I ask the same questions 3KD? What happened to my happy little life and my future? If there was a problem why couldn't H just speak to me. In all honesty I have felt very unhappy many times during my marriage too but never acted on it. Now I realise what I have to lose and I don't like it.
Sounds like your W is just so overcome with the other problems in her life that she just hasn't got any emotional energy left to devote to you just yet. Stay lovingly in the background, be her friend, don't pressure her on the R stuff. Really i'm no expert but I read so many of other people's threads and the message is consistent throughout..yes it is so hard to implement, but it does make sense. She says she feels trapped. She is overwhelmed with grief. You say to love your W, then you must let her go and try to put yourself in her shoes.
It will take time, be her rock and her friend, but do it discreetly without any pressure and unconditionally.
I am I need of some advise tonight. We as a family went to visit my MIL today, as I said in previous post she is quite sick and likely does not have long to live. She thought that W had left to run to the store so she approached me, asked how I was doing and pretty much told me W could not know she talked with me. She told me that I'm a good husband and dad. That she is very concerned about W, that she and her sister, who Mil talked about our sitch against W wishes, believe that our witch is a product of all the other things W is dealing with. I. Owned the problems that I believe we're my part, but had to agreed with Mil acessment. W told her mom about me being stressed/seeming angry when I get home from work, and that I didn't do enough around house as her reasons for thinking about D. Mil told her that there were so many worse things and they didn't seem enough to want to D over. Mil has been D twice. W has also told mil that after BD that I asked to go to MC and W refused.
Forgot this .... W had not left yet .... Walked out down by lake, and I'm sure she saw us talking but has not said anything about it to me yet.
The heart of the talk was she thinks W doesn't know what she wants, Mil aked w in a phone conversation this week about her IC W tlod her she hadn't been in 2 weeks, we have been on vac together at home with 3 kids for theese 2 weeks. Mil asked W if I was seeing Ic she said no but she wished I'd do something....? Mil knows that I asked for Mc once, I've actually asked W 2x and been refused both times.she also knows that when W told me she was going to Ic that I asked/ suggested that I go to C also but W said she didn't see the use since I knew how I wanted to proceed whereas she didn't.
Mil wants me to ask W to go to MC again, if W doesn't wanna go then go myself. I do believe it's time for me to get some help I need to be strong... I am so scared for my kids they are possibly in for a double whammy.... Grandmothers death which will happen and possible breakup of what they concider to be a very happy family unit. I'm F'd....
I know this is long and I have alot more but I'll put this out there for now.
Well Is been awhile so I thought I’d update… Shortly after I started IC wife approached me to say she was now open to go see MC, not because she wanted our M to work but to see if it could work. Not as positive as I would like to hear but a baby step in the right direction I believe. Went to MC 2 times each time we had long R talk after later that night. After the second mc meeting talk she told me she wasn’t comfortable with that C. I said no problem, asked if she just wanted to stop MC altogether or find someone else? ( First C was really hard on her, or so she felt) she said she still wanted to go so I found another C, who by the way should have been the first choice, he’s one of the few pro marriage C around here. Things have improved since we have been going, they seem less tense and more friendly. Wife has said that part of her wants to fix us, another baby step. She laid out much clearer what the space she’s asking for is, this is no problem for me to give her. She has stated that even though it would be easier (take the decision to end the marriage off her) she doesn’t want me to quit of us, yet another baby step.
Sandi2 said this would be long road….she wasn’t kidding. W has noticed all the changes, shes actually commenting on them I haven’t pointed them out, but that’s double edged sword because at times they make her angry. W words where It pisses her off that now I’m trying to be 50/50 partner but she still see’s a deficit, as in her tank is empty and its going to take time to fill it up. Over all I feel much better with the direction our R is going but also kmow there is still lot of work to do.
Bond You maybe on to something there, now that's she's actualy having conversation With me it's something to put on the table. I don't know how I came across But I'm seeing progress in MC. She's willing to be willing and that's a huge step For her. There has been some flirting going on by both of us another step forward. She just isn't ready to jump in with both feet yet. As you see I'm only 5 months into this And some real progress is being made.
Dad, I can relate with your need to take charge in your marriage and be more assertive with your wife. It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep up the good job, I'm pulling for you!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY- Thanks I appreciate the support its good to know we’re not in this alone. I do need to take some control back, but that is no small feat as the WAS will fight this.
Journaling – It has been interesting few days. My W in the last few weeks has started to ask me for things. This is a major step forward as she had told me in previous conversations that see wouldn’t do this as it made her feel uncomfortable. She has asked for some small things like help with her moms house that is getting ready to be rented to a new tenant, which I gladly helped with. She has asked also for some fairly major things also. She wants us to buy a new car so she can save money on fuel, she drives a SUV now and the cars she’s considering would save a lot of money in gas. She also asked if I’d be ready to redo our kitchen, which has been a sore spot for her because she wanted to do this as far back as 2 years ago and I dropped the ball and didn’t run with it so to speak.
These are both good ideas and in principle I have no problem doing. The money is there to do both of these things. I am curious why someone considering divorce would want to undertake these things now, just seems to muddy the water if things progress to D. As I’ve stated in previous post if we do move to D then money would be a factor on both our part.
Also this past weekend my wife actually broke down emotionally to me and let me console her. The stress of what she’s going thru with her mom and bff, and us finally became too much for her to keep inside. I hugged her and held her and told her that we’d make it through this. I did ask her is I was overstepping by toughing her, as she told me before at this point she wasn’t comfortable with that, she said I wasn’t. She made a comment that she couldn’t control any of what was going on with them, I told her I knew and how much it must hurt not to be able too, and also told her what a great daughter and friend she was/is to them.
This to me seems to be real progress as in the past since BD she would never be vunerable or needy in front of me.
My Patience is key if more progress is to be made.
Also this past weekend my wife actually broke down emotionally to me and let me console her. The stress of what she’s going thru with her mom and bff, and us finally became too much for her to keep inside. I hugged her and held her and told her that we’d make it through this. I did ask her is I was overstepping by toughing her, as she told me before at this point she wasn’t comfortable with that, she said I wasn’t. She made a comment that she couldn’t control any of what was going on with them, I told her I knew and how much it must hurt not to be able too, and also told her what a great daughter and friend she was/is to them.
Wow, that sounds HUGE! That's really fantastic progress, congrats!! You handled it perfectly by not trying to fix her problems, but instead validating her emotions and filling her love tank with "words of affirmation" to boot. Job well done! I'd just caution you to not make a big move towards her but let her develop the pace. Remember the squirrel analogy, hold the food and let the squirrel come get it, if you make even the slightest move it'll run away and you start all over again. Good luck!
I haven't caught up with your thread, so what I will say is based on the information in your post......and on how most WAW's feel. Please don't look at this experience as progress in the MR. And for sure, don't expect her to act any closer, nicer, or loving, due to her allowing you to comfort her. She wanted somebody in her corner and you were there. What I'm saying is to be careful not to place any expectations on the fact that she had a weak moment. Here's where a lot of LBH's mess up. If you start acting all "happy-like".....it's going to tick her off and she'll start showing you how it's far from back to normal.
If you see where she's making slow steps toward you, then that's great, but this emotional breakdown and her letting you comfort her probably means nothing.
Progress cannot be based on her emotional moments. Just like you can't do that if she happens to be nice to you. It usually doesn't mean anything.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
