New to separation. Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

I spent a couple hours with the kids yesterday. When I dropped them off at W’s apartment S 8 was crying hysterically because I was leaving. It just breaks my heart. A couple hours later W called and left me a vm saying we need to talk about S. She was talking about how tough it is on him. Duhhhh, what the F%^$ do you expect!!!!

[roughenough]

So, My W lets me see the kids every now and then when it's not scheduled however she thinks it's actually harder for my S to deal with if it's not scheduled. What do all of you think? I held off on sending this message to W until I got some feeback from my DB friends.

Hi W- I am sure there will be a place and time when you would prefer to deviate from our arranged visitation schedule however from what you’re saying you clearly conveyed a message that maintaining our “set schedule” is important, which I understand. Are we in agreement?

[roughenough]

The interesting thing is she already wanted to change the schedule a couple times for her best interest, now she doesnt want to change it, even though I know she will in the future. Here's my revised copy. Thank you for any input.

Rough,

W- from you response earlier tonight I get the impression that it’s “VERY IMORTANT” that we stick to our scheduled visitation schedule for our children’s best interest. I am assuming were in agreement?

[roughenough]

Ok, I know I keep revising this, but it’s important. I think I finally have it down?????

"I think were in agreement. I will not deviate from the visitation agreement and I would expect you to the same for our children’s best interest."

[roughenough]

I am glad I cooled off and didn’t send her a message. I rarely get that upset however this was the first time EVER that I wanted to see our kids and W said it wouldn’t be a good idea. That was a tough one to swallow but I need to just deal with it.

[adinva]

Hi Rough, good job giving yourself time to cool off, that's awesome! Your message draft got a LOT more clear each time you revised it. However, what were you trying to accomplish? Are you hoping to fix this single event into an agreement that neither of you should deviate from the written visitation agreement? Or were you just hoping to express your frustration and disappointment at being told no? If the latter, you're shooting yourself in the foot by demanding that she set this in stone. Why not give it more time to see if a pattern develops and let it go if it's a one-off? And be really clear to yourself about what you're trying to accomplish before you fire off an emotion-driven message.

[roughenough]

Adinva- Thank you for your input. Yesterday was so hard. My mother and I scattered my father’s ashes on the one year anniversary of his passing. And I am dealing with my sitch. As much as I love my father, it’s over. He died, it’s final. What I am dealing with now is ongoing.

In regards to your questions you asked me. I was no doubt frustrated because W has already deviated from the schedule once. A couple weeks ago she wanted me to have the kids longer then scheduled and I said no problem. The reason she said it wasn’t a good idea for me to see S yesterday is because she says it’s really hard on S to see me in short visits. I usually see him for 24 or 48 hour blocks however every now and then it was nice just to take him out to dinner when it wasn’t scheduled and W was ok with it however it looks like that will be changing. She’s now leaning towards keeping the schedule set in stone because she’s seeing our sons pain when him and I part ways after our short visits. I don’t know if seeing him during the unscheduled times is good for him or not. I do know that we always love seeing each other.

When W and I briefly discussed me seeing S yesterday I am pretty sure I made an inappropriate comment to W. She said “this is so hard on S” and my reply was, “yeah, what did you expect”. Her response was, “yes, I know”.

Looking back on that interaction I should’ve probably just validated her feelings. Too late now, at least I realized I did the wrong thing. This will never go exactly as planned. I will be ok as long as I reduce the number of F&*% ups on my part.

[Arsene]

Hi Carnac,

I think my biggest pitfall was completely summarized in one of the post’s on my thread. It’s the one where I responded to my W’s email. I really needed some help composing my email response to W. I am grateful that I received some help from accuray. He’s very sharp and he did a great job helping me articulate my thoughts in an eloquent way.

Hey Rough,

I actually used that reply )along with SA and Avinda's help) to help me put together my own reply to W's FB text yesterday. Somehow, it also made me realise a few things that were/are wrong with the way I used to express myself. For one, I've learned I might be displaying what is called "passive aggressive" behaviour to guilt and control people. That's definitely something to talk about with C tomorrow.

[Carnac]

Rough:
Man its interesting that your having this little drama about time with your son right now. Don't beat yourself up about making a snide comment, its gonna slip out now and then. I always worry myself to death that one snide comment will push things over the edge, and you have to be cautious about making them. But even with that being said your having many more positive interactions than negative ones, and we're all human and are going to make a mistake now and then. Live with hit and move forward...just make sure you have more positive ones in the future.

Its very hard, I think especially in my case when it involves my son and I see him hurting. My wife has been pretty callous towards "our" son and has put all of her effort into making sure "her" son is happy. I absolutely despise those labels b/c i've been raising my SS16 since he was 18 months old, but he's gotten to the age that he rejects me and wants to be with his "real" dad. I knew it was coming, and tried for years to prepare my wife for it, its natural for a young man his age and i'll wait patiently until he's 18-20 or so and then walks up and hugs me and says thanks.

Anyway, sorry for the hijack....the part I was going to mention is about the changing....just learn to roll with whatever she thinks is best for now, I know im having to do that as well b/c it seems like whatever works best for her right now is the schedule we're keeping. I dont think thats being a doormat, b/c I would demand time with him if it came to that, but in the same breath if she wants me to keep him more so she can go out, so be it i'll spend all the time I can with him right now b/c I know this is throwing him in all different directions and want him to be as stable as is possible through all of this.

[Arsene]

Hi Rough,

I finally caught up on your thread. Sorry to hear about the situation with regards to your S. I guess your W probably finds it difficult being the one who ends up seeing most of what your S goes through. Frankly, she probably feels guilty and I'm sure she's hurting inside. I don't think she's doing this to hurt you or punish you. She's just trying to avoid a situation which reminds/shows her the consequences of her actions.

If you do send a reply, try to keep this in mind and perhaps even show a bit of compassion. Neither way is going to make her change her mind on the issue anyways but at least this might help your W see a different side of you.

Stay strong and thanks again for being there for me.