently. But, as we've discussed before, it is useless to try to get her to see it my way.

My choice is to trust her and make her feel that I've forgiven her for what I perceive as a wrong. Or, make her feel that I am controlling and watching over every move that she makes... Something that she, nor I for that matter, would care for all that much.

She is very clear that she wants us to wipe the slate clean from both sides and start from now.

I do agree with that for the most part, but, like I've told her, I don't trust her 100%. I want to and I'm trying, but I simply don't... not yet. I've explained this to her and she says that she understands that. It's going to take some time.

She has a singing gig in Northern California next week. There will be men there from her band. Not OM. She had him kicked off of the gig. This was confirmed when the boss of her company pointed out to me the other day that I was paying for the expense of the replacement. He was very angry and pointed at me as he was talking angrily with W. I was just sitting in the car minding my own business. I had to jokingly tell W to tell her boss that he may lose a finger next time he points at me or says anything to me over this issue. But anyway, it was confirmed that OM was taken off of that gig.

Anyhow, the point I was going to make is this. W told me that she knows that I'm probably not real comfortable with her going on this trip and asked me if I wanted to go just so that I would feel better. I declined and told her that I trust her.

I get what you are saying Starsky. But I can't live my life being paranoid about everything my W is doing. I simply can't live like that for me. It makes me unhappy. IF my W ever gives me a reason to lose trust in her again, I am done with my M to her. If she ever has contact with OM again (that can be attributed to her actions Jack), I am done wtih my M to her. I've been very clear with her on both of these points.

I'm doing my best to put the past behind me, love my W, treat her with kindness and respect, and be happy.

I think that the rest will take care of itself...

I hope