Newbie and ready for hard work

[needgrace]

Hi dj21, sounds like you are doing so well managing some really difficult feelings

i guess i would be concerned about how healthy it is for your D to play that role, as intermediary. it seems to place her in the middle. how do you think H would respond if you found another way to communicate and explained that you did not want to put D in the middle?

breathe and get some mantras to help you through...

[dj21]

I completely agree needsgrace, I do think it is unhealthy for our D18 to be in the middle. I have previously, on numerous occasions, asked via email, text and in person for H to not use our D18 as his communicator. I suppose this is me dropping the rope, per say. I just can't seem to figure out a different way of making the request, and it was feeling as though I wasn't getting a positive response doing it my way. I felt like by me continuously harping on the two of them about how I was being communicated with it made them do it more. It feels completely wrong, and that is why I am unsure if this is the right thing to do or not. I am trying to do the opposite. eeeeeek.

[~ kd ~]

Unfortunately, you can do nothing about your H speaking to you through your D18 at this time.

It is not right and the worst thing you can do is stop taking info from D18 as that may cause severe alienation for her. It already will be making things bad for your D18. Your H obviously knows the circumstances between you and D18 and he's likely wedging things deeper by speaking through her so she empathizes and agrees with his POV.

Please try to understand that he has his reasons. It serves him. He is likely acting out of fear. Do you have any idea what that might be? Understand that fear sometimes shows up as anger, so what is he "angry" about that he talks through D18?

I don't have any real thoughts right now about how you might go about doing this. I would recommend digging really deep and determining how you can speak with him directly.

There was a time when my W did this with my kids. What I started doing was, I would take the info and then I would respond directly to my W. Over time, she eventually stopped speaking through the kids.

[~ kd ~]

BTW, asking or telling him NOT to use D18 appears to be making him dig in, or at the least, he's just not going to listen to that.

So it is up to you to figure out how without telling him. As that was one of his complaints, wasn't it?

Like I said, and this is very DB... Change the sitch. Start DOING as a responsible adult and parent and eventually, he is likely to do the same. He can't keep doing the same thing if you change.

[dj21]

venting today...I found myself so sad this morning and then guilty because I am so sad. There are days that I feel so confident and strong and then there are days like today. I struggle to get my head around all of this, I spend my days concentrating and focusing on keeping busy. Reading every day in my DB and DR books and online here to keep myself aware of my behaviors. I feel as though I am fighting each day to do the opposite of my norm. I am so angry at my H, angry that I am having to handle the house and property on my own, angry that I am parenting on my own our six children still at home. He makes no attempt at seeing our children unless it's his weekend time, which is every other weekend. He has no responsibilities and just runs around with the OW to concerts, out of state trips, going out and it drives me insane. How on earth can a man walk away from a family and the daily responsibilities after 24 years. The Ow is 14 years younger, has children of her own, but her children are only with her on alternate weeks. So basically, they get to be single, for a full week at a time. Arrrg. I struggle daily, with wanting to go back to my attack mode, I want to make things difficult for him. There are things that our "temporary orders" state that he is required to do, such as pay certain bills and take our children for 3 weekends a month, instead of 2. He doesn't comply, but I have chosen to not push the issues in court, because I don't want a divorce, even though I filed. I have firmly told my attorney that I don't want to hold him in contempt. If he wants the divorce, he can push it through. I won't just sit back and not defend myself, my H has filed a motion that he wants to not pay maintenance, and that I should be working. This angers me, he wants to leave our family and only contribute a 1/4 of his income, when he was our families income earner. I want so badly to attack, I am sad, I am angry, but I also know that if I were to attack I would seal the deal. I would push us into and over the D fence and I don't want that. It is unbearable sometimes to even remember why I want to save my marriage, when the pain is so intense. I am terrified that I will act out during one of these moments and lose my focus. Our marriage is on my mind daily, I find myself thinking about things everyday...monitoring my actions and trying to recall the things that H complained about and change some. I read over and over, that the changes are for me, but my reality is that I want my changes for us as well. Rambling here because my mind is exhausted. Tomorrow marks a month of Db'ing and I am so worn out emotionally. My actions I have worked on-I have delivered our children to OW house for the month of July, stayed in the driveway being friendly and making eye contact (H responded well, conversed sometimes up to 10 min.) I have not CREATED a reason to contact H for 30 days. I have not reacted out of anger to H for 30 days. I have not responded or pushed our D proceedings out of anger. Trying to keep breathing.

[dj21]

another add on to my earlier post, after reading so many posts on this board, I get confused with some posts stating that people should face reality and that most of these situations end in D, and some posts about how people hang on too long. I am here because the DB focus validated my hope and is guiding me to take responsibility for my own actions. It is called Divorce Busting for a reason, right? I understand there are no guarantees, but these books showed me that I can give myself the chance at fixing my marriage along with myself. I suppose I am struggling with those comments, I am second guessing myself, and sometimes reading them thinking "crap, am I sticking my head in the sand, do I need to face the reality that H left".

[~ kd ~]

You mention that you are angry and want to go back into "attack" mode.

I read your post, I just want to know if you can summarize your anger? ie. List 6 specific things that you are angry at your H in concise words.

[scaredsilly]

You need drugs. Sorry to be so blunt and I'll probably get 2x4'd here but see your doctor about medical help. I've been where you are.

[dj21]

Kaffe Diem- I am still processing your response about why my H is angry from yesterday, thanks for putting it out there for me to reflect on.
6 specific things I am angry at? Today here are my 6 points.
1) I am angry that he left
2) I am angry that he is in a relationship and living with OW
3) I am angry that he is angry
4) I am angry that he doesn't show he cares
5) I am angry that he doesn't show he is suffering like I am suffering
6) I am angry that I miss him daily

I am being honest.

Scaredsilly-thanks for your input, it actually brought a smile to my face. My doctor and I have discussed medication many times, the ups and downs on a daily basis along with being emotionally all over the place isn't a fun party, it is completely frustrating, but for some reason I feel I need to wait a little longer and process through these emotions. I am trying to focus on the DB technique to help me with getting myself emotionally responsible. We will shall see.

[~ kd ~]

I'm glad you are being honest, dj.

So here's the next, tough question (dig a little deeper):

What are you afraid of?

1) I am angry that he left
2) I am angry that he is in a relationship and living with OW
3) I am angry that he is angry
4) I am angry that he doesn't show he cares
5) I am angry that he doesn't show he is suffering like I am suffering
6) I am angry that I miss him daily

IOW, in each of the 6 points, what fear is the anger stemming from?