a new perspective

[strongerthanever]

LIGHTBULB!!!!

I was just reading on someone else's sitch and realised that I am a TOTAL fixer!

This past Fri, when H briefly visited me at my desk, he complained about his babysitter. I use to use her as well, but as she was always angry and unreliable, I replaced her. H was complaining about her to me. Instead of validating and then getting out of the way, I tried to fix it and gave him the # to my sitter.

I also recall H talking about an upcoming surgery and complaining that he will have to "deal with it alone". I did not comment. He was living in the basement and at the time, involved with his high school girlfriend that was living in another state. I changed the ice in his machine, made him meals, did everything I could as a friend. I did not remind him of everything that I did last year. Just (mind reading, I know) figured that his "victim" mentality focused on the other areas of his recovery.

Wow, looking back I really see how I always held everything together for him, regardless of the way he treated me. I can see how the resulting resentment contributed to the building of my WAW mode. And yet here I am today, still picking up the pieces for him. Honestly I do it bc it hurts me to think that he would struggle with something. I need to stop beinging the rescuer. It isn't helping him at all.

There is a difference between having compassion for the pain that I caused him while in WAW mode and tollerating/enabeling/fixing. I need to be aware of my tendancy to fix his issues as it enables him to play the victim. I also need to make sure that my not-fixing behavior is not fueled by anger or any other negative emotion.

Hmmmm, new territory for me. Do any of the vets have any words of wisdom on this subject?