I think that most people would tell you that it isn't good to have anger...
I would tell you otherwise. I think that anger is a normal emotion, and to refuse yourself of that, then it would be the same as refusing to allow yourself to be sad, or to be happy, or to love.
It comes from the way that we choose to deal with that anger that can change things. Your anger, is just. Other people may not view it as healthy, and may tell you to lose it. In reality, your anger right now, should be used as a shield. Against all of the crazy schidt that you will have to deal with. It should NEVER be used as a sword against her, or anyone else.
What are the things you do, to release that anger ???
I completely understand that you want to make her "feel" her decisions. I get that....
The only problem with that, is that YOU are not the one who gets to make that decision. Life will hand her all of the Lemons that she will need.
And if YOU ever feel as though you need to do something to help that along ? Yea, that plays right into the judgement thing that you are working through. The Superiority thing that you are working on. Nobody died and passed you the Moral Torch to carry....
I think that you are denying yourself the one thing that each of you needs the most right now....
TIME
And I think that no matter how much you push things, you aren't going to get to a place of healing until you can put the brakes on a little.
Inviting her over would be considered pursuing her right now. She made her choice to leave, yet you inviting her over, is enabling her , as you put it, "cake eating".
I think that you should recommend having a schedule written out for each of you. Post that schedule on a calender, somewhere that you can ALL see it, so that there are zero questions on what day is what.
Bottom line is, that yes, she made this choice for herself. Moving forward for your life is what you should be focusing on.
Emotions are REALLY HIGH on both ends of this right now, and you are making emotional decisions, based on your hurt, instead of rational decisions based on reality.
What I would recommend, is ...
-write out a schedule -take steps toward defining your role as a single Father -re-commit to your goals for yourself -re-commit to the work that you have been doing for yourself -Her time with the kids, should be happening at her new place. Not involving you leaving your home.
That is the reality for her.
And in no way, are you doing this to "hurt" her. You are simply living what has become your reality....
I have often referred to detachment as...
Doing the right things, regardless the reaction, not to induce a reaction....
In your decisions that involve the children, the FIRST thing you should be asking now is...
"Is this decision, what is best for the kids"
If the answer is no, then you should be stepping back and re-thinking things..
If the answer is yes, then you have your answer...
