I'm a new person

[2chiquitos]

Why do I mess things up when they're good? Am I sabotaging my happiness? Am I afraid because I'm so vulnerable?

I brought up some stuff to H. Made the conversation turn into "poor me, you never understood me." when I had started out thinking, Oh I'm going to use this as an opportunity to let him know why I was so upset about xyz back then. I reverted to the old me, the pity party I enjoy having for myself.

So here goes,
I feel that he was only with me because I got pregnant. We were dating for a year. Went on a 3week vacation together. Had an ok time. He started pulling away. I got pregnant. He totally pulled away for a week. I think it's because he wanted to end the relationship but felt responsible. During my pregnancy he was very distant. S4 was born and almost died (twice). I focused so much on S4 that I didn't mind how much he neglected us. I held in my resentment. We had a good period for about a year before I got pregnant again. My pregnancy was awful! morning sickness, dizzy spells, etc. I was not a happy camper and I was always in a bad mood. (plus that resentment wasn't helpful). H pulled away and had an affair.

He did things with her, he would never do with me. Held her hand at the gym, kissed her in front of the gym members, sat next to her at restaurants, had her sit on his lap for pix, took pix of them kissing, wrote very thoughtful romantic emails.

And here I am. He continues to say how important it is that we get along to coparent. I don't feel to happy about my sitch. I feel like he's only here for the kids. Not me. But I should feel fortunate that my kids have a dad, right?

I'm in a sudden lousy mood. I gotta thought stop QUICK!!