My W was only caring in the very beginning of our relationship. No need to ask what changed because I don’t know the answer to that. From her perspective there was little value in me. She didn’t appreciate me and was very cold. Yes, these are things that are out of my control. I ask myself, if she ever wanted to work on reconciliation would I take her back? Probably.
I want to keep my family together and I don’t think the grass is greener on the other side. I think marriages are challenging regardless of who your with. I don’t have a choice right now however if we ever reconciled I highly doubt W would make the changes that I would like to see.
Talk to a family counselor about visitation if you and your W can't agree.
"My W was only caring in the very beginning of our relationship."
That sounds pretty unfair. Life change influence how we act towards one another. I think you're confusing attention to 'caring'. She could have been showing caring, but not in the way that you realized. After being together for so long, sometimes the small gestures that you didn't realize she was doing for you was her way of showing caring. It's your job to keep a look out for those.
"No need to ask what changed because I don’t know the answer to that."
YOU need to ask what changed. That's the reason why your M is in the state it is now. It could be that her attention shifted to your kids after they were born, it could be that she was just tired, it could be from a number of things. But if you don't find the answer to that, things will remain the same.
"From her perspective there was little value in me."
Mindreading.
"She didn’t appreciate me and was very cold."
Again, mindreading. You wanted to be loved in a very specific way. However it's not a way that she might have learned how to love. That's why books like the 5 Love Languages and His Need, Her Needs are a must to read as well as DR.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Thanks Mrbond. I have a question for Mrbond or anyone else that’s been doing this for a while. I am interested in reading the books Mrbond just mentioned however I am thinking they are probably more relevant when/if I get to the piecing stage or for my next relationship?
MrBond is very good at spotting mindreading. I think we all spend way too much time trying to figure out what our S are thinking and probably not enough listening to what they are saying and watching what they are showing us.
Thanks for keeping us all on our toes Bond
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Absolutely Arsene, you bring up a good point! (By the way, I am sticking with you and I am really behind you my friend!!!) MrBond- Initially I was a bit taken back by your bluntness however I quickly learned to respect and appreciate your feedback. You quickly showed that you know what you’re talking about. (Not just because of your name). On another thread you mentioned that your name has something to do with James Bond, it’s been a while, could you help clarify?
A lot of the LBS’s start babbling about irrelevant things and you do an amazing job deciphering all the babble and get down to brass tax. In other words, a lot of us dilute things and you stay pure in a simplistic but highly knowledgeable way. I want to thank you very much!!!!
"On another thread you mentioned that your name has something to do with James Bond, it’s been a while, could you help clarify?"
Sure. I'm a firm believer that your name or alias here should be a reflection of the person you want to become. When I started DBing, I was the same as everyone else. Until I decided to stop letting fear and her threats run my life.
I thought long and hard to think of a person or character that does the right thing, is fearless and doesn't give a damn about what others think about his motivations. Daniel Craig's version of James Bond immediately came to mind. It also helps that he doesn't let the emotions of women affect his end goal. He knows his objective and doesn't let anyone or anything stop him from achieving it.
Sometimes when I felt really bad in my sitch or any other times when I questioned my self worth, I actually would play the James Bond theme in my head and that gave me focus. There was an immediate change in my interactions with others right after.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I can’t get my mind off my sitch. Mainly the only times it doesn’t consume me is when I am working, spending time with my friends, my kids and keeping active. My mind immediately gets consumed by my sitch the second I stop doing some of those things. I know I should constantly be doing things to get my mind off of it however it’s just a fact there’s going to be down time. One of my good friends told me that I have the whole world in front of me right now, the possibilities are endless. While I appreciate his encouragement I just can’t see it.
I’ve gained so much knowledge over the last couple months but here’s one of the biggest points I’ve learned since I started this rollercoaster from hell 3 months ago. My M was disintegrating right in front of me and I didn’t know what to do. I felt no matter what I did, it was never enough. I’ve always held down a FT job but we never seemed to have enough money. I would get so angry because I felt my W view it as “It’s only about the money” and that made me feel like crap because I didn’t want her to view me from that standpoint. I wanted her to love me for who I am. While I’ve always wanted to make a lot of money I wish she would have loved me for who I was, for her to stick it out through thick and thin. I feel love should go far beyond money. I didn’t know what to do because I was trying, but it wasn’t enough.
Ok, enough of that. Back to my original point I was trying to make about what I’ve learned. The “money” piece of the relationship goes far beyond just money. It’s what it stands for, it’s the safety and it’s the security. W wants to feel safe and she wants to know things are taken care of. The stress of finances was always on her mind, it consumed her and she couldn’t take it anymore. That might not be the only thing that caused our separation but it was a really big part of it.
Going through this helped me realize I can’t view it from a “It’s only the money” mindset, it’s what’s behind it. I am sure that’s one of W’s love languages. I don’t think I could have started to work on my improvements until I truly grasped this concept and accepted it. Recently I’ve finally come to terms with what I need to work on to make myself a better person. Does it seem like I am on the right track here?
I highly doubt I would have this clarity without the help of the kind and knowledgable people on this board. I will always be forever thankful for your selfless acts.
Rough
Me(M):38 W:43 Together: 14 Married: 11 D: 4 S:8 W wanted separation 5/5/12 Stopped living together 5/5/12 Currently DB’ing
“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”. Thomas Jefferson
