Should I initiate R talk?

[25yearsmlc]

BTW, while I'm at it. I also find it interesting that she asked me if i was seeing an good female friend of mine romantically (actually the girl who encouraged me to make my move on W 10 year ago).

I told her no and she told me that it would be ok for me to date. I told her that I had no interest in it and that I didn't need it.

What do you make of that?

Not sure what to make of it. WHEN did she say this? During the prior divorce talk or later on when she came over and apologized? I think that's relevant.

She may realize the inherent one sided nature of her choice and wants to feel fair by saying you are free to date. But I am not sure what the context was.

Also, not to nitpick but when she apologizes listen to her carefully and don't think you are being generous by saying not to worry about it...

it sort of negates her apology. Plus it DID hurt you. Maybe she deserves "credit" or accountability for owning that.

Not sure if I'm being clear enough on that but when someone apologizes I think in our attempt to be non confrontational, we brush it off. Maybe it's better to say "thanks, It means a lot to hear you say that."

Plus you might have learned more about what she was apologizing for.
Was it an apology for the truth hurting you

or a retraction of some or all of it?

Your interactions with d8 are excellent. Maybe there will come a time when you thank your wife for being the catalyst for the changes you are making.

I say that so that she realizes you are growing too, and maybe she'll see you as being on the same team. That also happens with good co-parenting.

And the more she sees you as being on the same "side", the better the chance of growing from there. Love is at least partly a choice.

Love is not just a noun. Love is also an ACTION verb, (requiring action on our part)

and we have to choose to love, on a daily basis. Sometimes our partners' don't behave in a way that feels lovable to us but we have to choose to love them anyhow. I don't mean to say that being a doormat is "unconditional love" b/c if my partner were consistently mistreating me, I'd eventually leave the relationship.

My point is that love isn't just a "feeling" that lands on us or falls off like branches on a tree. Sometimes I think WASs forget that love is a choice.

Keep up the great interactions with your d and be the best dad you can be.

Your d needs you both & right now you are her rock. Where is your w living right now?

What are your job options? Can you move to the more touristy city? I mean it sounds as if your w had some good ideas to help the financial situation.

Do you have any plans on that topic? Being a good provider, sexist as this is, is attractive to women.

A study on marriage--- (I think this was a western study but maybe it was global. I don't know)--

revealed the two traits most important in spouses and showed some interesting findings.

For men, the two traits most important were that they found their wives physically attractive and that they wanted "peace in the home" which was interpreted as meaning no nagging or criticism.

Women said the two most important traits were security, (meaning that they felt safe physically--their h would protect them--and financially--the "shelter" was secure

and fidelity, which is pretty self explanatory.

But that reminds me of the "caveman" theory that my feminist friends only admit to in private.

It's that at some biological level, women can go back to the stone age and find that we want to feel safe in our cave when our hunter mate goes out.

We find ourselves most attracted to the man most likely to bring home the meat...and to know that if a saber tooth tiger tried to enter the cave, the man would fight it off or build something to block dangerous animals from entering. So the "security" factor is mulit-dimensional.

Particularly when there are children, I think it's crucial that a woman feels safe financially and physically. So maybe getting a job that provides some security would help all of you...??

Regardless, when you asked about the legal side of things, knowledge is power. Find out what your rights are as a non citizen, if that's applicable. For instance, I happen to know in Saudi Arabia, the Saudi citizen gets custody regardless of gender...

Find out your legal rights, get some financial security and be the best dad you can be and best man you can be.

Did I read it correctly that you have NOT read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy books? You have to read it (I prefer the second one b/c it's the most recent) so you can really "get" what we are saying. This is a solution based approach to marital problems - which is one reason all the analysis can be counter productive. Same for re=hashing the past...

but if you don't read the book, it looks half hearted to me. The book Is also going to help you change in concrete ways, and that's a big deal.

if your wife believes the changes are real, that you are a crucial loving part of your d's life she won't want to remove, that you are a man only a fool would leave, that you offer security and a safe future, it's hard to believe she won't reconsider her choices...

but as stated elsewhere, don't argue with her about the choices. She'll defend the choices, instead of examining them.

You saw Denver's post and that's a good approach I think. But it requires a lot of patience. Look at his time line (and mine) to understand what we mean by reasonable timelines.

Like I said, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Hang in there.