Newbie and ready for hard work

[dj21]

venting today...I found myself so sad this morning and then guilty because I am so sad. There are days that I feel so confident and strong and then there are days like today. I struggle to get my head around all of this, I spend my days concentrating and focusing on keeping busy. Reading every day in my DB and DR books and online here to keep myself aware of my behaviors. I feel as though I am fighting each day to do the opposite of my norm. I am so angry at my H, angry that I am having to handle the house and property on my own, angry that I am parenting on my own our six children still at home. He makes no attempt at seeing our children unless it's his weekend time, which is every other weekend. He has no responsibilities and just runs around with the OW to concerts, out of state trips, going out and it drives me insane. How on earth can a man walk away from a family and the daily responsibilities after 24 years. The Ow is 14 years younger, has children of her own, but her children are only with her on alternate weeks. So basically, they get to be single, for a full week at a time. Arrrg. I struggle daily, with wanting to go back to my attack mode, I want to make things difficult for him. There are things that our "temporary orders" state that he is required to do, such as pay certain bills and take our children for 3 weekends a month, instead of 2. He doesn't comply, but I have chosen to not push the issues in court, because I don't want a divorce, even though I filed. I have firmly told my attorney that I don't want to hold him in contempt. If he wants the divorce, he can push it through. I won't just sit back and not defend myself, my H has filed a motion that he wants to not pay maintenance, and that I should be working. This angers me, he wants to leave our family and only contribute a 1/4 of his income, when he was our families income earner. I want so badly to attack, I am sad, I am angry, but I also know that if I were to attack I would seal the deal. I would push us into and over the D fence and I don't want that. It is unbearable sometimes to even remember why I want to save my marriage, when the pain is so intense. I am terrified that I will act out during one of these moments and lose my focus. Our marriage is on my mind daily, I find myself thinking about things everyday...monitoring my actions and trying to recall the things that H complained about and change some. I read over and over, that the changes are for me, but my reality is that I want my changes for us as well. Rambling here because my mind is exhausted. Tomorrow marks a month of Db'ing and I am so worn out emotionally. My actions I have worked on-I have delivered our children to OW house for the month of July, stayed in the driveway being friendly and making eye contact (H responded well, conversed sometimes up to 10 min.) I have not CREATED a reason to contact H for 30 days. I have not reacted out of anger to H for 30 days. I have not responded or pushed our D proceedings out of anger. Trying to keep breathing.