A Huddle of Turtles

[zig]

so many things yesterday and so much to learn...

yesterday the universe gave me a chance to see what happens when i just chill and trust!!

i was doing well when i woke up, but then suddenly mid-morning, i found myself getting really worked up about sil and her gf and kid coming. i had placated myself thinking that s would be with me that week, and so i could have some "control" over the situation, but then i realized that he was with h during those days if we stuck t our schedule and there was no reason not to stick to it.

so what i had thought i had resolved surged up again and after talking to my friend, or rather sobbing it - i came to what was really at the bottom of this. i can't control what h does in terms of ow in s's life, and instead i am trying to transfer that onto the sitch with sil, because there i know i can be "brave enough" to stand my ground.

so admitting that openly to myself and friend, made it more clear that once again i need to really let go and be at peace with not having any say in this matter.

i am so lucky that i have this friend - she helps me so much to see the truth of things, but in the most gentle way possible - never makes me feel bad about how i feel, but instead allows me to come to the awareness and changes on my own with gentle prodding.

often when things feel really difficult i found myself having the most impeding thoughts - like wow i must have really f'ed up somewhere down the line to be handed this on my plate.

now - i am changing that way of thinking to saying: wow, i must have really done something good back there to deserve having all this wonderful support and love and friendship around me:)

so right after that, while i was still not quite back in a good state, h called and wanted to stop by. his new thing - gives me the impression he's coming later in the day - but then calls hours earlier and says he needs to come right then, and would it be okay?

so i'm learning to take that as an opportunity to learn to be more flexible - and really to find out that i am detached enough that i don't need to mentally "prepare" for the interactions as i used to. my first thought was, why right now, i need time to "recover", but then realized that i was okay and his presence here didn't affect me one way or the other

i went to check my email and there was a message from the woman who's offered me a job and she was asking if she could stop by for us to meet. and i thought - there we go - the universe just told me what it is i need to really focus on here - and right when i am feeling down and despondent, here's a little gift for me to remind me that i am surely going to be okay

it went well - he and s were here for almost an hour - messing around - i did a really unexpected 180 which i didn't know i was ready for.

when h comes over and stays for more than a few minutes - he always goes and gets one of my cigarettes and goes out on the back deck. i always follow him out there!

yesterday when they arrived, i was just about to go out for a smoke and then decided to wait, so by the time h went out i was dying for one. but instead i just stayed inside with s. i know he really noticed - that's the first time i ever did that!! also the night before - at in-laws when he came from the airport - i never went out to smoke - would usually have gone at least 2 or 3 times during that span of time!!

so i realized that - when i'm uncomfortable in a situation, i leave it constantly to go have a cigarette, sort of to get away from it. and now, i am finding that i can just BE in the situation and handle the discomfort and i don't need to escape. this was an issue for us during our r. we would be in the middle of a heated discussion, and h would be stonewalling so much, that i would just get crazy and just walk out to smoke. he often asked me to please stay and i just refused. i did stop doing that completely after BD as one of my 180's, but this feels different -it's much deeper - that i am really feeling comfortable staying where i am

wow - did i just say that - i feel comfortable staying?

woohoo - Pema finally got through to me

so like i posted on my bootcamp thread - i think i have a job - and i am really pleased about that- it's been a long time since i could see the possibility of that and it is huge for me right now.

so each thing falls into place in it's own time - when we are ready for it, maybe....