TIME for a change

[Denver_2010]

Thanks Denver, Jack3Beans, and 25 I am taking all of your sentiments to heart. I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt I am truly done, if she started begging me back tomorrow I would be in no way interested. I am working on letting it all go and forgiveness, and working on my reactions and not being angry going forward.

Denver you are right my last bout of anger was driven by hurt. I am working on my reactions to being hurt, but I don't think there's a lot that she can hurt me with going forward. I am done. I have learned a tremendous amount from this and it certainly has forced me to become a better and stronger man. I am happy this is practically over, am happy and looking forward to the future.

Jack3 you're right, very printable and I have it posted! :-)

25, thanks as always for your deep diving insight.

I did let her statements and my reaction to them send me down a bad path. Those days are over because I truly don't care anymore. I am going to be much better off without her in her my life. When I have been looking back I have been viewing through rose colored glasses. There were multiple times when I would be cutting the grass or doing other things where I would be thinking to myself "why am I here". The R/Marriage ostracized me from my friends and things I liked to do, and funneled my every energy and dollar into her and my SK's. The fact that I have reached a finish line in this R is going to help my reactions going forward. I am really an even keel easy to get along with person 25, the finding out about the affair is what started everything down ridiculous street.

As far as forgiveness is concerned, I am working on that daily. She has significant problems in her life. I knew about these prior to deciding to marry her. Her Mom got married for the 8th time last Saturday. She has 3 children by two different men (two out of wedlock)and was previously divorced. She was bankrupt when I met her and I started "saving" her financially more or less immediately. All of these are huge red flags. Despite all logic I let my heart and groin override my brain and I made the decision to marry into this situation, despite the concerns of everyone close to me. The only decision I can regret any more is my acting on my first wife's "toungue in cheek" statement. I am letting go from this day forward. It is clear I am not going to be allowed a R with my SK's, I wish them all the best in the world and started them down the road toward their college educations should they choose to do that. That is unless she closes the accounts and pockets the money which wouldn't surprise me. I wish the best for my stepkids but can't say I'm concerned with what happens to her, life and karma will have significant lessons for her I think.

I got angry because I was hurt. Based on the exchanges over the past few days I am over it. I will elaborate on this exchanges in my new thread. I am reviewing workshops and continue to see my IC, my R and marriage to this woman and the associated issues therein are what threw me so far off center. With her and her associated behavior out of my life for good I am well on my way to being just fine.

If I could do it all over again I wouldn't have married her. If I could do it all again and was married to her, I would not do everything under the sun and overextend myself to make her and her kids happy. My "nice guy" tendencies got the best of me. Instead of investing emotional energy into her and the kids I invested financial energy. That eventually fueled resentment and I believe was the catalyst for my verbal abuse. I am looking forward to being a father figure in the future, that is one of the most valuable things I have learned from this experience that I did not know about myself before. Obviously I would not verbally abuse her or abuse alcohol either, both of those vices have been purged from my life.

I am all good now in the face of the behavior and statements she has made to me lately. Things are like water off a ducks back now. I made a horrendous investment and took a significant financial loss. I'm not the first and I'm not the last who will go through this. I am actually coming out quite easy based on stories I have heard from other men. I thank God that we didn't have any kids together and that the separation agreement states no alimony. And I AM GREAT WITH LIFE RIGHT NOW :-)... The fact that I have hit a decision point and am no longer in limbo has lifted my mood significantly. She was keeping things tolerable over the separation period to see what else I would be willing to donate to her, then with a month left she once again shows her true colors. I am greatly looking forward to putting pen to paper on August 27th now.

I didn't want to sign a long term lease because toward the end of last year before I started DB'ng it seemed like it was highly likely we were going to reconcile. After February we weren't communicating enough for her to have any idea as to what I was doing, she was too busy building her relationship with Dr. Love whom now come to find out from her mouth has two Million dollar homes in Raleigh. Does anybody else see what's going on here? lol I have read that letter multiple times but haven't really spoke to it, I will read it again and reply in my new thread. It is obvious that my W has persued the person she chose for further financial gain, there is effectively evidence for this that I may or may not elaborate on in my new thread because I really don't care anymore. He can have her. If he is as a smart of a man as he is a scientist he'd better damn well protect himself, but he won't be getting any pointers from me.

I am concentrating on being the best man that I can be everyday... The fact I have reached the end of the road and hold no more hope and FINALLY allowed my brain to take precedence over my feelings has helped me tremendously, as have ALL OF YOU GUYS WHO I GENUINELY THANK FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

I am putting a lot of thought into why it is I do the things that I do in terms of decision making (will elaborate more in new thread). When I look at this as a flowchart, I am really to blame. Had I stuck to my "what I am looking for in a woman list" and never dated her this would have never happened. Had I not cheated on her while we were dating, none of this would have ever happened. If I would have taken my lumps at that time instead of asking her to marry me none of this would have happened. If I wouldn't have married her none of this would have happened. The list goes on and on. It wouldn't surprise me that everything after my infidelity while we dated that she did, was done out of spite. The way that I see her mind works she probably felt entitled to the decisions she made. Just looking back doesn't matter now, what's done is done. Going forward I am NOT GOING TO SETTLE ANYMORE. I settled for my 1st W, I settled for my 2nd W. I will not settle again, I will live and die alone before I settle again. I am not going to settle for anything in my life anymore.

I have changed 25, in a conversation I had with her on Friday W says she's known I've changed and will make a great H for another woman, but that she isn't willing to risk that on the basis of what she has with her affair partner. That's the Doctor with two million dollar homes and an adopted daughter from apparently an abusive home. He is probably honestly perfect for her. Enough money to throw around not to get stressed about supporting three kids since their deadbeat fathers won't do it, and he has the proven experience of parenting and "step to the plate" gumption that is probably exactly what she's looking for. She's been looking for a father figure more than a husband she just never would say that. More power to him, I wish him the best of luck although I have a feeling when he gets a whiff of reality he will be running for the hills as I should have done a couple of years ago.

Regarding the car that was just another stupid decision point blank, for any reason given where we were at the time. I drove the car at work today, and am going to see what I can get for it this evening. For the record IMHO BMW's are pieces of crap if anyone is considering one drive a Lexus first, there is no comparison...

Based on the ill-advised manner that I tried to "protect/save" my marriage I did put myself in that position. That decision cost me well over 40k. I've gleaned for it that marriage isn't any more valuable than the paper it's printed on. It's a social contract that will %*#& any man associated with it despite his W behavior if you live in my state. I've learned that just because you marry somebody it does not mean that they will honor their commitments. I have been on both sides of this although my 1st W told me via her own mouth to find another woman. I did this in spite and regret behaving that way to this day. It will take an EXTREMELY special woman who meets a stringent list of criteria for me to consider getting married again. As I've said my mentality has changed in that I would like to be a father in the future, so given the above I still hope to find a compatible woman to marry one day.

I have made many mistakes 25, I have voiced them and atoned in the best way I could for them all. Those actions didn't matter or have any effect. I will never be unfaithful to any woman I am emotionally invested in again. I will never say another pointed word to a woman I care about again. I will try not put myself in a position of stress that will cause me to harbor resentment to someone I love. I will not use my socioeconomic status to draw women or to "woo" them in the future. I will not settle. I'm not sure what else you want me to say. I've made many mistakes, I know I'll make many more, but I won't be making the ones that put me in this position again.

You are right 25, I am really getting off easy here. 40k one time hit and whatever I may or may not lose on the house. No alimony and no kids involved. It's BS but it's really a bump in the road and ripping off a band aid. I honestly feel quite stupid about being such a tool about this for the past year. If I could go back and do it again I should have told her congratulations on your new man, please get out of my house, I am divorcing you, and severed all ties with her the day I found out about the affair. That would have avoided all of the emotional turmoil and legal nonsense I have endured. This would have also led to our splitting the marital debt and minimized my financial hit.

My working on acceptance and forgiveness are my upmost priority. I can see it is going to take time and practice, and I realize it has nothing to do with her. I made my bed, I've laid in it, but I'm getting up now.

I have certainly exhibited anger problems during this sitch. I will say it is much easier to get "angry" on an internet message board than it is to blow up in real life. I was obviously angry when I had pent up resentment and verbally abused my wife. I was obviously angry and for good reason when I found out about my W affair while she was setting me up financially. Everyone who knows me personally will attest to my calm and pleasant demeanor, I should have handled the finding out about my W affair. "Wow that's kind of messed up, I hope he makes you happy. Please be out of my house by end of day tomorrow and prepare yourself to take on half of the marital debt. I wish you and the kids the best of luck and happiness in the future, please leave the house and car keys under the mat." Hindsight is certainly 20/20. The only way I harmed anyone was by running my mouth. I had custody of two of my three stepkids the day I found out about the affair and the night before she filed for a restraining order because my actions made the OM dump her at the time. The only thing she ever had to fear that her gravy train was leaving town, and it is long gone now. Perhaps the OM will propose to her and they live happily ever after, or perhaps he proposes to her and she runs him into the ground, or perhaps he dumps her tomorrow and she begs for me back. Either way my reaction will be the same, I honestly don't care anymore.

I'm doing me and I am very much looking forward to it. Anybody in the RTP area of NC in the market for a 2008 BMW 328i per chance? That's the current order of business lol

Thanks again to all of you for your feedback and support of this ordeal. I wish I could meet each and every one of you and give you a hug. I'll be starting a new thread to detail the closing interactions and divorce closeout and to keep myself honest. Good luck to all of you in your respective sitch's, whichever way the pendulum swings everyone is going to be just fine!

Sounds like you are getting it Broken. I think that the key for you right now is to keep focusing on your role in all of this. Your decisions, your behavior, etc. From what I read, it is clear that your W is no saint here. But it is not your job to teach her a lesson, punish her, or make her see the light. Life will teach that to her, just as it is doing with you. Focus on that... YOU. That's all that you have control of.

BTW, I agree... Lexus blows BMW out of the water!