If She Won't Stop the Affair?

[robb]

Starsky, I'd like to hear some more of your thoughts on PEAs love lust brain addiction

[Starsky309]

Robb, can you be more specific? Maybe start a new thread, so we don't hijack this one?


Starsky

[DaddyLongShanks]

Robb, can you be more specific? Maybe start a new thread, so we don't hijack this one?


Starsky

I believe he's trying to point you in the direction of what your going to be up against.

I mean how can you tell someone they can't love who they love? They "feel" exactly how they "feel", however you may be able to have a third party be able to explain to them, that this is exactly how it feels. Also to discuss the impact of the damage they have caused and that affairs have a very low rate of success as primary relationships, that the affair can be "successful" as long as you are willing to stand in as a crutch, discounting the significant pain and loss of esteen it will make you feel.

[wont_stop]

All,

I hate to write this one. But I've reached a breaking point this weekend. I can no longer live with the conniving, lying person my WW has become.

I went to be on my own this weekend, planning to stay overnight camping. My wife ended up not only staying out all night that evening, but also Friday night and Monday night. She has been home over the weekend for a grand total of two hours Saturday morning, and that only because I was worried and called her that morning.

Then I discover she went with her lover to the beach and stayed there Saturday and Sunday. This is the week I look forward to every year to be alone with my wife and away from the kids, but she went with him on a vacation.

I can no longer stand this and feel I am just an enabler of her actions. I am planning on separating from her. I know that I should stick it out for another three months, but I just cannot do this knowing what happened. I feel like I'm failing the DB system, but it has reached a tipping point. I do not believe that she has any interest in saving our marriage, and my actions appear to make her be free to move further away, not closer.

[Nblost]

In my opinion, DB-ing does not mean enabling or living with behavior you can't and shouldn't tolerate. If you feel like you are enabling her, you likely are. And, as long as a cheating spouse is enabled...in my opinion, they'll continue the affair. Why not?

Separate, focus on yourself, let her go. Keep your interactions pleasant and focused on the kids.

This could be the quickest way to wake her up. Hang in there and don't feel like you've given up. You don't deserve this disrespect.

[kenva]

Wow, sounds like what I am going thru. It's hard when she is out and I know she is with the OM, and I am home with our son. I have tried to stay away from her at home, giving her space, enjoying our son after daycare, just the 2 of us. I make plans for son and I one day a weekend, and the other night I go out. I have been doing that alot lately. The other day she made a comment to our son that daddy is a party animal now.
I pray for you, me and everyone else in this situation. No one deserves this type of pain.

[MrBond]

"I feel like I'm failing the DB system,"

DBing means to do the things that work. If what you're doing isn't working, then putting your foot down and reclaiming yourself might be the thing to do.

[Starsky309]

All,

I hate to write this one. But I've reached a breaking point this weekend. I can no longer live with the conniving, lying person my WW has become.

I went to be on my own this weekend, planning to stay overnight camping. My wife ended up not only staying out all night that evening, but also Friday night and Monday night. She has been home over the weekend for a grand total of two hours Saturday morning, and that only because I was worried and called her that morning.

Then I discover she went with her lover to the beach and stayed there Saturday and Sunday. This is the week I look forward to every year to be alone with my wife and away from the kids, but she went with him on a vacation.

I can no longer stand this and feel I am just an enabler of her actions. I am planning on separating from her. I know that I should stick it out for another three months, but I just cannot do this knowing what happened. I feel like I'm failing the DB system, but it has reached a tipping point. I do not believe that she has any interest in saving our marriage, and my actions appear to make her be free to move further away, not closer.

Lord knows I'm all for a strong stand, WS, but I'm confused. You start your post by saying "I went to be on my own this weekend, planning to stay overnight camping," but then you say "Then I discover she went with her lover to the beach and stayed there Saturday and Sunday. This is the week I look forward to every year to be alone with my wife and away from the kids, but she went with him on a vacation."

Were you planning on being with her this weekend, or away by yourself?


Starsky

[wont_stop]

I was planning on being on my own Saturday. I just did not think she would take advantage of it to such an extent. I would understand her staying overnight on Saturday, but Monday and Friday too? I only planned on being away Saturday into Sunday morning. I was home all day Sunday, and she was off at the beach with him. I go to work on Monday and she is not there. Then she takes him to a place our family goes.

[chatterbug]

That is disrespectful. But I would expect no less from an Enabled WW in an active affair.

Did this affect your children in any way? ( I know it did not because they were away )

Did she miss out on meeting any commitments?

If not.

Then use this memory as a thought of strength for those moments you have fear or you feel your not in control.

Its a dark thought. But it will be a thought that can help you push through some difficult moments when you need some backbone or strength.

This was a planned event from the get go.

This is the disrespect that I have been talking about.

You see it only does one thing. It builds resentment. Your resentment.

She will continue down this path because she feels entitled to.

So you need to review if this crossed any boundaries.

If it did you need to follow through.

As the pattern will continue with no reason to change.

So remove yourself from it.

I do not mean move out. I mean record what happened. And move forward.

No R talks.

Nothing. No engaging. Enforce your boundaries and own your home.

There will be many more of these events coming up. I call them twisting of the dagger. Very disrespectful moments.

Your goal is to not to turn to hate. But to pity. Morn the woman she once was not the woman she became.

For these are all her choices.

Her's alone.

Work on yourself.

Make your plans.

Enact them.

Stop sitting around depressed waiting for your wife to dictate your life.