When I said to the W that I'd instructed my L to slow things down she thought I was joking until I reminded her of my accident. The lady involved has certainly slowed my case against her down for the past year and probably another one.
Then she asked me if I wanted her to stay for a year.
You know I heart you, always have, always will, therefore, I say this with the best intentions... I want to smack you, hard.
Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing, has been done to ensure that this does not happen again. It happened three years ago, it is happening now, and it most likely will happen again.
The absolute second she asked if she had a home to come back to, you folded. She asked if you wanted her to stay for a year? You said yes?? (I smacked my forehead when I read this)
My friend if I was the cursing type, the words would be flying faster than I could type them. I can see this as clear as crystal... She wants a year to find a job, set up house somewhere else, and in the meantime live in your house, eat your food, spend your money, come and go as she pleases, and treat you like a doormat.
No one and I do mean no one, deserves to be treated as such.
Find your worth, here is a hint, it is not within her.
Find your "junk" so to speak.
She needs to know if she comes back, things have changed. If she comes back it is not for just "a year." If she comes back it is for good, better or worse. Some form of counseling has got to be in order.
Otherwise I will almost promise you, that you will find yourself back here within the year.
(((Hugs)))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Serenity I'm banging my head against the wall I promise you. I also promise you I've given her the following to read and digest. At first she just said "I've seen letters befor". Yes she's right. Truly pitiful ones with not one backbone to be seen.
It was on the floor when I went out for a while. It wasn't there when I got back. It was in her hands! And then her bag for later reference. Suprise. There's a weenie bit of what you said in there. Spot it?
I hope to heck I haven't gone overboard!
So you came home. And I was so happy. The hints you've been dropping over the last few weeks gave me so much hope. Home to talk. I thought it was about us. I thought it was about our future. And it was. Your future which just may be better if you took a huge chance and left. A chance that may have a new man your life.
You've had that twice before W. The first ended because of why? The second one took you for granted, had his way with you and laughed with all his friends as he told them all the stories about you. So will the third "new" one be better?
And now you're doing it again. Not me. You. You are the one that told your Advocate not to evict you. You are the one who needed to know if you had a home to come back to. You are the one that's so insecure. How do I know that won't happen in another three years? In the mean time you're happy to stay here, eat here, have cigarets bought for you, come and go as you please, everything laid on while you treat me like a doormat. Not funny W and not acceptable. Things have changed - years ago - by me while you make no changes until you want to. No one deserves to be treated like you're treating me. And I mean no one.
And you wanted to talk to me even though you say you've made your mind up. Somehow I don't think that's at all true otherwise you wouldn't have given me yet another chance to talk. You're waiting for me to say something that would make "the big difference". There's a few problems with this. You're never here. You didn't even come home last night. And I have no idea what is buzzing around in your head that I can possibly know about without you talking to me.
You asked me why didn't I talk to you when X told you the first time. And the second. And why didn't I "pick up" what you were thinking. I have no idea how in Gods name things would have changed if I had.
You went to a safe place to think things through. With our Ma (yes she's mine as well). To think about what to do. Just ten short days ago you still weren't sure that you were doing the right thing. You told me that a few hours ago. Should you stay or should you go. A simple question with just two possible answers. Yes/no. I was praying you'd make the right decision. I thought you'd be asking everyone you knew what you should do. Because it's obvious that you just didn't know yourself. Yes/no. One being a uncertain future. You are the one who is so very unsure again.
I know you've had hidden expectations of me. You must feel betrayed because I haven't done what you expected me to do. If you can put that hurt aside I'm hoping you'll realize I just didn't know what you were crying out for.
Money - you're so right that it hurts to have to ask. I've done it twice with our friend X, a big one with X and a loan with Xbank. All those I would rather have not done. You are in a much worse position than that. We'd have to sort this out some way.
Needs - I've been very VERY bad about providing you with your needs simply because it's taking all of my energy and attention just keeping the house running.
W the last time this happened it took three long months before you came back home. I had nothing to do with your decision. In fact going through some old stuff I can tell you it was while you were with X at the barrel (food outlet) that you decided you were wrong. I can even tell you word for word the text messages you sent to me. You did it all yourself. So did I write this? You bet I did.
GAL - going to organize staying overnight somewhere on Friday and/or Saturday (nothing to worry about guys). The W can if she wants. So it's up to her to look after the doglets
I would have strongly advised you NOT to give her that letter. To me, it smacks of "pursuit," and comes across -- despite your attempt at at new "take-no-nonsense" attitude -- as weak, wordy and supplicating.
It's made a big difference in her attitude (see three posts above this one)
W is Afrikaans speaking so weak, wordy and supplicating doesn't really do justice to how she would read it. A shock definitely went through the system.
She also seems to be in the last stages of "stay away" based on three yeas ago. Rather than apathy there seems to be a germ or annoyance which, believe me, is a good sign. Finally digging herself out of the depression. And when that's settled I'll have to figure out how to get it treated.
W is Afrikaans speaking so weak, wordy and supplicating doesn't really do justice to how she would read it.
I don't understand what you mean here. Even if someone is from another culture, and would use different words than I do, the concepts and dynamics are the same.
Maybe it's just me. I'll be anxious to see what Serenity and others think of it. Just be sure not to definite "positive" by how she reacts, short-term. You're looking for consistent moves on her part back towards the marriage.
While the letter was basically what I was saying, I would have to agree with Starsky in not sending it, however, you can't undo what has been done.
Her coming home (instead of the pub or a friends house) and making you a cup of coffee is not reflective of a shock to the system.
Her stuff being packed by the front door when she walked in, would have been a shock to the system. You standing firm in not wanting her to come back, until you guys had a chance to sit down and iron some things out, would have been a shock to the system.
You are allowing your heart, your fear, and your emotions to lead you, and I am sorry but she is taking advantage of you being a "nice-guy" and is milking that for all it is worth.
I don't see anything positive here, in my opinion, I see a woman who knows she can do whatever she wants, treat you as badly as discarded trash, hang with questionable friends at the pub, and come back home when the mood strikes her fancy...
Why?
Because she knows you will accept it.
If you do not take this chance to work on the dynamic between the two of you, as well as work on being a better person because of this situation, you may as well just continue to hit the replay button for the rest of your marriage.
You are my friend and I will not dumb it down for you, this is the same thing I would say to someone I know, as well as someone I do not know.
You know why?
Because this is how I was taught, and I am a better person for it... Without him.
(((((Hugs)))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
What am I to do? Frightened to to do anything and frightened not to.
Serenity - you say "If you do not take this chance to work on the dynamic between the two of you....". Do you actually SEE a chance?
Must I pack her stuff - against her Attorneys instructions not to evict her?
It was bad enough last night when she asked me to buy food for us and I said no. She just said "this won't look good on you as far as the Attorney will see".
She was a bit knocked sideways when I came home with a Pitza and nothing for her. And then I showed her what I'd already bought on Saturday in the fridge for us both. Sorry guys - should have listened to you and if I had then I'd be in the dog house and the poo.
Serenity - she WASN'T like this when she was employed. This is a direct result of the company going bust. She's NOT normally like this. She wasn't when I met her either. But she IS taking her problems out on me. How can I guide her into seeing where the problem actually does lie? If she'd walked out and stayed with "friend" that would give her plenty on personal time without me being in the background.
I've also got another problem. I just can't be spontaneous in talking. It helps to put things in writing. But there too I forget important things that I'd thought just a few minutes ago. This damn bump is playing havoc!
I know I need to work on ME. I understand that's what the W see's. But it's so so hard. A grind.
I keep refering to my thread from years ago when I saw a happy Mac. Happy in my progress. Happy in the W's progress.
And yes I understand I dropped the ball but dammit - the W saw that bit in the letter.....
Things have changed - years ago - by me while you make no changes until you want to.
Bummer and now at a total TOTAL loss as to what to do. Because I got it wrong. No aims. No guidance. Just a stack of - you shouldn't have done that
No matter how kindly that was said Serenity. Depression looms.
Hard to tell someone to leave when you legally can't. Hard to wait 24 hours for a reply when things are happening here and now - in the day when the rest of the planet sleeps. Hard to talk when your head's damaged. Everything is so damn hard.
