I'm so angry right now and I have to get this out while it's on my mind or I'll forget it. I just got home from being with the kids at their summer sporting event. My W decided to actually show up for the last half, but that besides the point. After the game, the area was very crowded and I happened to be on a conference call, which was nice because it meant that I didn't have to speak to my W at all after the game. That's another issue.....
Two things happened.
1 - I failed again. I saw her looking at me out of the corner of my eye and I was refusing to acknowledge her. I couldn't bring myself to look at her and the more I struggled with it the angrier I got that I couldn't bring myself to do it.
2 - I moved out of the area because my work was asking me questions and I needed it to be more quiet. I saw S12 and asked him to hurry and bring me S6's equipment bag because I had to go ( the kids were going home tonight with their mom anyways ). I looked up and saw him coming out of the locker room and the look on his face tore me apart. He was wearing a face of urgency. He was trying to keep his mom and I away from each other. I saw it. I know I'm doing this and I don't know how I can make it stop or when.
I want to yell at the top of my lungs but I'm stuck on a conference call still and I never trust the mute button! I'm FUDGING things up so bad!!!
I find out I have cancer right after my W tells me she's moving out. The one person I could trust to be there for me and express my level of fear has left me because she hates me. I don't want people feeling sorry for me and she's the only one that knows that, so I suffer by not telling anyone that I care about. I don't have all the answers, I don't know if it's terminal yet. I just know I can't tell tell anyone that knows my W and I can't tell my family because we just watched my aunt pass away from ovarian cancer back in April. I don't want to send people in a panic until I have the answers I need from testing I won't get for another 2 weeks.
This is why I don't care what my W does to me. She can't do anything worse than she already has. It's also why money means nothing to me, because life is more important and in the grand scheme of things, bitter disputes become nothing more than trivial nonsense.
I'm so angry, because for the first time in my life, I can't hide my pain and suffering. She knows me too well and I don't have enough respect for her to tell her, because I don't believe for a second that she would be there for me the way I need her to be. She's not the person I'd known for years. I can't look at her and reveal that there's anything wrong so instead I look like I'm P.O.'ed.
