Serenity I'm banging my head against the wall I promise you. I also promise you I've given her the following to read and digest. At first she just said "I've seen letters befor". Yes she's right. Truly pitiful ones with not one backbone to be seen.
It was on the floor when I went out for a while. It wasn't there when I got back. It was in her hands! And then her bag for later reference. Suprise. There's a weenie bit of what you said in there. Spot it?
I hope to heck I haven't gone overboard!
So you came home. And I was so happy. The hints you've been dropping over the last few weeks gave me so much hope. Home to talk. I thought it was about us. I thought it was about our future. And it was. Your future which just may be better if you took a huge chance and left. A chance that may have a new man your life.
You've had that twice before W. The first ended because of why? The second one took you for granted, had his way with you and laughed with all his friends as he told them all the stories about you. So will the third "new" one be better?
And now you're doing it again. Not me. You. You are the one that told your Advocate not to evict you. You are the one who needed to know if you had a home to come back to. You are the one that's so insecure. How do I know that won't happen in another three years? In the mean time you're happy to stay here, eat here, have cigarets bought for you, come and go as you please, everything laid on while you treat me like a doormat. Not funny W and not acceptable. Things have changed - years ago - by me while you make no changes until you want to. No one deserves to be treated like you're treating me. And I mean no one.
And you wanted to talk to me even though you say you've made your mind up. Somehow I don't think that's at all true otherwise you wouldn't have given me yet another chance to talk. You're waiting for me to say something that would make "the big difference". There's a few problems with this. You're never here. You didn't even come home last night. And I have no idea what is buzzing around in your head that I can possibly know about without you talking to me.
You asked me why didn't I talk to you when X told you the first time. And the second. And why didn't I "pick up" what you were thinking. I have no idea how in Gods name things would have changed if I had.
You went to a safe place to think things through. With our Ma (yes she's mine as well). To think about what to do. Just ten short days ago you still weren't sure that you were doing the right thing. You told me that a few hours ago. Should you stay or should you go. A simple question with just two possible answers. Yes/no. I was praying you'd make the right decision. I thought you'd be asking everyone you knew what you should do. Because it's obvious that you just didn't know yourself. Yes/no. One being a uncertain future. You are the one who is so very unsure again.
I know you've had hidden expectations of me. You must feel betrayed because I haven't done what you expected me to do. If you can put that hurt aside I'm hoping you'll realize I just didn't know what you were crying out for.
Money - you're so right that it hurts to have to ask. I've done it twice with our friend X, a big one with X and a loan with Xbank. All those I would rather have not done. You are in a much worse position than that. We'd have to sort this out some way.
Needs - I've been very VERY bad about providing you with your needs simply because it's taking all of my energy and attention just keeping the house running.
W the last time this happened it took three long months before you came back home. I had nothing to do with your decision. In fact going through some old stuff I can tell you it was while you were with X at the barrel (food outlet) that you decided you were wrong. I can even tell you word for word the text messages you sent to me. You did it all yourself. So did I write this? You bet I did.
