you are in total overwhelm stage - and i think it's coz of your brain - there is NOTHING going on that can't be waited on.
she is pulling your strings hard - she KNOWS how easily you get overwhelmed and she's pushing you. JUST WALK AWAY, okay.
Understand this:
THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO RIGHT NOW TOWARDS YOUR W THAT WILL MAKE IT BETTER OR WORSE.
SO DO WHAT IS THE ONLY THING THAT CAN GET YOU INTO A GOOD PLACE FOR YOURSELF
by that i don't mean that all is lost. when you detach a bit, you will be able to see that when they are on a rampage, they are running scared and irrational and lashing out.
You are full on on her roller coaster right now, and that's what has you in this state.
GET OFF!!
if you fix her phone or not - it doesn't matter - that little act WILL NOT determine one way or the other whether she leaves, so don't put any importance on it.
Her lawyer?
don't tell HER to give him messages (that's you setting yourself up for negative interactions with her) . TELL HIM DIRECTLY!! if he calls you, say very firmly and quietly: Please contact my lawyer directly and deal with him.
Your wife - leave her alone - act as if she's not there - don't wait for her to take off - YOU TAKE OFF!!
IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE BEING AROUND HER (WHICH YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN'T RIGHT NOW) YOU GO STAY SOMEWHERE FOR A NIGHT.
DO NOT SET YOURSELF UP FOR NEGATIVE INTERACTIONS WITH HER RIGHT NOW.
here's some advice, and focus only on these 2 things for now till you get through this:
1. get yourself to a calm place within your mind. stay focused on the long-term, not the details of the present and get a PMA. what is happening right now is putting you into panic state and you have to get your a$$ OUT OF IT!!!!!
2.make sure as much as you can that every interaction with her is as positive as you can steer it towards.
she won't remember that you fixed her phone later. if you can do the second, she'll remember that it wasn't unpleasant dealing with you. capiche?
if she's ranting, don't take it on yourself - shrug it off and stay pleasant, and then casually leave (even if it's 2 in the morning, or go to bed.) guess what - when they rant like this, they are really scared and they don't really remember it afterwards the way we do
so dear dear mac - don't panic, this is just a passing thing - it won't make or break your sitch - but it could make or break you. stop the cycle within yourself - because you have to save yourself first, not your marriage
(((((( )))))))
btw - that's not shouting up there in upper-case - that's just "emphasizing"!!!
you can do this, you know - this time around, as serenity says - DO IT DIFFERENTLY
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Ah zig - you're another star in my nights sky. Thank you.
Overwhelmed is spot on. After that letter from my W's L this morning I was truly wrecked. I nearly packed in what I was doing to come home. It was only after speaking to my best friend that she persuaded me to keep my mind off things and go to my next job appointment. And I managed reasonably well.
At last I managed to get hold of my L's assistant who's going into his office and sit on him if required to get a holding letter sent off to my W's L. THAT'S what I've been waiting for someone to do. Even though I was dreading it and putting it off.
If she was mad this morning then I can just imagine the state SHE's going to be in when she finds out that I did something else she wasn't expecting.
Feeling so much like my W's puppet right now. Which is wearing off rapidly. It's no fun! What's also not fun is that you're right - she knows it!
It's the W's roller coaster I'm on which has to stop. And the detaching is something I'd really REALLY like to continue. Every time I manage for a while, I feel great and then the next bang where I fall.
You're right - fix the phone and sort out a new email. Perhaps she WILL realise I'm not that bad to deal with. Perhaps not but I'm not letting that affect me (on the outside).
Let the L's handle the behind the scenes crud. So long as I don't have to put up with all that pressure! It's been truly unbearable as I'm sure some of you know. Moral - don't try and do this yourself people. Get a professional!
You're also right about acting if she wasn't here. Thats the closest I can get while she's under the same roof looking miserable. I've got lots do do around the house which she's avoiding doing. Like cooking, washing and making the beds after a full day at work! I'll manage. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
I'm hoping she'll go to her old home town down the coast this weekend to see more family. More family who will not support her in this but will listen if she has anything to say. She's totally on her own in this.
Zig - ranting is a good sign from her. I can see the old W buried away behind that anger. Walking away will surprise the heck out of her as she'll be expecting me to join in the fray. Not going to happen.
I can see what you mean about people ranting. After all it's not something she can call the L and say "he's not helping me do this - stop him". Running scared? Hope so.
I saw an entry on another post - can't remember who's or exactly how it goes but the gist is I'm going to be like the Terminator. Keep going and going until I reach my goal irrespective of what gets thrown in my way.
And zig - a passing thing? One that may last 3 months? Well as I've said, I've done it once and it DID get better, I got better.
Oh and my L has just been on the phone to me. He's asked for a meeting between W's attorneys, W and I at his offices to discuss.
i didn't mean fix her phone and email. I meant stay pleasant calm detached and walk away.
you don't have to fix her phone - just tell her pleasantly that you are sorry that her phone died but you are sure that if she contacts the phone company that they can help her right away to get it working again.
the same with the email.
not with anger or resentment, but just as you would to a friend - a distant friend!
If she was mad this morning then I can just imagine the state SHE's going to be in when she finds out that I did something else she wasn't expecting.
sh!t mac - this is the kind of stuff that is keeping you in a f'ing bad place!!
it's like you are trying to one-up her every chance you get? is that what one does to someone they supposedly love? are you just in this to "win" to "show" her?
quite thinking like this - and NO you can't imagine how she is going to feel if this or if that!!
you are only supposed to focus on how you feel and act. detaching is about taking the focus OFF HER!!
I've got lots do do around the house which she's avoiding doing. Like cooking, washing and making the beds after a full day at work! I'll manage. I've done it before and I'll do it again.
and will you PLEASE lose the martyr attitude - it's very unattractive to her, and self-impeding to you. it keeps you in a depressed state, unable to make choices that are beneficial to your own PMA
I'm hoping she'll go to her old home town down the coast this weekend to see more family. More family who will not support her in this but will listen if she has anything to say. She's totally on her own in this.
stop hoping for this or that from her. stop focusing on the fact that nobody supports her - it doesn't matter and makes no difference in what she is or isn't going to do!!
ranting is a good sign from her. I can see the old W buried away behind that anger. Walking away will surprise the heck out of her as she'll be expecting me to join in the fray. Not going to happen.
IT DOESN'T MATTER!!!!
we lbs's, until we detach looooove looking to these sorts of details as signs of hope. they keep you on the roller coaster going up and down up and down. you're still focusing on what you can do to change her mind with some strategy or tactic
GIVE IT UP!!
and the passing thing - i didn't meant the whole sitch, you nut, i meant her ranting and raving about the phone and email!! stop looking for hope from her, until she hands it to you on a plate as in i want to work this out.
start looking for hope for yourself only and figure out how to go about it. lose the fantasy, part of you is banking on how things went last time and that she'll come back like last time.
seriously mac, if i was anywhere near you right now, you would be feeling the whack!!
wake up , sweet man, and take care of yourself, ok? (and that does NOT include taking care of your wife right now)
(((( )))) zig
ps -maybe it's time for a visit to the picnic for you?? we give 2x4's there as needed too, but they are softened with a shot of this or that...
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Off out tonight. Then think I need a refresher deluxe of both DB and DR.
Confused because I'm reading all this stuff far far to literally.
fix her phone or don't. It doesn't matter.
I'm not trying any sort of one one upmanship despite what you read. My fault for trying to express myself and making a poor job of it.
Do this. Don't do this. Focus on me. Checking out the repeating signs. What the heck?????? She been back for three whole days. This is the very very start of this horrible thing. I can't remember much of the entire last three years of my life :-(((((((
Mac I will echo what other posters have said to you above and note that you are taking too narrow a view of today's events. You are already speculating that something positive is happening here and that you will be "shot down."
Get off of the roller coaster and get yourself stable first. Stop trying to read into every minute detail and, as you said you needed, re-read DB/DR. Everything you do is focused on W. FOCUS ON YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. Get some meds if you have to. Do you have a dr. or IC? You are all over the place. Work on detaching.
