ditto gabbysmom! That is exactly how I feel, except for him being nice part....I don't regret anything I've done through this; I'm not sorry that I tried to save my marriage; but I am way healthier and happier since the divorce.
ditto gabbysmom! That is exactly how I feel, except for him being nice part....I don't regret anything I've done through this; I'm not sorry that I tried to save my marriage; but I am way healthier and happier since the divorce.
Karen
My ex also looks healthier and happier. Apparently I was very bad husband. I pray every day to have another chance with her.
The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Make yourself into the best man and father you can possibly be. IF there's a chance for reconciliation with your ex, that will only happen by you showing these consistent changes over a long time. If there's NOT going to be a reconciliation (and let's face it, you might have burned those bridges - we can't possibly know) - then you will STILL benefit by having become a better person and will attract a better future partner.
Work on your stuff, get whatever help you need to figure out why you did the things you did in your marriage. Be humble and admit to her that you screwed up. Be her best friend and don't put any pressure on her.
The only thing you have control over is YOURSELF. Make yourself into the best man and father you can possibly be. IF there's a chance for reconciliation with your ex, that will only happen by you showing these consistent changes over a long time. If there's NOT going to be a reconciliation (and let's face it, you might have burned those bridges - we can't possibly know) - then you will STILL benefit by having become a better person and will attract a better future partner.
Work on your stuff, get whatever help you need to figure out why you did the things you did in your marriage. Be humble and admit to her that you screwed up. Be her best friend and don't put any pressure on her.
The best advice, kml. And the hardest to follow. Thank you.
So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?
So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?
I guess she would answer:
1 Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this
2 My irresponsibility and selfishness- I am improving my English, I am going to apply for master university degree, I dedicate my weekends to my daughter's lessons.
3 Aggressive outbursts and non-constant behaviour - they were kind of provoked by her nagging and insults. I try being more calm and balanced person. I am going to renew my yoga practising.
Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this
Try reading the book The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It discusses how to speak your partner's Love Languages". And even though you have to be careful not to pressure your wife, there are ways to still speak their love language. (For instance - my ex's love language is quality time. When we were reconciling, I would be careful to drop everything I was doing and pay complete attention to him when he was talking to me - no more multi-tasking. If your wife's love language is, say, Words of Affirmation, you might get farther by paying her an occasional compliment than by giving her things.
As for quality time - when you DO see her, give her your complete attention. Eye contact, listen intently, don't let anything else distract you. No multi-tasking.
As for physical touch - that's harder in your sitch, but if there's an opportunity to just give a playful tap or touch her hand lightly when handing her something, take it.
So, Duke - if I asked your wife, what would she say were the three top things that you did that destroyed the marriage? And what are you doing to work on those issues now?
I guess she would answer:
1 Lack of affection and loving attitude - it is too late work on this
WHY? If you are around her (or your daughter) you can certainly reflect changes in that relationship, which our ex w will hear of. And no woman is unmoved by loving interactions between her child and the child's father. It's a turn on emotionally.
2 My irresponsibility and selfishness- I am improving my English, I am going to apply for master university degree, I dedicate my weekends to my daughter's lessons.
so you are changing those traits? Okay good. The more concrete 180s you do, the better. Do you have the Divorce Remedy books? Please get it and read it.
And See above comment. And when you say you dedicate your weekends to your d's lessons, do you have FUN with her
or do things SHE wants to do or SHE is intersted in? It's crucial to do that or she'll soon be old enough to say "no thanks" to daddy time.
3 Aggressive outbursts and non-constant behaviour - they were kind of provoked by her nagging and insults. I try being more calm and balanced person. I am going to renew my yoga practising.
aggressive outburts is a vague but scary term to me b/c my father was intimdating and he was physically abusive to all of us, now and then. It's really NEVER acceptable b/c most spouses will insult hurt or annoy you at some point.
You don't get to hurt them back...
I have 2 relatives who remarried their exes. They had kids.
So they had contact. A few years passed and they ALL changed themselves...
and the 2nd time around was better. Better communication and better commitment and more decent behavior on all counts.
One study suggested that almost 70% of couples who divorced 5 or more years before, were asked if they feel that they now had the skills to repair a marriage like they had.
So between 2/3 and 3/4 said THEY COULD NOW...but maybe it takes more time to know.
What do you have to lose by first building a good r with your d, finishing the career project you have started,
and just having coffee with your ex? If you have shown some changes in your life, you can share that WITHOUT highlighting it in a way that makes it look "tactical" b/c you want her to trust that the changes are real and lasting...not just to get her back. Esp if there's a money problem and she thinks you only want back in for the money.
Do you love your ex wife?
OIf she agrees to coffee, Talk about safe things like your d, ask your wife how she likes her job and how her family is doing, etc...and compliment her, make eye contact with her and LISTEN when she speaks...listen well...
In addition to the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy book read "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman. IT'll show you that for some of us, the way we GIVE love and the way we RECEIVE it are often different
and different from our spouses. My h expresses love with affection and wants that back and words of affirmation.
I express love with acts of service and quality time together.
there is no flaw or fault in this, just differences to respect. And pay attention to.
Don't turn away love b/c it wasn't wrapped the way you wanted...
Good luck.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
