Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

Thanks, ces. You're very right. I appreciate you bringing that to my attention.

Last night was a hard night. I went to H's parent's house to pick up my two older children and was hoping that D1 would be awake so that I could say good-bye to her. H told me she was asleep downstairs but I could go see her. I told him I didn't want to go inside. He said, there isn't anyone in there. I stood there for a while debating whether I should. It doesn't really matter that no one was in there, it's more the memories that his parent's house holds for me. I did end up going in because I couldn't imagine going all this time without seeing her. When I got downstairs I opened the door to H's room and she woke up and immediately put her hands out to me to pick her up and started crying.

She was really whiny and wouldn't stop crying and I was trying to get her to go back to sleep. All the while I'm standing in H's bedroom and looking at his bed wondering if him and OW have had sex there. This is hard. This house was like a 2nd home to me and now I'm not a part of it at all. It's been so contaminated with this woman and I am now the outsider. I'm realizing its not healthy for me to go there anymore. Even just outside in the driveway. It's really hard.

H came inside and was trying to help me with D1. It was so strange to be with him and trying to take care of her because he left me when she was 6 months old so I don't really know him as her father. And, yet, at the same time it felt good to be parents together even if it was for a couple minutes. I know I said this before that I'm not in love with him but when I'm around him like this I realize that I do really still love him. I'm still so drawn to him and still feel very much like he's my H even with all this time apart. I thought for a while that I couldn't really see us getting back together and now I know that all I want is for our family to come back together more than anything. And I know my kids long for it too. They tell me all the time.

The whole interaction at his parent's was weird. Somewhat cold. I had so much on my mind and I could tell he did too but both of us weren't saying anything. There was a lot of tension. And it was like he was trying to move me along my way. I hate that feeling. I was trying to say good-bye to D1 but she kept crying and only reaching for her daddy. Kinda made me sad especially since I won't see her until next Monday.

I left with my other two kids and balled the entire way home. My kids kept asking me why I was crying and I just kept saying, I'm just sad. I couldn't stop crying. I got home and the kids ran inside to say hi to my mom and her H. And I left and went for a walk and continued to cry. It's been almost a year of this and I feel the same way I did when he left me. That is not encouraging.

So I had my DB coaching session last night and it helped a lot. She did a really great exercise where she asks me questions as if I was my H. She even called me by H's name and had me pretend that I was him answering. It was quite interesting the affect it had on me. After we were done, she read back to me everything I said. It was eye-opening. I could feel my H's pain. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and felt sorry for him. I had more compassion for him and what he's been going through. After the session was over, I decided to text my H and explain to him that what I've been going through has been very traumatizing for me. I've never been through this before and I continue to make mistakes but I want to be on good terms. I want to ease the tension between the two of us.

It was late when I sent it and I haven't heard back from him but I feel like it will be a way for me to start anew with him. I have so much hurt and resentment from the day I went over to his house and OW was there chatting on the couch with his family. This is my way of trying to move past that. That way when I see him my interactions won't be fake. I'm sure he can tell.

Anyhow, our trailer is all packed up and we are headed out the door to do some fun camping and site seeing for the rest of this week and I'm excited to take a break from all of this. Have a good week everyone!