I definitely feel real remorse for my past actions. I hate the fact that I caused her pain.
Well the latest development is, my grandmother passed away last night. She basically raised me so we were close. Not as close as I would have liked to have been recently... I was mad at her and haven't seen her since thanksgiving two years ago. She said she didn't know why I married my W and it upset and hurt me greatly. I now know it was probably her dementia talking...
Anyway I was feeling emotional and debating on whether or not I should even tell my W. I did, and she of course felt bad but she was being really mechanical and restrained with her emotion. Here is a sample of our texts...
Me - "You and our D4 are more important right now. (then me spending money coming home for the funeral and missing out on making another 4k halibut fishing.). I can deal with death (as I realize she is at peace), but I can't deal with losing my family. I'm sorry that's just how I feel. I'm not saying I won't consider coming, but I'm scared. I need my wife right now..." (I regret sounding so vulnerable and weak to her... I shouldn't have said most of this.)
W - "I don't know where the lines are, but I think you're overstepping them. I'm very sorry I can't be here for you, but I don't think that's appropriate."
Me - "I feel like I was such a bad grandson... I was a bad person. I hope Jesus helps me really change for good. I'm sorry I shouldn't have told you."
W - "If you came for the funeral I wouldn't attend."
Me - "That really hurts."
W - "No, I'm upset no one told me earlier! Me keeping things clear isn't me not caring! I'm crying too, ok?"
W - "I wasn't trying to hurt you. I'm struggling to find what is appropriate here. None of my actions are from spite"
Me - " I know"
I just talked to my mom a little bit ago, and she said she talked to my W and she was crying and thought I should come home. I got hopeful, but she just called me while I was typing this, and said I should come home, but so I wouldn't regret it. She said it with almost no emotion. I am so confused now. I think I am going to stay and make more money. It is the best for my family.
