Should I initiate R talk?

[Denver_2010]

Hi Denver,

I think I'm about half way through your threads and it's comforting to see that you felt the same as I do at one time.

I did. Hell, I felt it as recently as May. But I think that most everyone here felt that desperate feeling, at least at the beginning. It's awful. But it is normal. And what it tells me is that you love your W.

Regarding your advice up there, I realised that I can't listen to my wife as she doesn't really talk about herself. She sometimes asks me how I'm doing but never volunteers anything about her life.

Just wait for it. I'm fairly confident that it will come eventually. In the meantime, there is nothing wrong with having light convo with your W about other stuff in the world... or about your D.

About the positive attitude and the Act "as if". I try to do that but I must be very bad at it because the other day, even D8 asked me why I was sad or upset, then wife also asked and I went on the defensive telling them I was fine. Last night as well, I was trying to get W out as soon as possible but it's like she was enjoying seeing me suffer. Like she was putting this on just for me. Taking her merry time with her make up and mouth wash and making sure she got a last glimpse in the mirror before leaving. I wanted to go and leave her to it but i had to let her out of the boarding house and of course by then I couldn't act anymore. She won that round as well.

Act as if... have a positive mental attitude... fake it til you make it... and all of the other sayings that you will find here.

Man, you have to figure this one out. The one thing that I did pretty well, most of the time, throughout my situation was to act as if I had a positive mental attitude when I was around my W... and a lot of the time, I was faking it!

I would always remind myself of this...

Who wants to be around someone who is sad and depressed???

Do you? Of course not.

Don't be THAT person... be someone that EVERYONE wants to be around!

And actually, if you fake that stuff enough, it becomes much more natural... it puts you in a good mood.

I know it's just an act for her too. I've seen some sadness in her eye here and there. I know she's struggling too. Why can't we just be honest with one another and tell each other how we feel?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but she has told you how she feels. She wants a S.... AND, you've told her that you don't. Sounds like you guys have told each other how each of you feels.

When it comes to "talking too much", you got that right. I need to learn to STFU. the thing is if we're in the same room and I dont say anything, we end up having one of these very long uncomfortable silences which eventually leads me to leave the room, almost with my tail between my legs. Another victory for W.

Again, nothing wrong with light convo when around W. Just stay away from R talk. When you are away from her, don't initiate convo at all. Let her come to you.

My feeling now is that 2 years ago, when she started the EA, I managed to stop it at that. Then I insisted she left the band (EA was/is with the drummer) and told her it was a deal breaker. so now, I think she wants to see what she missed out on and that's why she came back to this city. In fact, she probably contacted OM while i was away in my own country and i suspect that it was the catalyst for the separation.

If this is true, her feelings for OM will have to be resolved before there is any chance at true reconciliation.

For some reason you seemed to be getting a lot more support back then than I do now. I feel like it takes forever for me to get any kind of feedback on this thread. I know that at the beginning you switched thread a few times out of frustration. I'm wondering if i should just start a new thread myself.

Maybe it's DB's way to teach us patience.

A good way of looking at it I suppose. I know that i had a lot of the vets take an interest in my situation at times. I will always appreciate that for sure. But, it can become overwhelming. Mostly because, many times, they don't agree with one another. The bottom line is that you have to take what you learn here, the unique nature of your situation that only you know, and do your best.

Only start a new thread when the old one gets to be 100 posts. It won't do you any good.

The way that I usually looked at posting here was that I was journaling. I'd suggest that you look at it that way too. There is no magic potion that any one here is going to be able to provide for you.

I also got a lot of good info from Sandi2. i found it really helpful to get the insider's perspective on things. I wouldn't mind if she gave me a bit of her no-nonsense wisdom. On this I was wondering if you think you W was MLC. After reading loads on the subject, i really think mine is. Does it make a difference?

Thanks for your help.

Remember that the posters here are not always around. They don't get paid to keep up with everyone. They are paying it forward so to speak.

Sandi is great! I certainly wouldn't hesitate seeking her out here on the board and asking her to take a look at your situation. I think that she can probably be found on the piecing forum or maybe the MLC forum.