I don't know if Calystra is still around...but way back when, she advised us to tell our WA that we forgive them unconditionally. I did the same thing you did in that letter...I apologized for what I saw as my mistakes and I told him I completely forgave him for everything.
Even today, my husband holds a lot of guilt over many things. I sincerely believe that my apology touched his heart...and my forgiveness helped him not be as afraid to come back to me.
As for the dance of contact over long distance...I don't know much about your situation...
So, will just cheat and ask you some questions!
How does he respond to contact from you? Does length of time between contact make a difference in his response?
For my husband, if I called him more than 1 a week, I wouldn't get a favorable response. In the begining of my DBing, I think I had to go 2 weeks between contacts to get a favorable response...but as things improved was able to initiate contact once a week.
BUT!! I do think it's much better for him to contact you. I understand needing to touch base for your own sanity...believe me! But the way I saw it...each time he called me, he knew he was doing it of his own free will...because he WANTED to. And him realizing that he wanted to call me helped him come home.
I am still pondering the letter. Will probably make a few adjustments to it, then send it out.
Quote: How does he respond to contact from you? Does length of time between contact make a difference in his response?
Sometimes it is positive and sometimes not. I don't see a pattern between the frequency. More just his mood and what he has going on.
I did call him yesterday and I know I should not have. I knew my PMA was LOW. I know I can't rely on him to reassure me. He asked why I'm calling him all emotional. I had told him that he was on my mind today and just wanted to let him know. He wasn't upset at all. He did say that he noticed that I am more confident in myself and that helps me be myself and he likes that.
Note to self: Remember to be confident and happy self! Not emotional!
I do not notice that he gets upset if I contact him, but there are times out of the blue he will call me and be upset about this that and the other.
He has also said during one of an "upset" conversation that he notices that we have a good time and then days without hearing from me. He is noticing even though he could pick up the phone and call.... oh yeah that is an expectation.
So I try to just call every two days or so and just say hi, or Happy Wednesday, something like that. I try not to get into a routine, like calling in the afternoons, or around the same time. Sometimes early in the morning , sometimes it is a page. He seems to be receptive, and even initiating some on his own! Two times last week!
Quote: Water ... you have lotsa positive baby steps here, but continue work at keeping your expectations at the zero level for your own sanity, because there will be times where he will pull back ... but don't fret about that. So long as you are his rock, he will keep coming back more and more.
That is my struggle! And thank you for your encouragement! I sure needed it!
Thanks S_G for stopping by as well! Yes, Yes lets get together again....Kitti let us know when you are settled in.
I'm gonna include here some more of what I had written Kitti in an email as I recollected more of how I had gone about apologizing to my W.
Quote: Going back and recollecting when I bared my "soul" to CAW, not only did I apologized in detail, but I equally emphasize how much I wanted to thank her for the role she played my revelations. As embarrassing as it will always be to admit, but I don't believe that my eyes would have opened any other way than her giving me the good a$$-kicking she gave me by dropping the bomb. So while I started by apologizing that I was so thick-skull that she had to take it so far before I see I needed to make some changes, I ended on the note that no matter what becomes of us and as painful a hurt I'd never before experienced, I will always be thankful her to for opening my eyes and for the a$$-kicking that allowed me to change my life.
By expressing your wish in thanking them, its also a way to show them you are on the road of forgiveness - of yourself and of them too. It also provides them with a sense of the real direction you are looking to take in the future. It helps balance dredging up the past in order to apologize on your behalf with a brighter future that you believe will come from all that has happened.
Also consider adding now that you have learned these things about yourself and that from now on your not gonna fall into the same traps, but will look to handle similar senarios in the future differently. Maybe even spell out an example or two, so he can understand better the "new" you. Of course, you will need to back up these words with your actions before he can be convinced, but he will now understand better why you are different. Its important for them to know that you changed not for them or that you want them back ... but because you want to feel better about what you do and how you define yourself.
This is what gets their attention ... that you refuse to return to those "bad" times and by sharing once what it is that will drive you from repeating the cycle helps them understand how it all can be different for good.
Thanks for dropping by my thread. I read through most of your sitch and I find it amazing you are DB'ing from a distance. WOW.
I too am strugling with Valentine's Day. See this also our Aniversary and will be 5 years. You letter is really from the heart and I can understand why you are writing it. Like me you probably feel you S doesn't beleive you are truely sorry. I hope it works for you. I know sometimes my W really likes my letters from the heart, but at times like these it must feel overwhelming to her.
Pray to God to give you direction in this, and remember apologies also need action behind them, the more to focus on not doing "more of the same" he will see your apology through your actions.
God Bless You,
Reuben
Cautiously hopeful and keeping the Momentum
KAW I apprciate your following up and giving more on this touchy subject.
I thought a great deal about this. I don't expect that it will change everything. I just want him to know how I feel. Still no expectations. I did't mention anything about how it will be different in the future or even mentioned getting back together.
I hand wrote out the letter pretty much as is posted here. Went to the stationary store and picked out some nice paper and colored pens.
I mailed it on Sat. I mailed it to his address in CA. I don't know his new address, so I guess I will be forwarded.
I haven't heard from him since last Thurs. He has been at his mom's house in TN. I'm hoping that being there will be a good thing for him. He seemed much more receptive to me after his last visit there at Thanksgiving.
Thanks again for all the support!
KAW- was your W a MLC'er? If so, where was she when you apologized? What stage?
Hi Water, How are you? You sound like you are doing well.
I don't have a whole lot of insight for ya'. Just that it is more important to show our h's that we are sorry rather than just say it. Actions DO speak louder than words!!
He does sound down on himself. And I do understand depression. It sux! It is a constant battle with your own PMA. You sound like you are being "there" for him, which I'm sure deep down he appreciates.
Limbo land is not fun. Hard to hang on, but I do think it is definitely worth it in your case ! keep up the good work. karen
I have bought a house as an investment and in the process of closing escrow my credit report is run. On it there is one of H's credit cards. I am not a signer on any of his accounts any more. So I have to contact the credit card company and they verify that I am not an authorized user.
Well in order to close on the house I need a letter from them stating that I'm not on the account. I asked them to fax it. They tell me that they normally send it to the card holders address. That doesn't do me any good as I needed it right away.
This morning I recieved a copy of the letter that they mailed to the card holders address. It was not H's. Nor was it anyone I knew. I have no idea where OW lives. The address is in another town almost 2 hours away.
I am making MAJOR assumptions. I have no idea. But it sure is not sitting well with me.
My first reaction is to jump on the phone and say WTF. But, I haven't. Nor will I call him. He is on his way back from visiting his family in TN today. He can call me.
I will let him know of the credit thing and that a letter was sent to XX_______, CA. Addressed to me.
I have checked and it is not the MBE or anything like that.
Again just venting and trying to keep thinking of positives.
1 - although unlikely, it is REMOTELY possible that this card is due to some kind of identity theft
2 - whatever the story is, this is something he did a while ago - even though you are finding out about it in the present, it is not part of the present behavior, right?
ASSuming can get you in trouble. Calmly tell H that you got it in the mail and put the ball in his court. It may be nothing but an error on the card company's part, who knows.
