Thread #8 - It's time.

[Navyguy]

Well, here I am. Back from EE.

It was an amazing experience - hard, painful, exhausting, but amazing.

I really got a lot out of it...and I did gain clarity on what I need to do. And it is the same thing you all have been telling me for a long time. And what I need to do is to continue toward a respectful separation with W.

I don't have to like it, or be ok with it, but it is what I have to do so I can be happy again and take care of myself.

I know that my M has been dead...for at least 3 years, probably longer. And the entire time, I have been attending it's funeral, crying for it, staring at it, and hoping it would pop back up to life. That's not going to happen. It's time to grab my shovel, and start the process of burying my M.

That starts tomorrow. Our first appt. with our C to discuss how we're going to separate is tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to it. I will be strong, I will be brave. I will listen to W, and I will be respectful of her...I will be her friend, and I will love her unconditionally...but I am done trying to change her mind.

If we have any R talks, I will listen, I will validate, and I will comfort her.

So, tomorrow I will be on the road to separation. It [censored]...but it's reality.

Still getting lots of confusing signs from W. I called on the way home last night to talk to the kids, but I ended up talking to W for over a half hour. I even asked to talk to the kids, but she kept the conversation going. We haven't talked on the phone that long in ages.

When I got home last night (around 11), W and D6 were still awake (she wanted to wait for me). D6 attacked me as soon as I walked in the door. It was awesome.

I don't know how it started, but W and I ended up on the couch watching olympics. She had gotten into an discussion with a friend about gymnastics, and wanted to show me a video. So I moved over next to her and watched it, and then listened to her talk about gymnastics for about 20 minutes.

Then we went outside. I decided to have a celebratory cigar for completing EE. W and I kept talking about gymnastics and then moved on to other topics. Eventually she asked about EE, and I told her the same thing I wrote above. (hard, exhausting, painful, yet amazing) Then she asked about one of my experiences. I told her about it, and I think she was pretty shocked at what I did. She said she was really happy that I enjoyed it and really happy that I thought it was worthwhile.

Then she started talking about separating. I didn't really want to talk about it...so I just listened to her. She is scared...really scared. The two things she mentioned were finding a job and losing friends.

Then she mentioned how Hawaii BFF hasn't been calling her much anymore. But they talked the other day, and I think W told her we were planning to start figuring out separating. Hawaii BFF told W that she is both of our friends and that W or I could call her anytime and she would be there for us. W feels that Hawaii BFF is distancing herself from W...and then she started crying.

I didn't say anything...I just felt so much sympathy for her. Then I stood up and asked if I could give her a hug. She stood up and we hugged for a long time. I told her that everything was going to be ok.

We sat back down and talked a bit more, but by then it was about 1:45, and I got up to go to bed.

So, tomorrow will be hard. No doubt. And I'm not ok with losing my M. I probably won't be for a long time. And that is ok.

But...I'm moving.