Should I initiate R talk?

[Arsene]

Thanks for your words Roughenough,

I sure don't feel like I'm doing a great job most of the time. Like you, my sitch seems to ambush me every so often, when I least expect it, when I'm trying to GAL, out of no where, I feel my stomach tighten and physical pain in my heart and then I get on the edge of tears, and can't focus on what I was doing anymore. Sometimes, if I'm out, i look for a public toilet and lock myself in just to let it out. Sometimes it feels better, other times, the pain stays. I also have a hard time acting "as if" but I guess this is work in progress.

This site is also saving my butt. The whole "counter-intuitive" thing is just that. Counter-intuitive. Tough stuff to maintain but every day I come here and read sitches and advice and remind myself what I have to do. Now i just need to get myself a copy of DB/DR.

I'm sorry to hear about your D8. Is she with you or with your S? Mine is with me and she seems ok, when W is not around. We have a good old time and this is bringing us closer than we ever were. I'm always respectful of W and try to put on a brave face but D8's no fool and often tell me stuff like:

Her - Are you thinking about mommy?
Me - Why do you ask?
Her - You look sad.

When she asks, or when she feels sad and talks about her mom, I tell her to be strong and to be patient. I tell her that her mom needs some time to herself right now because she needs to work some things out. I also tell her that I too, miss her very much and that I love her very much.

She also keeps a good eye on me. Sometimes, when she senses that there is a situation where I might lose it (not R related) she'd tell me that maybe I should go do my meditation (something I started 2 months ago to 180 my anger issues).

The problem is when W is around, suddenly D8 starts acting overly happy, talks non-stop, talks "baby-talk" and stops listening to what I say. She tends to be more rambunctious.

She sometimes has nightmares, usually about her mom leaving her forever and although this has stopped since I've been back in the country, she used to have twitches where she'd scratch her arms uncontrollably or hit herself when she felt upset. A few of her comments also show that she sometimes feels guilty for this and I often reassure her that this has nothing to do with her and that her mom and I just need a bit of time alone.

I'm really thankful for Avinda's support. She's been an angel through the last tough few days and her advice was invaluable.

Thanks for dropping by Roughenough. It's great to be able to share this burden with someone who understand what I'm going through. I'll look in on you soon.

Cheers!