Hopeless optimist...

[Just A Guy]

I think we failed because I was not there, truly emotionally there and communicativly. I always brush my feelings aside and let them "dissolve" its almost always been my thing. She would get mad at me because I dont get mad at her and its not that I didnt get mad at her it was that I never felt like I needed to vocalize when I was mad at her. I would say nothing or say "its okay" and let it go instead of confronting the situation.

In the beginning the sex was insane, I am an experienced lover and it was earth shattering. We also waited a few months to have sex for the first time, we got to know each other first. We then started to spend TONS of time together. She was the first woman I have ever said "I love you" to.

And then it was like a light bulb one day after we moved in together. She thought I was smothering her, she felt suffocated and felt that I pushed too much for sex and intimacy. I told her I would give her space and go out and do things on my own. Things improved for a while. Then she got mad at me one day because she said I was never the one to be aggressive about our sex life that she wanted me to initiate more. I thought I had been giving her the space she needed and was just waiting for her to show me signs of desire. Once again things got better for a little while we started looking for a house together, I proposed to her, we bought a house but all through that the sex life never got back to what it was after the "suffocated" incident.

When we got married she wanted an outside wedding, I agreed but I also wanted a catholic wedding, she sorta questioned it for a little but then said we could double knot. At the time I wanted a catholic marriage because of a pull towards the church still. I dont know whether it was my parents upbringing (SUPER strong Catholic) or why I felt this way but I will tell you that doing that second "catholic" wedding has been a source of many arguments. She thinks I did it for my parents and I never thought of it that way.

In our home owner years we had very few arguments, we should have had more. Constructive arguments putting my feelings out there. letting her know how I was feeling, whether it was neglected, pressured, or mad. I never initiated these conversations. When we did argue she would start it and I would try and throw the "Well I dont know why your so mad about it, you did the same thing 4 months ago to me". Thats when things started to fall apart at home. She gave me my first ILYBINILWY.. I was crushed but asked her is she wanted to rekindle, she said of course.

We bought the sex starved marriage, went to Therapy, sometimes together and sometimes just her, and I never felt challenged at therapy, never felt like she got to the root of our problems. But we were doing better so why should I question it??

Only we weren't doing better, it was masked but getting worse and worse and worse, until this past weekend where the 2nd ILYBINILWY came out, this time without a "I want that fire back" and a "I dont know if we can get that fire back" coupled with other comments like "I dont want to end up like my parents" and "I want you to have the relationship you deserve"


To sum up why I think my faults were and are;

Non confrontational when I needed to be

Brought up past issues when I never told her about them in the first place. Used said issues as canon fodder.

I am extremely needy, I NEED to hear "I love you" from her, I need to feel her touch, I need her to initiate the good night kiss sometimes. I need her to tell me she misses me when I am away even though that is rare. Wow am I needy... That cannot be an attractive feature..

I am lazy, I have not fixed any of my issues (that If I just looked I could see were there) unless SHE brought them up to me upset...

I never encouraged betterment of ourselves when we put on a LOT of comfort weight together, she had to get our asses in gear.

Wow, I can see why she wouldn't want to be with ME...

Damn... a Little lost now... A little stressed about tomorrow too..

I desperately want to show her that card she wrote me and tell her that I want to fall in love with her again too and that this all could have been avoided by me stepping up to the plate..

Ugggghhhh...