Here I go. This is my 2nd post. I hope I'm in the right forum this time.
Could use your advise/straight talk/feedback.
My divorce has been final for a month now. I'm still having such a hard time coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is over. Although the divorce was something I agreed to, I'm still feeling SO MUCH pain! I wish my love for him stopped the moment the divorce was final!
It doesn't help that he calls (at his convenience) to come see the kids. I don't want to deny him or the boys from seeing each other, but I have contemplated to only let him see them during his court appointed time, but I feel so guilty.
I know I have to let go, but how do I make myself stop being this foolish/naive?! I know rationally how I should feel, but my heart still loves him. I know it sounds pathetic...I even get mad at myself for feeling this way. Again, after all the things that he has put me through (w/ OW). I've felt every feeling imaginable, but yet a part of me longs for the man I loved. It's hard for me to accept that he has become this narcisist. I take responsibility of my actions/or lack thereof which contributed to our dimise. But I never once looked for comfort in another man.
I don't want to ramble on here. I hope you get my feeling of disperation. I know I need to GAL, but I feel guilty leaving the boys home (although they are old enough and they even encourage me to get out).
How can I see him for what he is NOW? Why do I keep holding on to some hope that we will miraculously put our family back together again. Lord knows we've worked very hard to get to the point we were in about 2 years ago. We met when we were just starting out our military careers. We've both finally retired recently and this is where we end up?
I've read the 37 rules over and over...but it somehow escapes me from applying it in my life... This is by far the HARDEST thing I've EVER gone through and I've been through quite a bit.
Thanks for listening and hope you can help me understand. I truly appreciate your feedback.
