Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

journaling---

I think I did okay with the keeping things light this evening, not great but it take practice, right? H was here this evening for dinner and our sons bedtime routine. There was light conversation for the most part. He wanted to talk about going back to his IC. I think I mention previously that he stopped seeing her because he thought that was what I wanted base on a conversation and letter I emailed him. We talked a little about that and it came down to what I meant and what he understood were different. I said that I didn't expect or want him to stop seeing his IC, I was just concerned that his IC and our MC were taking us different directions. I said I appreciate that he did that in the effort to lessen my concern but that wasn't my intention. I said "but I see how you could see it that way" He stated his position again, i replied with I don't know what else to say (no apologies) he said "nothin'". Basically, we both see where things were misunderstood, enough said. I think it was a good exchange but I think it could have gone better. I get so nervous when we talk about this stuff, he has a way of arguing circles around me. So, after all that he said he wants to go back to his IC. I said I'm glad that he does and I am. He needs to work out a lot more that just our marriage crap, things like; his childhood, possible PTSD, depression, 2 other failed marriages and the guilt and pain he still carries, control. I think these last few weeks that he hasn't been seeing her and now that he's moved out, he can see the value in talk therapy.

His concern for my feelings felt nice. I'm realizing he does that a lot.

I love this man so much and I hope he can find a happy place again. Although I hope, with all my heart, that we can come back together, I'm afraid he can't get past all of this. I know I can survive and move on eventually but it's not what I want. Not for our S especially. So, I will continue to improve myself, find happiness and allow him the time to figure things out, all the while trying to not letting my impatience trip me up.