Piecing - Round 1

[Denver_2010]

Denver, you said your W didn't feel that she had done anything wrong b/c you were S at time the A with OM took place. You've stated how you want her to see that it was indeed wrong b/c the two of you were still M. Let me ask a question here.....and it's not to argue with what you're saying, but rather to get down to better understanding it.

Do you want her to see this was "wrong" b/c you don't think she has suffered enough "remorse" from hurting you (maybe it's more like regret, instead of remorse?) but if she understood how she truly sinned b/c she was still your W.....then she would have to feel ashamed and be remorseful?
It must make your wound hard to heal, if she doesn't think she's done anything wrong.

It's hard to forgive someone who doesn't realize just how much they are being forgiven of......right?

Is it important, to you, for her to realize the "amount" or "weight" or "value" of everything you are forgiving her? You want her to know everything on that list, right? And her A with OM is a huge part! I'm sure I would, if I were in your shoes.

So, what if she should suddenly see from your perspective? How would it change things for you? How would it change for her?

What if she would be completely overwhelmed with such remorse, grief, and self-hatred, that she was not able to function. She became so depressed that she could no longer sing with her beautiful voice? She could no longer face her children? She could no longer pull herself out of bed and face another day knowing what she had done to her H? Yes, she had your forgiveness, but she couldn't forgive herself?

It could happen. It might be a year or more from now but it could happen. If it does, then it means there will be another barrier to break through.

That's not what you want, is it? You just want her to see what all you have to forgive her for. You want her agree that she did a lot of "wrong" with OM.

I was so full of so many negative feelings that I couldn't feel remoreful--even though I knew I had done wrong! It took me a long time before I could humbly seek forgiveness from my H. Then I had to live with myself and what I'd done. Talk about triggers! I have had them, and the feelings are not good for the WS, either. But one day something made made my mind think of OM......but I couldn't remember his last name! Seriously! I caught myself trying to think of it....and then realized what I was doing. I didn't know if I should laugh (b/c he didn't mean anything) or cry (b/c I'm losing my memory)! I chose to just smile a little.

I believe one of the most loving and true forms of forgiveness...is when the one forgiven has no idea they've done anything wrong. You have this kind of forgiveness, Denver.

That is a great post Sandi. And I agree with all of it. In fact, I've put thought into a lot of those ideas long before W and I were really, truly working on piecing. It's how I'd like to do this. But... sometimes my brain gets in the way... I start thinking too much. Sometimes I just get it in my head that I need to be 'right'.

I'm working on it and have been much better the past several days.

Thanks for the thoughts Sandi. They are appreciated.

Denver