Needing some guidance... 5

[jks]

But after DB and seeing so much and accepting so much of my role and also slowly turning the passive aggressiveness into released compassion, it has only been since then did I start to feel better. Acting as if is hard, but at the end of the day, I can sleep better.

galing can be challenging ( and I still don't do enough of it), but it makes a difference in how we perceive our days...how we approach our days.


None of the other stuff pre-db, ever made me feel better. In fact it deteriorated my self- esteem, confidence and I really felt like a failure. None of the other stuff ever made me feel like I had some control over what seemed like a life that was spiralling out of control.

busting, something that has hit me that you said, acting "as if" is hard but at at the end of the day, I can sleep better. In those moments of emotional turmoil, if I can turn them around by taking a timeout for myself and not confronting H and his family that will serve me so much better than trying to tell them all off for my own personal satisfaction. It doesn't feel better later. And if I can be happy and playful while around H, I can see how that will change his attitude about me. He sees me as nothing but an angry woman who he thinks probably hates him right now... who wants to stay married to that?

You're right, it does make you feel like you're losing control. And everything around you starts to feel like it's falling to pieces. As I look back I can see how very true this is. You've come so far, busting, and everything you said makes perfect sense. Thank you so much for posting to me. It helps a lot!

[reachingHigher]

jks, how is today going? Are you by yourself? How is your courage?

[jks]

RH, I haven't seen my H for a week. Saw him today and tried so hard to put my happy face on. I seriously have to do a self-siking out routine before he comes every time. I tell myself... you are happy, you are ok, and he is missing out, not you. And I did it... I was nice and didn't linger and came back inside and cried.

I want so badly to not care. I've decided that I really need to plan things for myself every Sunday night. These nights seem to be the worst. So tonight I'm going to a friend's house to have dinner with her and her family and watch a movie.

Last night I went to a comedy club and went dancing with a girl friend of mine. I've never been to a comedy club before so that was super interesting and fun and I haven't gone dancing in 10 years. It felt good and scary to get out there again. Men at clubs are like vultures. It's pretty entertaining to watch. Ha.

I had a few guys that were interested in me and they were not too shabby if I'm being honest. Club going guys are typically not my thing though. So I just take it for what it is. However, I did give my number to one guy. I really doubt he will call. I can only imagine what guys are thinking when I tell them I'm currently separated with three kids. He said he likes kids a lot and was actually a nanny at one point for three years. That was kind of refreshing to hear. You don't hear that from a lot of guys at clubs. But I still don't know that I'm really ready to be hanging out with men on that level.

I did actually see an old High School friend there and danced with him a little. When he was leaving he grabbed my face and kissed me. Just a peck. But I was thrown for a loop. I just stood there and didn't know what to do. I'm lame... LOL... I know this. But I'm not out to hookup with anyone or kiss anyone right now. It just very much took me by surprise.

This week, my mom and her H are taking me and my two older kids camping in their 5th wheel. It will be super fun. We plan to take our bikes and ride some trails and do some fun hikes and hopefully swimming. H will be keeping the baby for the whole week. That actually will probably be really fun for him. I'll miss her.

So there's my little update. I'm trying my hardest to GAL and stay busy. I've been trying to do a lot of reading lately too. My current book is called Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way. Very enlightening and explains a lot of the reasons why human beings experience anger. It is there for a reason. The key is to use it for the positive.

There are some really great specific things you can do from the book that can help you change the way you handle your anger. I will elaborate more on this in another post. Gotta go to dinner... have a good night all.

Thanks for checking in with me, RH. Hope you're doing well.

[gr8 day 2B alive]

Jks.
Glad you went out and had some fun with a girl friend.
I'm also glad that you had some men come up to you. Didn't it feel nice?
People are attracted to fun, happy people. If you were sitting in a booth having a drink looking down, I bet no men would have come over to you. ( some would but you wouldn't like them. )

Continue taking care of yourself.
Someones tag line here years ago was;
When the pain of where you're becomes greater than the fear of where you're going, a change will occur.

[jks]

Thanks, gr8. Yes, it did feel good to get some attention. The best part about talking with this guy is that his personality was very endearing. He made me feel very confident about myself and I was being 100% me. Sometimes it's hard to find people like that. It made me realize that there are people out there that could "get" me in a totally different way than H was ever able to and it could be just as fulfilling.

This guy did text me last night. I was surprised. We had a great conversation and then this morning he "friended" me on FB. I have not accepted and don't know if I will. Things are so different these days. FB is such an open book for people to check out who you are without even talking to you first. Having children and everything I'm going through... I don't think I can go there. Plus, I think he's pretty young. That's also a new one. Never had to deal with that before. Weird.

[reachingHigher]

jks, comedy club and dancing sound really fun. I'm glad you were able to do it. After expending so much emotional energy on our sitches, it is a shock when someone else pays attention to us!

Sounds like for now not going on FB with this new acquaintance is a good idea.

Also planning things for Sunday would be smart. I'm reading the "dance of anger" And it sounds similar to the book you are reading.

You are sounding much more logical and grounded. I think that awful experience of seeing H & OW is fading and you are working to improve yourself.

I hope the camping is going well. I think of you often. (((jks)))

[ces67]

Hi Jks,

Glad you had fun! Just want to point out something. Its not meant to be a 2x4, just an awareness thing. Here's what you wrote...

it did feel good to get some attention. The best part about talking with this guy is that his personality was very endearing. He made me feel very confident about myself and I was being 100% me. Sometimes it's hard to find people like that.

Just remember that no one should have the power to make us feel certain ways, good or bad. Choose this for yourself. I may be reading too much into this, and I certainly understand how refreshing it feels when someone pays attention to me in a kind way.

Again, not a 2x4 but rather just a little whisper to remind you that while its great to enjoy good company, happiness and confidence come from inside you. Don't assume you have to be with certain people to be who you want to me. You are strong enough to be yourself regardless!

Hope you have a great day!

[gr8 day 2B alive]

it did feel good to get some attention. The best part about talking with this guy is that his personality was very endearing. He made me feel very confident about myself and I was being 100% me. Sometimes it's hard to find people like that.

Just remember that no one should have the power to make us feel certain ways, good or bad. Choose this for yourself. I may be reading too much into this, and I certainly understand how refreshing it feels when someone pays attention to me in a kind way.

Again, not a 2x4 but rather just a little whisper to remind you that while its great to enjoy good company, happiness and confidence come from inside you. Don't assume you have to be with certain people to be who you want to me. You are strong enough to be yourself regardless!

couldn't agree more.

That was my thoughts when reading too.
Other people don't make you feel a certain way. it comes from within.

As for the FB thing, DO NOT get invovled with that gargage.
Anything you post on there or become friends with can be used against you.

[labug]

^^^agree with ces.

[jks]

Thanks, ces. You're very right. I appreciate you bringing that to my attention.

Last night was a hard night. I went to H's parent's house to pick up my two older children and was hoping that D1 would be awake so that I could say good-bye to her. H told me she was asleep downstairs but I could go see her. I told him I didn't want to go inside. He said, there isn't anyone in there. I stood there for a while debating whether I should. It doesn't really matter that no one was in there, it's more the memories that his parent's house holds for me. I did end up going in because I couldn't imagine going all this time without seeing her. When I got downstairs I opened the door to H's room and she woke up and immediately put her hands out to me to pick her up and started crying.

She was really whiny and wouldn't stop crying and I was trying to get her to go back to sleep. All the while I'm standing in H's bedroom and looking at his bed wondering if him and OW have had sex there. This is hard. This house was like a 2nd home to me and now I'm not a part of it at all. It's been so contaminated with this woman and I am now the outsider. I'm realizing its not healthy for me to go there anymore. Even just outside in the driveway. It's really hard.

H came inside and was trying to help me with D1. It was so strange to be with him and trying to take care of her because he left me when she was 6 months old so I don't really know him as her father. And, yet, at the same time it felt good to be parents together even if it was for a couple minutes. I know I said this before that I'm not in love with him but when I'm around him like this I realize that I do really still love him. I'm still so drawn to him and still feel very much like he's my H even with all this time apart. I thought for a while that I couldn't really see us getting back together and now I know that all I want is for our family to come back together more than anything. And I know my kids long for it too. They tell me all the time.

The whole interaction at his parent's was weird. Somewhat cold. I had so much on my mind and I could tell he did too but both of us weren't saying anything. There was a lot of tension. And it was like he was trying to move me along my way. I hate that feeling. I was trying to say good-bye to D1 but she kept crying and only reaching for her daddy. Kinda made me sad especially since I won't see her until next Monday.

I left with my other two kids and balled the entire way home. My kids kept asking me why I was crying and I just kept saying, I'm just sad. I couldn't stop crying. I got home and the kids ran inside to say hi to my mom and her H. And I left and went for a walk and continued to cry. It's been almost a year of this and I feel the same way I did when he left me. That is not encouraging.

So I had my DB coaching session last night and it helped a lot. She did a really great exercise where she asks me questions as if I was my H. She even called me by H's name and had me pretend that I was him answering. It was quite interesting the affect it had on me. After we were done, she read back to me everything I said. It was eye-opening. I could feel my H's pain. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and felt sorry for him. I had more compassion for him and what he's been going through. After the session was over, I decided to text my H and explain to him that what I've been going through has been very traumatizing for me. I've never been through this before and I continue to make mistakes but I want to be on good terms. I want to ease the tension between the two of us.

It was late when I sent it and I haven't heard back from him but I feel like it will be a way for me to start anew with him. I have so much hurt and resentment from the day I went over to his house and OW was there chatting on the couch with his family. This is my way of trying to move past that. That way when I see him my interactions won't be fake. I'm sure he can tell.

Anyhow, our trailer is all packed up and we are headed out the door to do some fun camping and site seeing for the rest of this week and I'm excited to take a break from all of this. Have a good week everyone!