Been married for 17 years. I moved from NJ to GA for H, leaving behind family, friends, etc. We have a 16 y.o. D with developmental disabilities.
Our marriage has seen lots of ups and downs for many reasons. I admit to being controlling and have tried to stop that over the past 4 years. I used to threaten divorce a lot to try to get H to behave the way I wanted. That stopped when I realized it was not what I wanted and that I was trying to control him. Everytime I threatened, he told me to "get my head on straight" and "to think about what I was doing" and that "the timing wasn't right for him".
In early June, we had a huge fight. I had been pursuing and he had been pulling away. He bought a motorcycle in May and had yet to take me for a ride but had plenty of time for his friends and I got mad. Instead of expressing my feelings positively, I attacked him. Over the remainder of June, we seemed to be getting on track.
On June 28, our D left to spend 3 weeks with my family in PA. On July 2, when I came home from teaching at 10 pm, H told me he wanted a divorce, we had nothing in common, the relationshiop had been over for years, etc. While not totally out of the blue, I was a little bit shocked. I told him that getting rid of me would not solve all of his problems and he admitted that he had isues at work, etc. that I am aware of. He told me I was going to give him a heart attack. I later learned of some of the issues that set him off that day at work and at home while I was gone.
On July 6 I bought the DR book. That was also the last time that divorce came up until Monday. On july 6, I asked him to reconsider for the sake of D and to try to work on our issues. He told me that reconciliation would be on his time and his terms and I said that was ok.
That night our AC died and I stayed at a hotel alone. I started to read DR and immediately connected with what I had been doing wrong. I also identified that H may be having a MLC. I also know that he has unresolved issues from a prior marriage (ours is his 3rd).
I started to use the "Act as if" and "Do a 180" tactics. I also used some of the Last Resort techniques. I stopped pursuing him, no more calls during the day no texts, etc. He told me not to cook for him, but I continued to cook (I have to eat) and he continued to come come and thank me for cooking. I've started to GAL and look nice on the weekends. Our anniversary was July 15. He came home early and I made a nice dinner. I made him breakfast, which I usually do on Sundays, and he asked if that was an anniversary breakfast. I was making note of the small improvements. While he was still somewhat cold, he was thanking me for the meals and talking to me about his feelings. I listened and tried not to give advice. Just told him I understood, tried to acknowledge him, etc.
On Monday, I could sense that he was angry when he came home. I also sensed that he didn't like what I cooked. He told me not to cook any more for him. I told him that I was sorry that he didn't like the meal. He then told me that I didn't understand where he was with us, that he was serious and I needed to move out. He told me that I was trying too hard, I was acting like a whipped puppy and smothering him. I tried to tell him that I understood his feelings but he told me that I didn't and got angry. I probably engaged him more than I should have. He also told me that I was acting as if nothing was wrong (the tears and pain have been private).
I pointed out that I had been leaving him alone and giving him space. I was really dumbfounded by the comments he made to me as I have been more distant than ever before. No cards, letters, appologies.
I'm trying to understand if the 2 methods I am trying to use are not working. I am trying to be patient and don't want to give up. I feel like he is mad that I am not crying and pleading, which is what I would usually do. I am trying to keep a smile on my face. I don't think this is really what he wants, but I know that I cannot change his behavior, only mine. While he tells me he wants me out, he still wants me to continue to do all of the errands, etc. that a spouse would do, such as getting his medicines at the pharmacy.
He is also wanting me to do all of the work towards moving and separating. I've decided that if he wants this so bad, he can put some effort into it. I am also not going to leave until we have a reasonable conversation about expectations, etc.
Thanks for listening. Any thoughts or feed back is appreciated.
M44 H57 D17 (special needs) M 18 yrs Bomb 7/2/12 Still living together
