Need help with detaching and hoping to reconcile.

[lillystillinlove]

Hard is an understatement. I did read HTIYMWTAI, it was very eye opening and it explains a lot of my behavior and H's, I'll be reading it again.

Control, at least what I can see as controlling on my part is a recent change in me. I have never in my life felt on such shaky ground and my fear about potential outcomes has me asking questions and requesting defined boundaries. Looking for stability from him. Once I read through DR and came to the board I was doing things like that daily. Since the help I've received here I have made extremely positive changes. I ask no questions and make no demands of H. Although I am disappointed by some of his choices (I'm allowed to do this if I don't comment, right?). I have been trying to live my life for my S and me. I try not to do anything that may seem spiteful but if it's taken that way I don't try to explain or make excuses. I am trying to not fall back into the "explanation/excuses" diatribe when we are in MC because of this board and everyone's help.

Anger, every time I feel anger well up inside of me, I try to temper it, to the best of my ability, by trying to remember his side and where his anger comes from. The HTIYMWTAI book really helped me better understand the unconscious thought process behind the anger. I can look back and can see how things happened and why logic from the conscious won't really help the situation.

Labug, yes I'm angry, the betrayal by my H and close friend (the OW) was crushing. The hate and anger that I feel about it can be overwhelming and all consuming, when we fight and I feel that way I can't remember things I've said, it's almost as if I black out. Fear and Shame are powerful feelings. I'm trying very hard to keep myself in check. If some comes out in my voice or my expression I can feeling and I try to look at his POV, under all the craziness, to calm my anger.

I've been trying to figure out how all of this got started, outside of my depression. I'm thinking shame from H and anxiety of isolation and being shut out on my side.

Up until recently (H got a 9-5 paycheck job and still does all the other stuff) and after H retired from the military, H's job was to maintain out rental properties for the last 10 years which really isn't a cash flow business, it was for our future, our retirement. I am/was the one that provides the monthly income that pays our bills and for our daily lives. H was teased, sometimes he made jokes himself, about "not having a job" by friends, family, and even me. That could be where his shame comes from because before that point his paycheck was bigger. Years ago he expressed the hurt and anger he felt from the teasing or rude comments, especially one woman that requested "help" with things in her home, did nothing and didn't pay my H as she stated she would( he basically did a remodel of her first floor except the kitchen). Since he told me how much it hurt him. I stopped the teasing (but occasionally I do slip to this day even, but not in his presence). But the damage was don't, a simple I'm sorry didn't cut it. He started pushing me away using all the classic self defense mechanisms mentioned in that book especially control, annoyance and shutting down and that's when my interest is sex started to slip and started us down this path. I think that is the underlying problem with us, we became entrenched in this way of life and didn't realize what was happening. Then layer all of the other crap on top of it, I'm wondering why we lasted this long too. I'm not using this as an excuse, just putting my thought down, trying to sort out why things happened.

I want to get to a point of sincere compassion for my H so I'm not angry anymore. That book has done wonders for my ability to understand myself and H. I'm starting to get the understanding part of compassion, now I need to figure out how to truly forgive him so I can move on from this place of anger.

I make mistakes everyday. I come here for guidance, to use you guys as a sounding board and to do things like this, sort out my thoughts. So, first need to get very good at not letting the crap spinning around in my head come out of my mouth. Then I need to improve my demeanor around him. Be a happier person in his presence. I need to continue to work on understanding, detaching, and figuring out how the forgive and make it stick.

Everyone that has chimed in on my sitch and all the other threads I've read have helped me put things into perspective. Thank you all for the help you have provided. I'm just getting out of the starting block on this journey so I'm sure I'll be here for a while. Thank you for being more patient with me than I am with myself and being willing to spell things out for me slowly.

No excuses
Remember what he is going through (the beginnings of compassion)
Detach
Breathe