Fighting between faith & reality

[~ kd ~]

RT, say what you will about your sitch and how you're upset with yourself and your W because of what is happening between the two of you...

but for goodness sake, man...

terminal or not... you have cancer...

you may put on a brave face, but deep down there's likely some part of you that is in a complete panic.

I'm posting this link even though I know external links are frowned upon, because I believe you really need to consider what is likely going on in you, underneath any thoughts you might be having to block a very real and harsh reality:

http://www.cancersurvivors.org/Coping/end%20term/stages.htm

What ever you can do, I know it is good for those who are dealing with cancer...

Do what ever it takes to reduce the stress in your life.

[MrBond]

I agree. You need to take care of yourself first and foremost. This martyr complex you have going on isn't doing anyone (especially yourself) any good.

You want to be around for a good long time for your kids right? Get the support you need for yourself and heal.

[kml]

RT -
We're here and WE care.

What type of cancer are they thinking it might be? I ask because I know a few things and might be able to help. Meanwhile, I suggest you read the book Anticancer - by a physician who had a brain tumor, and finally figured out he should look at the literature on how to keep his body in a healing mode.

[seeking answers]

RT,

I agree, it's all about you now. Get support wherever you can. Surround yourself with positives geared toward healing.

As KML said, "We're here and WE care."

[greatwhitenorth]

Sending you lots of strength and courage my friend.

[sleeper]

I agree with the others. As I've said before, one thing I took from lifeguard training decades ago (yikes) was the axiom, "Save yourself first !" You can't save anyone (your kids) if you're pulled under.

P.S. I don't know what you've done so far but as a fellow cave man I know many of us are inclined to avoid Doctors. If such thoughts ever cross your mind, think about your kids. It works for me.

[AJM]

Hi RT.

Um, you are PO'd. That seems pretty clear. Sounds like part of that is because of her leaving/not being able to be counted on/not living up to promises.

But there's more, isn't there?

All that said, may I suggest that you can tell anyone you like. Or don't. It's your life. It's your choice. What others do with it is up to them, but I get not wanting it to get around.

In the meantime, there is anger. Not sure why your IC can't see it. I've been where you are in that thinking (not with cancer) and I see it all over your posts.

I think you are well equipped to deal with that once you accept things more completelyt.

Am I missing something RT?
AJ

[RoofTop]

I don't know enough yet about it to really say. I've had two seperate doctors confirm it. But I have to go to a specialist to get further tests done to see which one of the three versions there are, that I have. It's a non-hodgkins lymphoma and the good news that I can see is that it's considered "slow growth" so it can be cut out and that may be the end of it. Where I have potential for bad news is if it got to my lymphnodes or in my blood stream. Then it's bad. I'll know more in a few weeks.

I do appreciate the kind words of support. I'm not trying to act tough, it's just my fierce independance sparking up. I've always been a fighter and not much of a touchy feely kind of guy. Which does explain a lot in my relationship with my W - as I have admitted.

The thing about "caring" that gets me defensive is that serious issues sometimes dictate the way people treat you and I don't want to spend my time being in the dumps. It's okay for people to worry about others, but for me, others are welcome to worry for me and I'll focus on other things. Just don't bring it up every time we meet in the hallway kinda stuff. I know some people that worry a lot and it's a bit much for me. I've never been too close to my family so telling them would be like re-inventing the wheel on relationships that we never had.

I'm still a bit bummed today. A lot has to do with exhaustion. Not much sleep last night due to work and no breaks today.

I liked the Stages of Grief. I've been thinking hard on that for a few weeks. I was never in the "Disbelief" phase. I kind of got through that with my W's MLC a while back. Anymore, I just accept what comes. I did find the stuff on depression interesting. It wasn't much, but I'm guilty of over-generalizing depression as people moping about. But just because I'm motivated to exercise regularly, stay focused on school and work, doesn't mean I'm not depressed.

In my ignorance, I thought "I don't care anymore" meant that I was in the "Acceptance" phase. OOPS! I'm going to have to re-evaluate my premis again.

I "Bargained" the first year into my W's MLC. I did that a lot. Over the last year I just went with whatever, but I'm easily bouncing between stages.

I think it's "Acceptance" that I crave to reach so that I can move on with my life. It makes sense, but I'll keep thinking on it before any final judgements.

Thanks everyone. I'm not angry today. Granted, it helps that my W is staying home with S6 while I get S12 to his game this evening. That is, if this darn pager can stop pestering me......

[kml]

RT -
There is a four-fold increased risk of non-Hodgkins lymphoma among patients with celiac disease (gluten sensitivity). Based on that, I would recommend ANY lymphoma patient go on a completely gluten-free diet. I see lots of patients who don't have full-fledged celiac disease but are sensitive to gluten to some degree - if it would help your body be less hospitable to this cancer, why not? After all, we humans didn't eat wheat before 10,000 years ago anyway.

Here's an abstract from the medical literature:
Cancer Causes Control. 2011 Oct;22(10):1435-44. Epub 2011 Jul 14.
Non-Hodgkin lymphoma and gluten-sensitive enteropathy: estimate of risk using meta-analyses.
Kane EV, Newton R, Roman E.
Source

Epidemiology and Genetics Unit, Department of Health Sciences, University of York, Seebohm Rowntree Building, Heslington, York, YO10 5DD, UK. [e-mail]
Abstract
OBJECTIVES:

Gluten-sensitive enteropathy, including coeliac disease and dermatitis herpetiformis, is associated with non-Hodgkin lymphoma (NHL), and particularly enteropathy-associated T-cell lymphoma (EATCL). We conducted a meta-analysis to quantify the association.
METHODS:

Fifty-four risk estimates (range 0.28-300) were pooled using random-effects meta-analysis. Potential sources of variation were examined using sensitivity analyses and meta-regression.
RESULTS:

Thirty-one estimates with gluten-sensitive enteropathy diagnosed by serology then biopsy, serology alone, or recorded in medical notes accounted for half the variation in risks, giving a pooled estimate of 4.42 (95% confidence interval (CI) 3.72-5.26, I2 = 0%). Men and women had similar pooled risks. Risks were largest when these conditions were diagnosed using biopsy and lowest when self-reported. Study design, comparison population, geography or gluten-sensitive enteropathy type explained less of the variation. EATCL estimates ranged from 6 to 200; an association with diffuse large B-cell lymphoma (DLBCL) was also observed (pooled risk estimate = 1.97, 95% CI 1.23-3.15).
CONCLUSIONS:

Where gluten-sensitive enteropathy was diagnosed using modern techniques, NHL risk was increased fourfold. At this level, one in 2,000 persons with gluten-sensitive enteropathy develops NHL each year. In addition to EATCL, DLBCL and possibly other subtypes may be linked to these conditions, and these weaker associations could be investigated in large population-based cohorts with biological samples.

[Arsene]

Wow, I've got lot of respect for the way you're handling yourself. Be strong mate, and know you can always share here. I know it's not the same as having the human touch but I'm sure we're all routing for you on all counts.